My Wife No Longer Turns Me On. What Does Excite Me Is Unthinkable.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 47-year-old man and have been married to my wife for 22 years. The problem I am having is that I cannot get it up for my wife to save my life.
I CAN get it up whenever her sister is around (I’ve been discreet about hiding it). To tell the truth, my wife has really let herself go. Her sister has kept herself in great shape all these years, and seeing her is like looking at my wife back when she was hot. I love my wife, but I’m just not attracted to her anymore. Is there any hope of rekindling things?
Definitely keep hiding that boner pointed at your sister-in-law (or you might end up in a situation like that of our letter writer, “Pic Pest”). I think it’s fine, or at least unavoidable to find someone who isn’t your spouse attractive, but things get extremely complicated when you act on that—and further twisted when that object of desire happens to be related to your spouse. That’s not a road I recommend going down. The less time you spend comparing your wife to her sister, the better off you are. Don’t go there. Be mindful and try to keep your thoughts focused on … well, anything that isn’t your wife’s sister, for your own peace of mind and so that temptation doesn’t lead to action.
Is there any hope of rekindling things with your wife? Yes, but you’ll have to put some work into it. Firstly, you should give your wife a break. How much do you look like the man she married? And what was going on when she “let herself go”? Was she raising kids? Doing things that benefited you, like housework? More pressing elements of life might have gotten in the way. Your wife’s body may reflect the effort she has put into your relationship and providing you with a comfortable life. Instead of looking at her with disdain, you should try appreciation.
At the same time, you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to. You might understand the above in the abstract, but our brains and dicks aren’t always aligned. You cannot force your wife to work on her physique, but you could attempt to influence her by making changes in the food that you both eat and encouraging her to exercise with you. It could be a bonding experience that brings you closer together, which would be a good antidote to the current drifting apart that you’re experiencing. Don’t present this as an initiative to get her to a more fuckable condition—say that you want to try a healthier lifestyle for both of you, as you’re both getting older.
On that note, a conversation about your sex life is in order. I don’t recommend using the language in your letter. I wouldn’t even talk about your lack of attraction to her. Speak more generally about your sexual connection. If there’s been a fissure, she likely has noticed it as well. What does she think? What does she want to see in terms of your sex life? Attraction is often contingent on more than just aesthetics, so you should think about whether there is anything she could do to make things more appealing and exciting for you (beyond losing weight). If you two get nowhere from here, consider counseling.
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