Help! I Finally Refused to Be in the Same Room as My Brother. I Didn’t Expect What It Would Do to My Family.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.

Re Twin Trouble: When I was 27, I told my loving parents, who nevertheless favored my brother and allowed him to be overtly mean to me, that we just couldn’t seem to get along on holidays.

I told them I would see them, for sure, but on a different day, and that family fights weren’t fair to my husband. I know they were disappointed, but also relieved. This ended up being the solution to never-ending heartache for me. After that, I slowly began to excuse myself early when he arrived at the same time I did for a visit. Soon, ”Look at the time!” became my go-to when I spotted him coming from the window.

I’m 70 now, and my parents are gone. I was able to have a loving, peaceful relationship with them to the end. No more drama, no old OR new hurt feelings. Any time the conversation wandered to him, I would divert to my sister or to them. Turns out, I don’t miss being the butt of hurtful comments at all.

It breaks my heart to see how many times in Dear Prudie, I see someone say, “My demanding sibling wants more than I can give, and my parents support this.” The best advice you always give is to say, “I don’t want to talk about this again.” And then add, “I’m leaving now.” Believe me, it doesn’t take long to train them to leave the topic alone if they actually want to see you.

Even before I got to the last line of your response, I said to myself, “Sometimes you just have to train people.” I have to admit that while I believe in this idea, I didn’t actually have a real-life example of someone implementing and feeling good about the result. So thank you!

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Re Twin Trouble: Obviously, “NO” should be a complete answer. Since that is not working, also consider that these are your husband’s embryos too. How would he feel about having other kid(s) out there? Does your sister have a partner? How do they feel about raising their brother-in-law’s kid(s)? There’s a whole half of DNA your twin is absolutely not entitled to.

—I Understand Wanting a Baby

You’re right. This is the kind of thing that would need to be really carefully considered, even if both sisters thought the embryo donation was a great idea.

Re Twin Trouble: Your embryos, your future children. It isn’t like she is just borrowing a few of your eggs; these are fertilized by the same donor as your two children. If your husband was the donor, even more so. Why would your twin (and your family, for that matter) think, for even a second, that she should be entitled to carry and then raise your children as her own with no consideration to how you and your husband would feel? This decision rests with you and your husband alone, and no one else in the family gets a vote.

People never cease to amaze me when it comes to their sense of entitlement to things that don’t belong to them. From guest rooms or money to embryos!

First of all, I’ve been a devoted Prudie reader since 2004 or so, and you are by far my favorite giver of advice. Sometimes you step so far back for your perspective. I’m awed by your view of the horizon.

Is “Dress Disaster’s” grandmother even dead? To the letter writer and all who haven’t yet twigged to this: This is so asinine a problem. Please consider that your sister is alive. Maybe your parents and your grandparents, too? That’s important. Nothing else is. Get some perspective, letter writer.

Offer joy to your sister or get out of the wedding. One day, you’ll notice that you’ve held a lot of grudges. Your choice is either to grip harder—or to soften and let go.

This is such a good point! I definitely read it assuming the grandmother was dead, but the letter doesn’t say that at all.

I want to be a little more gentle and say I don’t quite see the problem as “asinine”—I understand that we all have things that upset us even if as know we should be grateful to have loved ones and be alive—but it definitely seems like a bad idea to obsess over an heirloom when the actual human(s) attached to it are still around.

Re Killjoy: I’m guessing that you’re not just randomly spouting your anti-New Year’s sentiments, and they’re most likely in response to perhaps being invited out to celebrate or plan an activity. Well, in this case, you kind of are being a killjoy.

Your friends or family are trying to plan something fun, and they’re including you; does the occasion really matter more than the activity or the company? It’s one thing to say, “Hey, I’d rather not be involved in an activity where people are drinking to excess.” It’s quite another to say, “We should abolish this holiday altogether.”

I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences with New Year’s Eve, and you therefore feel like no one should ever celebrate the holiday again. Maybe you work in an industry where you do see the worst of people when they’re drinking. But good news! There is more than one way to celebrate anything and everything! If you don’t want to drink on New Year’s, you don’t have to, nor do you have to be around others who are drinking. You don’t even have to stay up until midnight. You are perfectly within your rights to go to bed at a reasonable hour and wake up the next day in a brand new year. I give you permission. But don’t take that fun away from others.

To give you more grace than you’re giving, if you do really work in an industry where New Year’s Eve is one of the most challenging nights, perhaps you could express that sentiment: “Gosh, I wish I didn’t always have to work on New Year’s Eve. People at my job seem to forget all social norms and etiquette!” You’ll get a lot more empathy.

—Kill Them With Kindness

Perfect script. For someone who wants to have a pleasant conversation, that is. I suspect the letter-writer may actually kind of enjoy bringing other people down.

I am 39, looking for the love of my life after a hard couple of years. My mother recently died of an aggressive form of cancer, and I only recently got back on my feet after a bout of unemployment. Last year, I found a marvelous job and finally met, through a dating app, a special person from another country about a three-hour flight from me. We coincide so much that we both tend to believe the other is the One, yet we still have not managed to meet in person as sudden changes in both of our jobs made us fight every day and postpone the meeting for months…