Help! My Ex Was Brutal to Me in the Divorce. Now He Wants Me to Do What?!

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

After more than 30 years together, my now-ex told me he had a longstanding interest in another woman. He claimed he’d never cheated, but wanted my blessing to pursue her and stay married to me. He said I couldn’t handle being single in my 50s. Well, I filed for divorce, and he pushed back. Our divorce was emotionally horrible, but I’m luckier than I could be. I’m a teacher, so I’m not rich, but I’ll have a pension and health coverage. He was a much higher earner with a better lawyer so he got the house and most assets. But I recently inherited my mom’s one-bed condo, so I didn’t have to give up my city or find a new career. Our adult kids didn’t take it well, and still are sad about “not being a family anymore,” and believe there’s equal blame. He remarried within two months, while I’m still single three years later. There are younger guys who are fun for a night, but I still haven’t met age-appropriate relationship material. I try not to be bitter but I am. I’m lucky to have friends, career, kids and hobbies. I try to stay focused on that.

Now, apparently, he and his wife suffered from a major health event last year. They are hoping for a payout from a lawsuit and filing for SSI, but will both not be able to work and will require some care at home. They re-mortgaged the house at some point and now can’t afford the combination of payments, taxes, and being unemployed with medical needs. So here we go…

They went to her son and my two kids to ask for housing and care help. All the kids are scraping by with roommates and student loans so they said no. But now my ex is asking ME to take him and his wife in “just until they get the lawsuit money.”

I know that day might never come, I hate him, and selfishly I don’t want him to get the “two women, one household” dream he had pre-divorce. To prevent my life from becoming some type of Ethan Frome nightmare, I gave a firm no. Then when he pushed, I blocked him. But now I’m getting nearly constant pressure from my kids. He got nearly 70 percent of our assets in the divorce, I don’t even understand how he’s in this situation. I don’t have much to share if I wanted to! I don’t want them to live in the street but I would like to never think about them again, if possible. How do I close this topic forever?

—This Isn’t My Problem

Dear Isn’t My Problem,

You can’t stop your kids from wanting you to move their dad in, but you can refuse to talk about it anymore. “I understand that you care about your dad, but it’s not possible and this is the last time I’m going to discuss it” would be a good line to use. Yes, they might be upset with you and I know that won’t be a good feeling. But they are very likely going to be upset with you regardless. It’s just a matter of whether it’s now, or when your ex and his wife move in and have some kind of conflict with you, or when they refuse to leave. Remember: You aren’t the only person standing between this couple and homelessness, and you’re arguably the least appropriate person in the world to rescue them. The new wife must have family and friends.The sooner you say a firm and final no the sooner they can explore other options. Your ex is unreasonable and your kids, while adults, aren’t adult enough to see it yet. I think they will at some point. But until then, you don’t need two of your least favorite people in the world sleeping in your living room.

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I was briefly engaged to “Matt,” but ultimately found that his small kids were really difficult and the way he and his ex co-parented was not setting anyone up for consistency, boundaries, or getting needed therapy. I didn’t want to be an evil stepmother. I saw the writing on the wall and broke it off. I’m now much happier, married to my wonderful husband, and parenting our toddlers together. At this point, Matt’s an acquaintance, since we live in a small place and didn’t part on bad terms. His ex recently overdosed, which is horrible especially for the kids, now teenagers. We went to the service because again: small town, small world.

But recently Matt reached out and requested we take responsibility for his kids in the event of his death. Guardianship is a big deal and we were surprised. Just because I know them doesn’t mean I’m interested or able to care for them, and my husband wants it even less. They’re old enough that it’s very unlikely this will be needed, but we politely declined and suggested he go with someone who knows them better. He came back more persistently. I get that the death of his ex probably set him on edge about this stuff, but I’m neither qualified (his kids were, and are, a handful) nor interested. He has both family and friends, and we are neither. And we specifically split because of major differences in parenting! How do we politely yet firmly get this through? It’s cold, but it is also true. Please pick someone else!

Poor Matt! He’s in a really tough spot and I can totally see how the trauma of losing his partner would lead him to imagine other worst case scenarios and try to put things in place to protect his kids. But, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, that’s not your problem. If he reaches out again, say something like, “We’ve talked it over and we are really not up for the responsibility. If the unthinkable happens, and I don’t think it will, your kids deserve someone who is enthusiastic about the task of parenting them. I know you can find a better choice among your friends and family.”

I have been with my wonderful husband for 10 years, married for 8. We’re in our mid- to upper- 40s. He’s a great guy—he takes great care of me, is politically progressive, clearly loves and cherishes me, and is funny. However, there’s one sticking point in our marriage that I just can’t seem to get beyond.

We live in a particularly fun city, with great concerts, comedy shows, and other activities at our doorstep. I love to go out and do these things on a regular basis. My husband says he does too —he’ll buy tickets for concerts and will be really excited about it. But then when we get to the actual show, 99 percent of the time he does very little but complain about the crowds, how terrible people’s etiquette is, bad drivers to/from the venue, etc. And by “complain,” I mean that he gets enraged and is really very unpleasant to be around. At his best, he snaps at me and throws a hissy fit or will drink too much and make loud, snide comments. At his worst, he will honk my horn (I always drive, and he reaches over to honk it) and roll down the window to yell at drivers when he doesn’t like how they are driving. I have the child locks activated for this reason.

I’m very sensitive to other people’s feelings, so these episodes ruin the entire night for me, and I am terrified that someone is going to shoot us in a road rage incident. I am at the point where I don’t even want to go out anymore because it affects me so much. I would leave him at home, but we have the same taste in music/comedy/art, so I would miss out if I only went to events that I know he wouldn’t like and I would feel too guilty to go to events that I know he would enjoy without him because of this. I also just don’t want to do fun things without my husband!

I’ve tried talking to him about this, and he will seem to hear me. But he ultimately seems to think that he is justified to keep doing it because “people are terrible.” He doesn’t behave nearly as badly when we are out with our friends, like if we’re on a double date. Aside from only going out with friends, staying home all the time, or just ignoring him … I don’t know if there’s another option I am not thinking of, or another way of telling him that he’s a terrible date that I’m not thinking of.

—My Husband Is a Terrible Date

I always have to point out when I notice an imbalance related to how much the two people in a matter seem to care about each other’s experiences. You would feel guilty going to see a band your husband likes without him, but he’s unconcerned about completely ruining every night out for you—not to mention leaving you in fear of a road rage incident.

“Rage” is the key word here. Yes, your husband is a bad date, but the bigger problem is that he can’t control his anger. You say he’s not as bad when you’re with friends, but I am willing to bet that if you take inventory of your entire life with him, you’ll find more examples of him losing control and leaving you feeling shaken and on edge.

So instead of talking to him about how he ruined yet another concert or comedy show, speak more broadly about how his moods are erratic and leading to behavior that makes you uneasy. And ask him to see about seeking professional help with that. Until he does, absolutely do not put yourself in a situation where he can scream and beep the horn while you’re driving (that’s really dangerous!) or just make your night miserable. This disruption to his routine might be the incentive he needs to take his emotional struggles seriously. And whether you stay home or choose someone else to join you, you’ll be having a better time than you are while dealing with him.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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