I Told My Girlfriend I’d Rather Abstain Than Have Mediocre Sex. Uh, Big Mistake.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
Me (I’m a 48-year-old man) and my partner (a 38-year-old woman) have been in a relationship for two years. She is poly and has another partner. I’m free to have another, but I am not looking for anybody else. We have a fantastic relationship that I highly value. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. But since November and the election, well, the sex has suffered.
I understand this. I brought it up at the time. We shared an intense sexual connection, and I knew the distractions would impact that. I said that if we couldn’t be present because of the stress of current events, I would rather miss amazing sex than have mediocre sex with her.
I truly believe this. But it’s been weird. We have had sex a few times in the last nine months, but it’s awkward and weird, and I’m probably too cautious about making sure everything is OK. I’m basically too in my head.
In previous relationships, when sex dried up, I took it in stride. I think that led to conflict in that the previous partners were insulted that I was not more upset about it. I don’t see sex as a need. It’s fine, I can take care of myself. I don’t want to turn into a whiny baby. We still have intimacy, we cuddle and hold each other and are affectionate, and again, this is the best relationship I’ve ever had. I should have no complaints. She’s busy and has a full-time job and a whole other relationship to maintain. Of course there’s no time and limited energy. And if I really was missing sex, I’m free to seek out another partner. But I don’t want to. What I miss is this physical connection with the woman I love.
I hate that I’m getting frustrated and that it’s causing me to have not-so-great thoughts. It is exhausting dissecting my thoughts to determine what’s a valid complaint and what’s me overthinking or what’s my anxiety versus just being horny and missing the hot as hell sex I used to have with my hot-as-hell girlfriend. I guess I’m asking how to untie the Gordian knot I’ve worked myself into. I deeply love this woman, and my brain is sabotaging this over the lack of a sexual connection.
—Gordian Knots Are Not As Sexy As Other Knots
You’re almost arguing with yourself when you say that you take periods of no sex in stride (and worry that your acceptance has damaged previous relationships) and then that you miss the “physical connection with the woman [you] love” while, clearly, all the cuddling and affection aren’t giving you that feeling. And again, when you say you’re getting frustrated but that you “don’t see sex as a need.”
Sometimes people use these advice letter submission forms as something akin to a journal, or a way to feel some sense of talking to someone to process what they’re thinking and feeling. That’s OK, and I hope that it’s helpful. Often, those submissions wrap up at the end with the writer answering their own question. I think that, between everything you’re directly stressed about with your girlfriend, what you’re worrying might be repetitions of dynamics that affected previous relationships, and the general stress of the world—and what you’re describing as “not-so-great thoughts”—you would benefit from a lot of talking in a variety of contexts.
At a certain point, you’ll need to share your anxieties with your girlfriend. It could bring you insight into how she’s feeling and what she needs and wants from you right now. A big ‘ol talk (or several) with some trusted friends might help you get more of a firm grasp on what you’re going through right now. If you’re at all able to access professional support, this kind of situation is what therapists do. If writing this helped you in any way, start journaling, which can absolutely be typing into a computer, and can be framed in your imagination as a very long letter to any person. Where to start will depend on what avenue feels most comfortable and most possible for you.
I am wondering whether your prior statement that you’d prefer to miss amazing sex than have mediocre sex has put a kind of pressure on you, and possibly on your partner. It’s really difficult to let go and be in the moment—a key aspect of fantastic and super connected sex—when you’re worried about making it perfect. If that feels accurate, one conversation you have with your girlfriend might start with expressing how your stance has changed on that subject. As for her finding the time and energy to talk with you, that’s part of being in a significant relationship. Out of respect for her capacity, you can absolutely take care to have these talks in manageable chunks, spaced out over time. If she can’t or won’t find the resources to connect emotionally in this way, though, you’ll have some hard choices to make. Based solely on your letter, it’s hard to say whether your girlfriend is treating you like a person she’s in a whole relationship with, or more as a way to fill the time. Whether she takes your need to discuss this problem seriously or not will be a useful indicator. But chances are she’ll be relieved to have insight into something she’s almost certainly already sensed to some degree.
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