Help! My Sister-in-Law Always Spoils My Holiday Plan the Same Way. This Year Is Going to Be Different.

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I realize Christmas is still a ways off, but every year I go all out to find my niece the hottest must-have toy, only for her mother (my sister-in-law) to accuse me of trying to buy her affection. My brother and his wife have fewer resources than I have, so I don’t mind shelling out to make my niece’s Christmas as magical as possible. How can I convince my SIL that I’m not trying to upstage her?

I’m curious about whether your SIL just complains about the gifts you give, or if she has also asked you to stick to a list or a particular dollar amount. You should definitely honor any specific requests she’s made.

If not, there are a couple of possible solutions for the upcoming holiday. They all rely on some goodwill between the two of you, and I’m not sure how much that has been eroded by the conversations (fights?) about gifts over the years, but see what you think:

1. Tell your sister-in-law that you’d really like to get something special for your niece, and ask how she would feel about making it a gift from Santa, to avoid any accusations of affection-buying or upstaging (but the way you’d put it would something like “if that might be fun,” that avoids triggering her insecurities). Of course, this means you’d get no credit, so your comfort with the plan will be a good test of whether your priority really is for your niece’s Christmas to be magical.

2. Give your brother and sister-in-law their gifts early and include a gift card to a toy store, with a cute note saying something like “Something for Santa’s elves, who work so hard to make this time of year great,” hoping they use it to buy something your niece would really love.

3. Consider treating your niece to an experience rather than a tangible gift. Some sort of holiday train ride or tea party or ice-skating experience—or even an activity like baking cookies or driving around looking at Christmas lights together—would probably be more meaningful to her than the hottest toy of the year. Plus, it wouldn’t invite comparison with the things she’s unwrapping from her parents, and it could become a really nice tradition.

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I live in a small town in a northern state. I am involved in a very worthwhile community organization that does a lot of good work locally. I donate money generously. I am also involved on the board of a local sports organization and also in a couple small social groups (think card and book clubs). I enjoy these people tremendously and think they’re all a wonderful group.

My problem lies in the fact that while I enjoy their company at the organization, on the courts or in our groups, I am constantly being invited to “social events” for each of these organizations. It’s usually to patronize our local (tavern) supporters. It is endless! I don’t mind helping behind the scenes for fund-raising events, but also have an elderly mother and an online business, both of which keep me very busy. Also, I am just not that social of a person. But people keep trying to guilt-trip me into attending. Am I wrong? Should I attend more social events? Or is there some response I can give these people? I frankly find socializing at these events exhausting and can’t wait to leave.

—Want to Hide in a Corner

Dear Want to Hide,

You’re doing more than enough. Everyone knows that. It might be helpful to think of the guilt trip as an expression of how much these people like you and would love to hang out with you socially, which is nice! But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your priorities to their (very sweet) desires. You should come up with a brief script to use when you’re feeling pressured. Try this: “I would love to go, but just about every moment of my life is scheduled, between caring for mom and running my business, so if I went to happy hour I wouldn’t be able to do the fundraising call. I hope everyone has a great time!”

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What are the proper manners for addressing the conundrum of restaurant meals arriving at different times? I have never seen a good and thorough answer to this, but it comes up during holiday meals at restaurants with friends or coworkers. A group of friends or coworkers place their meal orders with the waiter. The waiter returns within a reasonable time with the meals—save that of one diner. That final meal mysteriously requires up to an hour to prepare for that unfortunate diner. I have seen or been informed of the following responses (not addressing, for the purpose of this question, how restaurant management responds—hopefully with prompt apologies, explanation, and offer of a substitute meal on the house, at the very least):

1. The remaining diners delay starting their own meals, which grow cold while the lone diner attempts unsuccessfully to encourage them to go ahead and eat.

2. The other diners start their meals, leaving their unfortunate companion feeling awkward and forced to either wolf down her meal at the end of the lunch hour (while her companions try to avoid looking at their watches or tapping their fingers impatiently) or take it to-go.

3. The other diners kindly offer to share portions of their own meals to their hapless companion, who may feel as though she is either imposing or does not find her fellow diners’ meal selections to be appetizing (otherwise, she would have ordered one of those same items in the first place).

4. The group instructs the waiter to remove everyone’s dishes and bring out fresh meals for everyone at the same time (arguably a waste of food, and the group’s time may be limited).

5. The extreme example, where the restaurant staff is decidedly unapologetic, everyone leaves and locates another restaurant—again, if there is sufficient time.

How would you gracefully address this situation, in both the role of the hapless diner and of her companions?

What should happen is that the person whose meal is delayed says, “Please, everyone, start eating before your food gets cold,” and after putting up a small protest everyone agrees. It would also be great for everyone to offer her some fries or something — whatever’s easy to share. Ideally, she would accept it so everyone could relax and not feel awkward about eating. Maybe someone could even call over the waiter and ask for a bowl of soup or something that would come out of the kitchen quickly for her to eat. Worst case scenario, she takes her real entree home. And the best possible outcome is that the restaurant takes it off the bill as well.

But it’s impossible to control how each dinner guest will behave. So, when in doubt, focus on being kind and working to make sure everyone (especially the person who’s waiting for her meal) is comfortable. And remember the purpose of the gathering, which is about food but also about spending time together. So you don’t want to get up and leave and search for another restaurant, you don’t want to sit there angry and refuse to eat or make the waiter take all the plates back, and you definitely don’t want to make the slow service the thing everyone remembers about the time you spent together.

During my six-year marriage to an amazing man, I have had a cordial relationship with his mother. I am now pregnant with his family’s first grandchild. My husband and I mutually decided that we didn’t want to know the sex before the birth. My mother-in-law was livid with our decision, even though I tried to placate her by using the obstetrician she suggested and allowing her to attend some of my prenatal appointments. She continued to bring up gender at every opportunity. My doctor’s staff was aware of our decision not to know the baby’s sex, but after one sonogram I was surprised to see my mother-in-law at the office smiling ear to ear. A few days later I had messages from family members congratulating me on the baby girl I was having!