My Friend’s Husband Is Incredibly Mean to Her. That’s Not the Worst of It.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Last week I went to visit an old friend who lives two hours away and was shocked by her family dynamic. Her husband was incredibly mean to her. But that wasn’t the worst part.
Both she and her husband are incredibly mean to the kids. Every comment dripped with disdain. The kids were chastised harshly and threateningly over totally normal kid behavior. It was extreme enough that my kindergartener noticed and said, “You should stop being harsh with them!” (They didn’t hear him.)
Their behavior was authoritarian, cruel, and belittling. They have amazing, sweet children, and not a kind or loving word was given to them by their parents the entire visit. I didn’t know what to do. I managed to play with and have nice conversations with each kid and showered them with praise. Now I can’t stop thinking about how their parents treated them—which , to me, reaches the level of verbal abuse—and what I should do. I could reach out to my friend and tell her my thoughts in hopes that she’ll hear me? We’re not close, and I don’t value the friendship any longer, so I don’t have anything to lose. I want to help those kids, if I possibly can. What else can I do?
Telling someone what we really think: It’s the moment everyone dreams of! It looks so satisfying when they do it on television! And really, starting a confrontation with someone who seems to have an unhappy, simmering domestic situation and a strong temper … giving that person an a singular outlet and target for their rage and anger … what could go wrong?
I’m mostly kidding. If you think you can handle this—and are prepared for the repercussions, i.e. no longer being friends with this particular friend—maybe you can. I do wonder if there’s a slightly more diplomatic way to bring it up than making it a referendum on her specific behavior, like telling her that you think she has great kids and you hope she feels good about that, and that you sensed a little bit of a tense atmosphere with her husband and were wondering if everything was alright. It seems possible that cracking the ice that way might lead her to her own realizations and conclusions about how she’s been acting. Or, maybe she’ll say that you don’t understand her life and that it’s none of your business! Yeah, that’s probably what she’ll say.
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