Help! There’s a Dark Reason Why I Moved to My New Town. No One Knows.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
I moved to a new state for retirement, and I’m trying to figure out when and how to disclose my messy personal history to new friends and dates. Right now, when new people make small talk, I say I moved here to be closer to my daughter’s family, since I’m single. This is true, but it’s not the full truth. I think this is fine for acquaintances and new friends and the first phase of dating. But as I settle in, there are now friends I’ve known for longer, and I’m wondering if I should share more with them.
If asked, I say I only have a daughter. But I actually disowned my son, “John,” when it was discovered that he was committing sex crimes against minors. My husband and I divorced over this: John privately admitted guilt, but my husband insisted he deserved a second chance and paid for a high-priced lawyer from our savings. John got off and is free to put other kids at risk. I don’t have words to describe the horror of this situation. My daughter invited me to stay with her for a few months, which then turned into me getting my own place because I loved it.
I’m grateful that I have her and her family. I have a part-time job, friends, hobbies, and a church. I switched to my maiden name after the divorce, so unless someone’s really nosy, they’re not going to immediately find things about my past. How and when do I tell people about this stuff? I haven’t dated anyone seriously enough for it, but at some point, should I say something to close friends?
Dear When to Tell,
This is going to come off like a trite answer that’s avoiding grappling with the question, but tell them when you want to tell them. I mean it.
This might happen in a conversation in which a friend shares something really vulnerable, and you want her to know that you have your own complicated story. Or it might happen when you’re feeling really upset and need support. Or when John’s situation intersects with something in the news, and you feel like talking about what shapes your perspective on the story.
You don’t have to do it a moment before you get the urge. Any real friend, when they do learn the truth, will completely understand why you weren’t issuing a press release about this deeply difficult reality before you felt comfortable sharing.
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My husband and I had been struggling with trying to conceive for the last five years, or at least, I thought we were. It turns out that he had a vasectomy before we met and never said anything to me. I found out when we were at his brother’s.
His brother talked about how he and my sister-in-law didn’t want any more kids after the birth of their third one, and asked my husband if he recalled the name of the doctor who performed his vasectomy. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. I stormed out and drove home without him. After my BIL dropped him off at home, my husband tried to explain himself by claiming he didn’t think he wanted kids when he had it done. Supposedly, there was “never a good time” to tell me. When I told him I was leaving him, he offered to get it reversed if I agreed to stay. Despite my better judgment, I told him I needed some time to think.
I’m going to be 37 in less than a month. On the one hand, my chances of finding a new partner in time to have a child are low. On the other hand, my husband deceived me in a major way. Should I take him up on his offer or listen to my instincts and get out?
—It Was Him, Not Me
Dear It Was Him,
I’m so sorry. Absolutely get out. There’s no guarantee that the vasectomy reversal will be successful, and it’s even less likely that you emotionally recover from this. When you look up from reading this response, the next thing on your screen should be a search for a local divorce attorney. And right after that should be the login screen of a dating app. You do have time to find a partner and have a child, but you shouldn’t waste any.
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My parents are retired and recently sold their home to move into a condo. Today I opened my mail to find a bill to have a door frame molding completely redone for $1,200. I contacted the company to explain there had been a mistake; they had never done any work for me. The person I spoke with gave my mother’s name and asked if I was her son. When I replied that I was, they said there had been no mistake because my mother had listed me as the responsible party when she had the work done prior to selling the house.
When I called my mother to ask what would possess her to have a door frame charged to me, she asked if I remembered the time I had dented it with my hockey stick. After a moment, I recalled that I had accidentally hit the frame with a hockey stick when I was leaving for practice and put a dent in it (my mother screamed me stupid at the time and grounded me for a month). But this happened when I was 10 years old—I’m 33 and married with two kids now! I told her there was no way I was paying for something that happened when I was in elementary school. She responded that she would see me in court.
Trying to get my dad to talk sense into her will go nowhere, as he is scared shitless of my mom. My wife says it will be a cold day in Hell before we plunk down $1,200 for something that happened when I was a kid. I agree, but do you see any way we can avoid a legal fight over this?
—No Statute of Limitations
Dear No Statute of Limitations,
This is not legal advice as much as it is common sense: The small claims court judge is going to get a good laugh out of your mother’s claim. I’m not at all concerned about a big courtroom battle. I’m more worried about what is going on with your mom! If this is typical behavior from her (and it sounds like it might be based on her wild overreaction to the original hockey stick dent), then I’m guessing you might be at the point where you want to seriously limit your contact with her. I would support that.
If her threatening to sue you is out of character, push past your initial reaction to investigate whether your parents are really struggling financially, or if she is dealing with age-related cognitive issues and the personality changes that can follow. A threat this baseless could easily be understood as an indication that things aren’t OK with her and that more than your $1,200, she really needs your help.
My sister “Simone” lives abroad and has for almost five years. She has been in a relationship with “Jay” for almost three years, but we only met him last fall. Jay is a public figure, and for career reasons, he must be perceived as being single. He is under a tremendous amount of scrutiny, and from what I understand, Simone has signed several NDAs. Jay’s employers only recently allowed her to disclose his identity to us…