My Husband Only Wants to Have Sex One Way. It’s, Uh, Not for Me.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband has a fetish for tits. Within the last six months it’s reached the point where all he wants to do in bed is fuck my boobs, come, and then go to sleep. To me, this is like going to a restaurant and filling up on bread. All I want is for him to fuck me. I have been making do with sex toys, but it’s not the same as the real thing. Attempts to get him to move downstairs are met with promises that are never kept. What can I do to fix him?
—Did He Forget How?
Dear Did He Forget How?,
You do not have to consent to what your husband wants. It’s nice that you are allowing him to enjoy your body in a way that doesn’t do much for you, but it’s not an obligation. He knows this all too well—just look at how he’s acting!
You have a few options for pursuing the kind of sex that you crave. One would be in the moment—as you begin to go at it, tell him that you want to have PIV before he has his way with your breasts. That way he doesn’t even have the opportunity to make a promise he won’t keep. You could also have a conversation (or series of conversations with him) outside of a sexual context. Tell him that you’ve been left unsatisfied by this turn in your sex and ask what can be done about getting it back. Maybe the answer is, much like the in-the-moment suggestion, that he has vaginal sex with you until you orgasm and then he gets to do his thing with your breasts. Maybe he’s no longer interested in PIV sex, which would be a bigger conversation (could you live on “bread,” as you put it, for the rest of your life?). But if that’s the case, it would be important for him to tell you and for you to hear it. Did he forget how? Probably not, but you’re better off asking him that than just leaving it as a hypothetical in your sign-off.
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Dear How to Do It,
Within the last month, my wife’s pussy has taken on a terrible smell. It’s gotten so bad I have ceased all sexual activity with her, which has pissed her off to no end. I have tried explaining my reason and suggested that she see a gyno, but she refuses, as she hates gynecological exams. She’s tried douching, but it hasn’t helped. What can I do to convince her that she needs some professional intervention?
You can stand your ground—perhaps the longer you hold out, the more seriously she’ll take you. You do have to be careful here—saying that a woman’s vagina smells bad is a misogynist cliche and people are sensitive about their parts, of course. Your sensitivity may be crucial in getting your message across. Saying something like, “I’ve noticed a change in your smell,” could be less triggering than, “You smell terrible.” There is certainly cause for concern. Smells can range, but a new or particularly foul odor may indicate conditions like bacterial vaginosis, trichomoniasis, or even some cancers.
So she probably should see a doctor. What to do if she hates them? You can’t force her, but you can underline how important it is for her to take care of her health. Maybe talk to her about why she hates gynecological exams and try to troubleshoot. Maybe she hasn’t seen the right doctor for her? If a gynecologist is a hard, unmoving no, there are at-home tests for BV, yeast, and STIs. You swab yourself and mail to a lab for results. Here’s Envy’s kit and here’s the V-Box. They are pricier than your typical insurance co-pay, but at least they’re an alternative. (If meds need to be prescribed, your wife would still have to consult with a doctor.) She should not be douching, which has few to no benefits and actually can cause harm. In fact, among the many conditions associated with douching is bacterial vaginosis, as mentioned above, which can result in an odor. Talk about self-defeating.
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Dear How to Do It,
I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, but for the most part, it’s good. We have two children under the age of 10 and both work full time, him from home.
The issue that we have is a lack of intercourse. In the beginning of our relationship, I saw the red flags (sex only when I initiated, maybe three times a month, his level of “disgust” with performing oral sex on a woman), but continued because he was a wonderful man who treated me like a queen.
Now, we have sex, if I’m lucky, on a quarterly basis. It’s sometimes gone a whole year with nothing. I have calmly asked him if there is anything going on, to which he replies that he “suffers from performance anxiety.” Twenty years of being together, and this is what he says the problem is.
He’s had his testosterone levels checked and they were above average. I’ve also asked him if he’s sure he wants to be with me because he acts like a man that has no interest in having an intimate relationship. His past relationships had ended badly with him being cheated on and now I understand why.
Before you ask, yes, we have gone to counseling and he decided to stop after a few sessions. I honestly had a difficult time with that, too, as I felt his actions would not be genuine—they’d feel forced because he was told how to satisfy his wife by a professional.
Also, yes we have children, but they are quite independent and no longer need as much direction (they’re usually outside playing with their friends and come home to eat). I also worked from home for the last two years to work on our marriage, to no avail. He pretty much ignored me the whole time when we were both home, alone.
I am frustrated, broken-hearted and no longer know what to do, as I once had a libido that was through the roof but now feel that my husband doesn’t want me and possibly never did.
Dear Losing My Mind,
This is really tough and not uncommon. Even relationships that started with intense sexual engagement and activity may see a similar intimate estrangement by the time they hit the 20-year mark (or even earlier—in some cases, way earlier).
What do you want to do about this? You didn’t actually ask a question. I hope that getting this all out on the proverbial page was at least cathartic. Two decades of this suggests a certain level of acceptance for the trade-off you are living: very little sex for a relationship that is, for the most part, good. (That’s your word—“good” isn’t quite the word I would use for a situation in which your husband has ignored you for the better part of two years, but I understand that many factors go into the assessment of the overall health of a relationship.) You and your husband at least seem to be on the same page that, no matter your issues, this relationship is worth keeping. You should think long and hard about that and make sure you aren’t just on autopilot or sacrificing yourself and your own needs for the sake of your family. At minimum, it seems highly, highly doubtful that your husband will change at this point and magically start investing in you sexually. This is your life. What are you going to do about it?
I wonder if your husband is on the asexuality spectrum, or if there’s another aspect of his sexuality he hasn’t disclosed. Doing so might provide you with some clarity and even relief, but it would probably just amount to cold comfort anyway. Say he doesn’t want you and never did. Then what? You might explore these issues in further counseling. If I were you, I would go not under the guise of reigniting a sexual spark (that it sounds like wasn’t there to begin with), or of having your husband “satisfy you,” but to further the understanding of what’s going on, explore why you remain in this relationship, determine whether or not you want to do so, and discuss what, if any, other options you have. For the sake of taking pressure off going into it and to get yourself in the mindset of not repeating what happened last time, I would see a relationship coach or counselor as opposed to someone who is positioned as a sex therapist.
One compromise that you could consider is an open relationship. That way there would be even less pressure on your husband for sex and you could get the satisfaction that you crave elsewhere. This is a big step that tends to require a lot of strategizing and communicating, and is not always easy even when communication is clear, direct, and compassionate. But it could really ameliorate your frustration, and it seems like any relief would be welcome at this point.
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Recently, I confessed to my wife that one of my biggest fantasies was sharing her with another man. She briefly entertained this, and we made tentative plans to find a third. Only, the response she got online was so unsolicited and overwhelming that she got put off and gave up the idea entirely. I’m so bummed—I was so close! I still fantasize about it all the time. Is there any way to get her to reconsider?