I’m a Teacher. Almost All Parents Do the Same Infuriating Thing at Parent-Teacher Conferences.

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I teach second grade, and I dread parent-teacher conferences. When I explain to parents that their child is having difficulty and/or acting out in class, they always have the same response.

Their first (and usually only) response is to place the blame squarely on me!

I cannot tell you how many times I have dealt with kids who have no compunction about cursing at me and being disrespectful, and then when I meet the parents, it is easy to see where the child learned it from. So attempting to address it goes nowhere. Likewise, if I ask parents to put in some extra effort to help their child in areas where they are struggling, the reaction is that I’m a bad teacher. What am I supposed to do when parents won’t help me to help their child?

—Those Who Live in Glass Houses

As the parent of a first grader, let me just say that I have so, so much respect for and awe in teachers. Seriously, I often feel like I can barely handle my one child, let alone educate an entire classroom. So I don’t want to pretend for a moment that I would be remotely capable of being in your shoes, and I can only imagine the kinds of recalcitrant parents you have to deal with.

I also have to assume that you have a lot of children in your class and probably not too much other adult help, and that your time is very limited. That said, what I have learned over the years is that most people really don’t like surprises, especially when they come with bad news. You say that you’re dreading parent-teacher conferences because you know you’ll have to tell parents that their child is having difficulty and/or acting out in class, but I’m wondering why you have to wait until parent-teacher conferences to deliver this news? Is it possible to bring the parents into the conversation earlier so this news doesn’t come as such a shock, and you can work with the parents to come up with a plan to help their kids?

I’m also worried that you may have unrealistic expectations for parents being able to help their children academically. I am not an educator, and if my child’s teacher told me that they were struggling and I needed to just “put in some extra effort” to help them, I think I would also be a little bit defensive. Most parents, I think, are not equipped to figure out how to help our kids academically. We need guidance from teachers to help figure this out. Are there any resources at your school or in your city that you can direct them to, like after-school tutoring programs or in-school help?

Finally, I also just want to suggest that it’s possible that some of the kids who are really struggling in your class, whether with behavior or academics, might have undiagnosed learning issues or neurodiversity. It’s possible that they need more help than either you or their parents can provide alone, and perhaps the next step is to involve a special education teacher at your school who can direct them to assessments and services that can help.

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Every year, our kids’ school offers two parent-teacher conference opportunities; one at the start of the year and one at the end. I feel it is important that my husband and I attend these meetings together so we can both participate and hear the feedback. Inevitably, I end up having to uphold the parent part of the conversation—my husband never has questions or comments; he barely says hello, and at the last conference, he spent half the time picking at the zipper of his fleece. He comes across as rude and uncaring. It is embarrassing, and I wonder whether it makes sense for him to come at all.