I Accidentally Ruined Sex for My Wife. Now It’s Ruined for Me.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have been together for six years. I love her dearly and go out of my way to make sure she knows how much I love her every day. The sex in our marriage has been consistent but awful. When I first met my wife, she was very open sexually and very confident. In one of our early lovemaking sessions, she asked me why I never went down on her. The honest truth was I had never gone down on any woman before and didn’t have an experience with giving oral sex. When I did go down on her the first time, her smell was very foreign and off-putting to me. I told her she didn’t smell so fresh down there and gave that as the reason why I never went down on her. This was obviously a huge mistake. Years later, when I finally got her to talk about it, she told me I destroyed her confidence and that’s why she’s never giddy about sex now. She has never been the same sexually since.

Over the years I have come to absolutely love her feminine smell, and I constantly ask to go down on her, but she never wants me to and always tells me that she feels dirty. She’s even caught me masturbating with a pair of her panties held to my nose and now has started changing her panties constantly so as to not leave an odor on them for me to find. The only times I’m ever allowed to go down on her now are right when she’s fresh out of the shower. She has also lost, for the most part, all of her sex drive. When we met, she would masturbate on her own, and now she never does. I think I just ruined sex for her in general, and when I look back, I cringe and feel like such an asshole. Is there any way to earn her trust back and for her to get her sexual confidence back? I tell her constantly how beautiful she is and how much I genuinely love her. I’d do anything for her, including having boring, passionless sex for the rest of my life to stay married to her.

—Willing to Do Whatever It Takes

Dear Whatever It Takes,

Have you told her that you feel like an absolute jerk for what you said to her and regret it every day? Have you told her that you’re worried you ruined sex for her and regret your words deeply? Have you apologized for sniffing her panties—after demeaning her vulva’s taste—and the shame and confusion you likely caused in her?

Ideally, the two of you should find a couples counselor to work through this. I think, at this point, you need to have an expert in the room to help you dissect this hurt and communicate effectively. If she’s willing to go to counseling with you, and willing to work on the sex issue you’ve caused her, you’ve got a chance of saving the situation.

In the meantime, you might want to work on your phrasing and thinking. “I’d do anything for her, including having boring, passionless sex for the rest of my life to stay married to her” is fairly sulky. Maybe “I’d do anything for her, including backing off sexually until whatever time my wife feels comfortable being sexual with me to stay married to her.” Or “I’d do anything for her, including the work of being vulnerable and apologetic and accepting that she may never be over what I said to her to stay married to her.” “Beautiful” isn’t a great compliment, either. It can feel like anything from “I like looking at you,” which is pretty meh as far as praise goes, to “Your looks are the best thing about you,” which sucks. And she might have a strong reaction to anything sexual coming from you. I suggest you focus on her intellect, sense of humor, and other personality qualities for your compliments moving forward—something that has to do with her, not just genetics. Good luck.

From: Years Ago I Made a Huge Mistake, and It’s Ruined My Sex Life. (March 2, 2021).

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How to Do It,

For over a decade, I have lied to my wife about something stupid. Early on, she wanted to know my sexual history, including when I first had sex. I told her I was 17 the first time, but that isn’t remotely true. The truth is that I was 26. Until that point, I was too self-conscious and insecure to have a sex life, but I didn’t want her to know the truth. When is a good time to tell the truth … or does it matter enough to come clean all these years later?

If you’re actively continuing this charade, which means lying to your wife regularly, coming clean matters somewhat. Why keep the negativity of deception as a recurring feature of your communication? However, if you’re worried about a lie that you told previously that hasn’t since come up much, I would say you’re probably better off not correcting it. If this isn’t something that’s affecting your relationship on a continuing basis, bringing it back up may invite more drama than it’s worth, and with that may come its own negativity. You may be ultimately burdening your wife with an argument over something inconsequential, anyway. The import of virginity (which is culturally instilled) tends to evaporate once it ceases—what matters far more than when you started having sex is your current sex life.

However, if this is something that you just feel like you must get off your chest, just approach her with humility. Shame is why you lied in the first place, and that feeling often makes people act out of character and do things they normally wouldn’t and otherwise know are not right. However, if your lying about this particular fact is indicative of an overall sense of comfort that you have in misleading your partner, rethink, revise, and knock it off.

From: I Can Only Have Sex With My Fiancé Under One Troubling Condition. (Nov. 24, 2021).

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have a sexual routine that we follow virtually every encounter. It gets us both off, but sometimes I’m left wanting more. My wife is extremely passive in bed, never initiates, and doesn’t move hardly at all unless she’s on top. This actually bothers me now more than it did when we were 25. I’m no libertine, but I do have some things I’d like us to try. We’re healthy, young-ish (knocking on 40’s door), and our kids are old enough that they’re both past the “active care” stage. We’re approaching the next stage in our lives/marriage, and I would like to embark together on a sort of Sexual Reacquaintance Campaign, where we try some new stuff, talk about our fantasies … just connect more, emotionally and verbally, while we’re having sex.

There are two problems with my plan. Firstly, she doesn’t like talking about sex at all—before, in the abstract, or during. In the past when we’ve tried “dirty talk,” I could feel how uncomfortable she was with it. I’m fine with starting out small, baby steps, if she’s willing, but I have a very concrete No.1 fantasy. I’m extremely turned on by the idea of the double-BJ, with two women. It would be the apotheosis of my sexual life as a human being. That being said, I’m afraid of how my wife would react to me even telling her about it, never mind trying to do it.

We’ll smoke pot occasionally. My plan was the next time we do (one-on-one at home) to broach the topic of the sexual reacquaintance and get an uninhibited reaction from her about just the idea, and that it’s something that I’m taking pretty seriously. If she’s receptive to the concept of getting more adventurous, do you have any tips for how to build up to my ultimate fantasy of the double BJ? I’m a little afraid to even voice it, to be honest. I worry that it’ll be just a bridge way too far for her, and I should keep it to myself.

You are well aware that you have to tread lightly, so do that. I don’t know where your wife is in terms of her attitude toward sex, and what’s informing it, but if she is a reasonable person she will understand that it would be unfair for her squeamishness to be the final word on your shared sex life. (If her sexual outlook is a result of trauma, though, the forces that you’re dealing with may well be stronger than reason.) There’s a big difference between “dirty talk” and a logistical discussion about the state of your union and what about it is/isn’t working for you. Hew closely to the practical, not the erotic (though I realize in this case you’d be discussing the practice of your eroticism, you don’t have to do that with heavy breathing and kisses between every few words). Lead with your own reason: You aren’t trying to pressure her, and she shouldn’t feel obligated to take you up on anything that you’re introducing…buuuut, life is short, you only live once, and you want to try some stuff before you shuffle off this mortal coil. Emphasize that you’re talking to her well in advance of any of your fantasies being close to reality—this is not a conversation brought on by temptations of cheating (it isn’t right?) or anything external. It’s about what’s going on inside of you.

I would carefully couch it so as not to imply that your sex life is leaving you dissatisfied—introduce these ideas as a means of expansion, not remedy. Be gentle, don’t go on for longer than what’s comfortable, absolutely do not do anything coercive, and have patience for what may need to be an ongoing conversation. Your wife may need to warm up to the idea of a threeway, if she accepts it at all. If after a few healthy conversations, you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere despite your considerable drive, you might want to consider a couples counselor or sex therapist with a background in consensual nonmonogamy. There are few forgone conclusions here, but you can make your continuing relationship one of them with the right care, humility, and honesty. Good luck!

From: I Had a Threesome With My Buddy and His Girlfriend. The Consequences Were … Unexpected. (Nov. 7, 2021).

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