Help! My Family Can Responsibly Handle This Part of Thanksgiving Dinner. But My In-Laws Cannot Be Trusted.

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My husband’s family tends to overdo it when it comes to alcohol on special occasions, and they become loud and obnoxious. This is our year to host Thanksgiving, and my family looks forward to having wine with dinner. The difference is that they can handle alcohol consumption responsibly. I can’t see any way to enforce a rule where my family can drink while my husband’s family can’t. And I enjoy having some expensive wine for the holidays myself. Is there some way to walk this line without ending up with a houseful of drunks?

Dear Wallowing Over Wine,

Nope. I briefly thought you could manage the wine supply and walk around filling glasses (just once) as if you’re a server at a banquet, but they’ll probably bring their own bottles, so that won’t work.

Is there any way you can make “loud and obnoxious” more bearable? Maybe you can ask everyone to go for a walk outdoors, where it’s acceptable to use outside voices. Turn on music and make it a dance party! Take mental notes on outrageous behavior as material to discuss with your husband after everyone leaves, and convince yourself that the chaos is part of your Thanksgiving tradition. Wear noise-reducing earplugs. Take the kids out to the yard to throw a football around or gather leaves for an art project, creating some distance between yourself and all the yelling. While discussing this letter with a few colleagues, Good Job columnist Laura Helmuth recommended karaoke, which I think could be a good outlet for all their boisterous energy.

Whatever you choose, though, save your expensive wine to accompany your leftovers the next day, when you can actually relax.

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After 18 years, I had a fairly large end to my career, but still managed to stay in the completely insular friend group I was a part of. That stopped when I moved to a nearby, very liberal city approximately 45 minutes away from where we all lived. I moved 13 years ago. I have had ups and downs, and my friends haven’t been to my house in a decade. They “hate the city.” I stopped driving to see them after the pandemic.

Despite this, I love these people and know them like the back of my hand. I thought they knew me. I just congratulated someone on a first grandbaby and got accused by text, some of it in all caps, of cutting everyone off. Well, I didn’t do that. I missed several parties, retirements, and funerals when I probably should have been there. I didn’t have the mental energy, gas, or time off. I’m in a better place now. I’ve bought cards to send to three close friends, explaining that I’m sorry I wasn’t there, but they can contact me at my number. Should I send the cards or let this go?

—Chuck 20 Years Away

Dear Chuck 20 Years Away,

Send them. But make the message a little more upbeat and inviting than, “Sorry I wasn’t there; Here’s my number.” Say something like, “I hate that we have drifted apart, but I miss you so much and would love to reconnect.” Then suggest a time and place to meet. This might not work as well for the person who yelled at you in response to a congratulatory note, but I’m sure others would be thrilled to hear from you.

Your mention of your friends’ hatred of your liberal city suggests that, in addition to distance, there might be something at play here related to clashing worldviews or a lack of shared values. You wouldn’t be the first person to want to kind of ignore those things to honor special relationships and people you were once very close to. Suggest a get-together in the place where you all used to live, where everyone is comfortable. Show interest in their lives and avoid saying anything that would trigger defensiveness in them by suggesting that you think your time in the big, scary city makes you superior. But also, pay attention to how they make you feel. Nostalgia for old friendships and affection for people who meant a lot to you at one point in your life isn’t the same as compatibility in the present.

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My husband does something that I find annoying. The years when we don’t have Thanksgiving dinner at home, my husband will make it himself after we return from visiting whatever relative we’re seeing. He’ll do the whole meal with a turkey and everything. He does all the cooking and cleans everything up himself, but isn’t the point of going over to someone else’s for Thanksgiving to avoid the inconvenience of having to make the food yourself? His excuse is that he likes to have certain things for Thanksgiving and looks forward to the leftovers. Isn’t he being greedy here?

Dear Tolerating a Turkey,

Who cares if he’s being greedy? Problematic greediness would look like eating all the turkey at the shared meal, leaving none for anyone else. And no, the point of going over to someone else’s house for Thanksgiving is not to “avoid the inconvenience of having to make the food yourself.” That’s the point of DoorDash! For many, Thanksgiving is about togetherness and gathering with family and loved ones. Your husband is showing up, participating, I assume not complaining about the food, and then doing what he wants at home. I actually love it. Let him be.

My relationship ended because although we were still in love, we were at an impasse where children were concerned: He had gone from “maybe” wanting them to 100 percent committed to living child-free. I have always wanted to be a mother, so we split amicably and I moved back to where I’m from on the other side of the world. I discovered I’m pregnant two weeks ago and am feeling conflicted…