Help! I Warned My Mom Not to Give Her Precious Heirloom to My Daughter. Now She’s Paying the Consequences.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

My mother thought it would be a wonderful idea to give my daughter a very valuable family heirloom—and she didn’t listen to my warnings.

My daughter has been struggling with addiction issues for several years. Inevitably, my daughter lapsed and sold the heirloom to buy drugs, which very nearly killed her.

My mother is shocked, angry, and defensive. She insists that she’s been wronged and can’t understand why her decision to ignore my advice to make a gesture put my daughter at risk. In all the drama, she’s refusing to speak to my daughter; insisting that I come for Thanksgiving and Christmas, where my adult child will be unwelcome; demanding apologies; and relentlessly calling friends and family to declare her victimhood.

I’ve tried repeatedly to get her to come to an Al-Anon meeting so she can better understand addiction, but she refuses. I’m not sure I can put up with her right now, and I want to put her on hold for a few months while I deal with the fallout of my daughter’s lapse, which includes hospital bills and legal issues. Can I do that in a way that still leaves the door open for discussion and reconciliation?

Dear Too Many Divas,

I had to re-read your letter to make sure your daughter didn’t steal the heirloom from your mom. Because her anger would make sense if that were the case. But it was a gift! People can do whatever they want with gifts! Including selling them for drugs. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that your daughter’s choice was unfortunate and even upsetting, but it doesn’t deserve this kind of reaction. Despite your warnings, your mom made a really dumb choice, and now she’s being unreasonable. Perhaps because on some level, she’s actually mad at herself.

I don’t think you need to make a big decision about cutting her off for a certain number of months. Just tell her something like, “I understand that you’re upset about what happened with Great Grandma’s special ring, but I don’t think punishing Kaley for the predictable result of her addiction makes sense right now. All of my energy is going toward supporting her and taking care of myself during this really hard time, and it wouldn’t feel right to me to attend a holiday celebration where she’s not welcome. So both of us will be at home for Thanksgiving, and we can all get together when you feel ready. If you need time to get over what she did—even if that’s not until after Christmas or the new year—I’ll understand.”

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