My Boyfriend Is Hurt By What It Takes for Me to Orgasm. I Can’t Help It!
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 23-year-old woman and there’s one kind of orgasm I’ve never had.
I have never experienced an orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex. The only way I have ever been able to come is from sex toys, manual masturbation, or getting eaten out. My boyfriend is rather hurt that I can’t come with regular fucking. Is there anything I can do to achieve orgasm when we do it?
—Coming Every Way Except One
Dear Coming Every Way,
In theory, you and your partner could do a significant amount of exploring to see what feels good for you and what he might be able to do during penetration to give you an orgasm. This does require patience, though, and the kind of guy who gets hurt feelings when a woman doesn’t have an orgasm from penetration might not have that patience. If you do go through what I’m about to suggest, to no avail or with a significant amount of drama on his part, and end up with a different partner later on, it’s worth trying all the experimenting again.
What do the details of your sex toy use and manual masturbation look like? Is everything focused on the glans of your clitoris (the little nub and hood), or are there other areas of your anatomy in play? If any part of the inside of your vagina is involved in how you get off, that’s an area you should aim to include with various angles during penetration.
There’s this common misconception, descending from the ideas of the neurologist Sigmund Freud, that women are supposed to “mature” into vaginal orgasms. Famed sexologists made quick work of debunking Freud’s theory, but the idea persists today—alongside another, related notion that virile manhood is predicated on being able to make a partner come using only their penis. Men who fall for this trap get all tangled up in their egos; it seems to cause them a lot of emotional suffering, and the belief also interferes with flexible and fulfilling sex.
The reality is that the structure of the clitoris turns out to be way more than the nub we can see and extends through the labia and into the vaginal canal. What we, prior to the mapping of the structure of the clitoris, were thinking of as “vaginal orgasms” may be clitoral orgasms from the other direction. Regardless, all of these parts are connected—literally, and in the sense that arousal generated from stimulation of one area is likely to increase arousal in and sensitivity of the rest. And stimulation of multiple areas at once is sometimes what allows for an orgasm, or, at least, can change the sensation of or even enhance an orgasm.
Another aspect to consider is ways in which your clitoris (or other areas of your vulva that feel good when stimulated) might be rubbed or pressed on during penetration. This might look like the man using his pubic bone during missionary, or like the woman grinding in a front-and-back or circular motion in cowgirl. It’s also really common for people to use their hands to stimulate their own clitorises or that of their partners during penetration. Though I suspect this won’t be a viable option because your boyfriend has hurt feelings over you not being able to “come with regular fucking.”
One last thing to remember: Your body will change over time. And there’s this strange alchemy that happens between pairings. Where one kind of sensation may feel incredibly good with one partner, whether due to anatomy or energy, another might try the same tactic and fall flat. You’ll keep re-learning your body as it continues to develop. But know that, if you forever need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, that’s perfectly within the range of normal, too.
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