Help! I Have a Dark Fantasy About My Mother-in-Law That Keeps Me Up at Night.

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I have the classic she’s lovely, but… question. My mother-in-law is wonderful, adores my children, and is a dedicated and loving presence for them. My husband is her only child. She is aging, eccentric, and as my teen says, “extra.” She adds many great things to our lives, but she honestly is a big source of stress and tension for my husband and myself (his father is deceased). When she is stressing me out, I think about how much simpler my life will be once she dies. And I feel bad about this!

As much as my husband finds his mother stressful, he will be devastated when she’s gone, and so will my children (not to mention myself!). However, I just keep coming back to these thoughts about her dying and the burden of caring for her being finished. We both work full-time and have four kids, so our lives are busy. She lives independently, but relies on us for emotional fulfilment and all other types of familial obligations. How can I get these dark thoughts of my children’s beloved grandmother out of my head?

I really believe that attempting to talk yourself out of unwanted thoughts gives them super powers. This is the same thing I think when people say they want to suppress an inappropriate crush: Give it up. It won’t work. Just let yourself keep your feelings. They’re not harming anyone.

Instead, let’s focus on your actions and making sure they’re aligned with 1) being the kind of person you want to be, and 2) being strategic about setting your husband up to have some measure of peace when his mom is gone. You should reevaluate what you do for your MIL in the name of emotional fulfillment, because that kind of need can be a bottomless pit—you’ll never make her completely happy. But you might think of a handful of actions that feel meaningful to you and also support your husband in feeling good about her final years.

For example, ask her if she has a few things she’d really like to do (don’t use the phrase “bucket list,” but that’s kind for what I mean) and offer to take her to do only those that sound appealing to you. Or perhaps you could work on creating a photo album of her special moments with the kids, with the idea that it will bring comfort to your husband when she’s gone. (Of course this will mean you have to be there for the experiences, but it might feel different if you have a concrete goal that’s more about his future needs than his current ones.) What about looking up some interview prompts to encourage her to share memories and life lessons and asking her a question each time you’re together? She’ll feel seen and respected, which will be great for her, and you can write down the responses to share with your children one day. You might even really enjoy reading them once you’re on the other side of all this stress.

In addition, take a look at everything you’re doing for her and determine whether there might be a way for you to lighten your load. Are you taking on more than your husband and if so, could you sit back and allow him to do more to figure out how to make his mom feel fulfilled? If you’re both at capacity, could you call in support from other relatives (“Can everyone commit to one visit and three phone calls between now and the New Year?”)? Or maybe you and he could look into local clubs and activities (eccentric ones that welcome “extra” people) that might interest her. And if you can squeeze an extra hour or so out of your busy weeks, join a support group for caregivers. I think you’ll quickly realize that the feelings you’re ashamed of are not all that unique.

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My husband’s co-worker will randomly ask him for a hug. The first time it happened, he said she was crying and he thought he was making her happy by complying with her wish. My husband is not an affectionate person, and his behavior upsets me, since he isn’t this way with me. He also knows how I feel about “hugging,” since he doesn’t hug me. I feel I can no longer trust him. He feels he didn’t do anything wrong and it meant nothing. Why am I feeling hurt, and what should I do?

You’re justifiably feeling hurt because it sounds like your husband is affectionate with everyone but you. That’s awful! And it would be awful even without this particular coworker hug. I don’t know why he’s like this, why he would choose to share the story with you, or why he would pretend not to understand why it would be upsetting. But to put it simply, none of it is OK. I’m not going to sit here and tell you to file for divorce today because I know it’s not that simple, and that there are things about him that you probably love.

Instead, I’m just encouraging you to shift the way you think about your marriage. Forget about comparing your point of view to your husband’s (you think what he’s doing is wrong; he disagrees) and giving both positions equal weight. Remember that you’re the only one who truly cares about how you feel every day and whether you experience being loved in the way you deserve. Yes, relationships take compromise, but everyone doesn’t get a vote when it comes to the amount of pain you should have to live with. Your opinion is the only one that matters.

With that in mind, think about the kind of marriage you would like to have (I assume it involves affection and a person who takes your feelings seriously) and compare it to the one you’re in. Start to let yourself imagine what it would be like to be in a marriage in which, even when you have disagreements, you know you both want the best for each other and are both trying your best. Then start to think about how you might get there. When you feel ready, make some moves. Maybe a short separation would be a good start. I really believe there is something better out there for you. I see a future where you’re feeling peaceful and self-assured, and receive at least as many hugs as your husband’s random coworkers.

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Since my mother-in-law lost her partner, she has poured all her time and affection into her three dogs. The result is three little monsters that jump, snap, and tear at everything in reach. You can’t wear anything but pants around them because they will attack bare legs or eat food unless they’re locked behind the baby gate. My mother-in-law refuses to leave them behind for anything. If she comes, the monsters come, and she actually finds the discomfort of other people around them amusing.

Well, my sister and her two small children will be coming to Thanksgiving. One has just started crawling. I haven’t seen them since the birth of my youngest. I couldn’t live with myself if they got bit. My husband says we will just put the dogs in another room. We tried that before, and I have ripped leggings and scratches to testify that the dogs can and will get out.

My mother-in-law only lives an hour away, but refuses to leave the dogs behind for a goddamn afternoon meal. Her go-to threat is if her dogs aren’t welcomed, she isn’t. I usually let my husband deal with his mother and tolerate the mess and the monsters, but I am putting my foot down here. Still, I do have to live with my husband and the ire of his mother if she is excluded from Thanksgiving. Any other options?

A meal at an upscale, pet-friendly hotel where the dogs can have their own room upstairs, and your MIL can go visit them whenever she wants.

My 21-year-old niece is six weeks pregnant. She currently has no job, no permanent address, no health insurance, and no partner. My partner and I recently bought a house and have a spare bedroom. When I heard my niece was pregnant, my first thought was that if she didn’t want to keep it, we should take it. Should we?