I Found the Video My Boyfriend Was Trying to Hide on His Computer. Oh No.
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Dear How to Do It,
I walked into our shared office the other night and I saw my partner quickly change tabs in what seemed like an attempt to hide something, which I found very odd. So, and I’m a little ashamed to admit this, I told him I needed him to go take out the trash right then because it was leaking. I figured then he wouldn’t have the chance to clear his browser history.
Well, it turns out the other tab was cartoon porn of the furry variety. It was a bit weird and I didn’t watch much of it because I was afraid of getting caught. I’ve acted like I didn’t see anything for about a week but I feel like I’m carrying this huge secret around. Do I come clean? Also, I don’t want him to be embarrassed, I’m not judging him! We have cracked jokes about that kind of porn in the past, though, so I am just a little surprised he might actually be into it.
Before we dig into what to do about the porn viewing habits you’ve uncovered, it’s worth considering why you became suspicious of your husband and went snooping. If this points to a larger lack of trust in your relationship, it’ll be more difficult to address what you saw. So, if that’s the case, you’ll want to work on that area first.
You can’t really control whether your partner feels embarrassed or even judged when you tell him what you saw. You can, however, choose your approach carefully in the hopes of reducing his chances of reacting poorly. You’ll also have to come clean about the way you came across the fact that he was watching furry porn (at least once).
So, you might soften the blow by starting with, “I apologize for violating your privacy.” Before you broach the subject, consider whether you want to offer to engage in that kind of sexual interaction in some way if he’s interested—would you watch furry porn with him? Would you dress up in costume? Would you encourage him to dress up? If you’re open to participating, offering to do so goes a long way toward communicating general acceptance of the particular kink.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband came to me with an idea that he wanted to try during sex. But I feel completely out of my element. He’s curious about me pegging him. He’s not the type of guy to ever really express many wild desires or fantasies in bed so I’m glad he’s opening up to me. Our conversation didn’t go beyond me just reassuring him that it sounded fun and I’d be down to try it with him. But what next? The truth is I feel totally lost and he’s never done it before either so it’s not like he can guide me! What do I need to know? Also, how do I embody that kind of top energy I’d need for it. I’ve always been a bit more on the submissive side. Help!
Pegging doesn’t require dominance. You can peg your husband as an act of service. You can peg him while he demands you do it in the way that pleases him best. You can beg for the experience, even though he’s the one who suggested it first. There’s a lot of room to incorporate submission.
If you do want to explore dominance, there are absolutely tons of resources. Your local sex shop may have a small books section, Babeland’s website has a great selection of books for beginners, and 7DaysOfDomination’s web library of instructional classes for pros and amateurs can also give you a great education. There are as many ways to dominate as there are people who play in the dominant role. Your best bet is to look at several examples and then kind of piece together your own path. Porn scenes might give you some good examples to draw from as well. Remember that it’s about both of you enjoying yourselves. And if one role doesn’t fit, you can change it to suit you better.
As for the logistics of the pegging itself, you can gently remind your husband that you’re game to try it and can even suggest you both look for strap-ons together (you might look into the vibrating variety—if you want some extra sensation on your end). As with any backdoor play, it’s about going slow, prepping, and using plenty of lube. There are a few guides for and first-hand accounts of women pegging their partners that you might check out to give you a clearer path forward.
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Dear How to Do It,
I have a communication issue. My husband wants a threesome, that I organize. I have a low interest in this and virtually no interest in organizing one. For his birthday, EVERY YEAR, he asks me to organize a three-way blow job, that I “surprise” him with. I did this once before but again, I have no interest in this. He brings it up all the time. Not only do I feel pressured and therefore don’t want to do this, but this concept is HIS fantasy, not mine. I recognize that I haven’t been as clear as I should be and I’m at a loss for words or how to move forward. I want him to drop this. I need help figuring out how to start this convo and how to phrase it!
—Ask For Something Else
Dear Ask for Something Else,
Pick a calm moment—ideally, way in advance of his birthday—to bring up his annual request, and then try something like this: “I have essentially no interest in threesomes. I organized one once for you and didn’t enjoy it. I feel pressured by how often you bring this up, and am starting to resent the whole situation. I want you to drop this.”
Dear How to Do It,
I (24 F) have been with my girlfriend (28 F) since I was 15. I adore everything about her. She is my best friend. She makes me feel loved like nobody ever before, and I never doubt we will be together forever. We’re soulmates. However, our sex life has been spotty since the beginning. My first boyfriend assaulted me when I was 12, and for years, I didn’t feel much sexual desire, but still regularly had sex with my partner and got into it once started (or we stopped). Six years later, something finally clicked. I can orgasm now! I get horny! Pretty much at the same time, my girlfriend lost all sexual drive, possibly due to hormones (she has PCOS). I still don’t have that high a sex drive, but once every six months really isn’t doing it for me. And I cannot shake the idea it’s my weight gain, though she says it isn’t.
I really don’t care for it or an open relationship. Unless Jason Momoa comes knocking, I have zero interest in sex with others. So what do we do? Do I use our bunny collection to give me the only thing I don’t get from my perfect partner? Do I start a diet and see if subconsciously that’s the issue? We’re looking into medicines that can help her with her hormones but realistically, that could make her sex drive dip even lower.
Yes, develop a robust masturbation toolbox. Try any and all toys that speak to you. Explore different types of erotic media and literature—and have fun experimenting with this side of your solo sex life. Sure, go ahead and lose weight if you want, but try prioritizing exercise over strict diet restrictions. And one final word of advice: Try not to get too invested in any particular outcome in terms of libido from the different PCOS treatments your girlfriend may try, as hormones are unpredictable and PCOS is still poorly understood.
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