I Thought It Was OK to Let My Daughter and Her Friend Participate in a Classic Summer Activity. Then the Frantic Texts Began.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 11-year-old daughter invited a new friend, same age, to walk around our (very safe) downtown with her on a summer afternoon and get ice cream or something similar.

The other kid’s mom apparently assumed this would be with an adult, but never brought it up. A parent supervising downtown visits hasn’t been the norm for my daughter and her friends for about a year. The kid’s grandma handed them over and confirmed they could walk around solo and be picked up at a designated time and place.

Next thing I know, the mom is texting frantically that her kid should not be without an adult, and can we go find the girls immediately? Should I have been more explicit with the kid’s mom? It never even occurred to me to spell out the situation, though I would have made sure they were accompanied if the parent had asked.

Dear Miffed in Massachusetts,

I get it! I think back to when I was a preteen and would intentionally hang out at my friends’ houses whose parents would let us walk around without supervision. This was because my own parents were a bit more protective and wouldn’t let me. It’s always been true that some parents have their kids on a tighter leash than others, and that’s OK. We won’t all parent the same.

You also confirmed with the friend’s grandma that walking around solo would be fine. You did your due diligence! I don’t think you did anything wrong in this situation. Next time, out of an abundance of caution, I’d just figure out who is in the friend’s primary parental unit (the grandma might be involved, but not a decision-maker) and then ask one of those people for permission.

The world we live in can be a scary place. Even the safest communities have been the target of mass shootings and other kinds of violence. And we all handle that trauma differently. Some of us say, “Well, we can’t hide our kids from everything,” and some of us say, “I know I can’t, but I will definitely try.” I don’t think there’s a perfect answer for any of it—at least, not on the individual level. But it is helpful for us to remind ourselves how hard it all can be for all of us.

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