Help! My Parents Retired and Became Unrecognizable Divas.

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I love my parents, but since they retired three years ago, it is as though their brains have drained out of their ears. I am not talking about their opinions on politics, but just basic common sense.

I saw my parents actually ask grocery workers putting out fresh fried chicken if the birds were from last night, and get offended when told no and that it would be a health department violation. They won’t call and make reservations, and then they will not stop complaining because the restaurant is busy with a long wait time. Anything that requires a coupon or QR code gets ignored because they think they can get the special price without it. I watched my father get in a shouting match with a teenage manager over his deserving to get the senior citizen discount every time, despite the fact that he was standing right next to a sign that said it was only on select days. If they ask a question, it takes me repeating the answer several times because they will straight up ignore me the first time.

Last time I visited, I was subjected to an hour-long rant because the local bakery refused to have an employee stay an hour on the phone while my mother dithered over what kind of cake to get for a party, and she was told to look online. I pointed out to my mother that the place was a small business and didn’t have the largest staff. They don’t have that kind of manpower and need to get to the actual business of baking cakes. It just didn’t compute for my mother, and she was a retail manager her entire life. It has gotten to the point that I don’t want to be caught out in public with them because of how many scenes they have caused over the most trivial crap. What do I do here? I love my parents, but they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior.

Get a second opinion. Do you have a friend, cousin, or someone who’s known your parents for a long time who can observe them and tell you whether their behavior is truly outrageous? I ask because while the shouting match sounds a little concerning, a lot of what you have described seems to be within the range of how some people behave as they get past retirement age. And when the people are not your own parents, it’s not nearly as upsetting because it doesn’t inspire fear and despair over their moving into another stage of life, and their mortality.

So ask yourself: Is it really that your parents are behaving in a way that’s totally unacceptable, or are they just behaving like people who no longer care as much about social graces and may be dealing with some normal cognitive decline, or a little anxiety about functioning in a quickly changing world where the technology is new, everyone seems rushed, and interacting with small businesses isn’t what it once was?

I have a theory that our society doesn’t give older adults a lot of reverence or ask for their wisdom, so in an attempt to claw back some of the respect they wish they were given, some find themselves trying to harangue retail workers and customer service representatives into treating them better. Whether or not I’m right, a person in their seventh decade of life being a little more prone to bizarre or demanding behavior than a younger adult may be is certainly not unheard of. And I doubt the people they’re interacting with are really upset about it.

So, can you try to look at your parents as just people, and not your parents? If they were someone else’s mom and dad, would their antics set you off as much? Think about it. And then think about whether there’s a way you might be able to offer them some of the feeling they’re chasing when they fight for a senior discount or a personalized cake ordering consultation. Slow down around them. Listen to them. Ask them what they need. Even better: Ask them for advice. That will do much more good than lecturing them about how the trivial (to you) things that make up their daily lives don’t matter.

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My daughter is getting married in February, and my husband and I are paying for a destination wedding for her and our soon-to-be sister-in-law. The trouble is that the venue is near where my mother’s two high school friends live, and she is pressuring us to invite them to the wedding. Why is this such a problem (aside from the fact that my daughter and her fiancé don’t know them)?

Because the wife is in the habit of getting shitfaced at special events and causing scenes while her husband … has issues with keeping his hands to himself.  My mother is really needling us because she hasn’t seen these friends in years and says she wants to include them in my daughter’s special day. The last thing I want is for my daughter’s wedding to be marred by these two boors. How can I get my mother to stop pestering all of us?

—Not Guests Not on the List

Dear Not Guests Not on the List,

I tend to think concerns about people acting up and ruining weddings are overblown. Unless they’re getting shitfaced and objecting during the actual ceremony, or stealing a mic during the toasts, it’s not that big a deal. But that doesn’t matter. Your mother doesn’t get a say here!

Here’s your script: “There are a lot of people we would have loved to include, but we prioritized people who are close to the bride and groom. So it just won’t be possible to add your friends to the list.”

She might continue pestering you, and there’s not much you can do about that, but eventually, you can start talking about the decision in the past tense: “I know you were hoping to invite them, but it didn’t work out.” You really shouldn’t have to offer more of an explanation, but it’s worth mentioning that one would hope a grandmother would want to spend the wedding focused on her grandchild getting married, not hosting a mini high school reunion. Also, I assume she is free during whichever pre-wedding evening the bachelorette party takes place, and for brunch the following morning. Those would be great times to connect with her buddies.

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My husband’s father sadly died a few weeks ago. My husband has a sister, they’ve always been close, and I have always had a great relationship with her. Since their father died, my husband’s sister is gripped by anger, which I understand, but my husband and I have become the targets of it.

She is lashing out at us both daily. We can’t do anything right. She is furious at us for continuing with daily life, but we have no choice in that, as we have two children under 8 and I care for my mother, who has a serious medical issue and disability. We have no choice but to carry on with the daily routine of caring for our children.

I am trying my best to cut her some slack. I lost my own father a couple of years ago, and whilst I know everyone experiences grief differently, I can remember all too well the pain of my own grief. But the way she is behaving toward us is incredibly hurtful and damaging, and I fear it will do irreparable damage to the relationship. What should we do? How can we begin to approach this with her? Does a person’s grief make it OK for them to hurt other people? My husband is grieving too, and this feels unfair and unjust.

—Sad, Hurt, and Wanting to Make Things Better

We can and should give a little leeway for grief-related bad behavior. But that’s for things like grouchiness, poor communication, or failure to show up for others. Attacking people for not leaving their small children and elderly parents to fend for themselves is taking things a little too far. A lot too far, actually. You definitely don’t have to accept her lashing out at you.

The way you can be kind to your sister-in-law is to treat the topic gently and suggest something that might make her feel more connected to you and your husband and less desperate to make sure everyone is responding exactly the way she is.

Try something like this: “We’re all grieving, and I know one part that’s been hard for you is the way we are seemingly getting back to normal life in my household. I’m sure you know we don’t have a choice when it comes to caring for our kids and my mom. But I can also imagine it’s hard to see us doing things that make it look like we’ve moved on. I assure you we haven’t. Maybe we could figure out a way that the three of us can have regular time to honor and remember your dad. That will carve out a dedicated space for us outside of the daily scramble to raise kids, and it will assure you that you will not be left alone, and we’re all mourning alongside you.”

I am getting married in a just a few short months. Everything has been going wonderfully, the only snag in the whole proceedings has been the wedding dress. I found a perfect dress six months ago. My fiancé’s mother found the perfect dress for me as well: her old one that she got married in…