There’s Only One Way to Handle a Truly Terrible Co-Worker. You’re Not Going to Like It.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.

Re Got Bitten: I’ve had some awful, rude, selfish co-workers. But if it gets to that level of rudeness, I think there’s only one real way to deal with them.

You wrote, “I know it’s tough to have a co-worker with a bad personality. We’ve all been there. But the way to handle it is not to get into a screaming match.” I agree with this. You should back away, alert a supervisor calmly, and move on. Avoid interactions when possible. Nod, smile, and say things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” without apologizing or admitting to anything they have said.

The moment you lose your cool, you’ve lost all credibility as the calm and neutral party who is being antagonized. I have no doubt Kathy is a rude bore from what the LW has written. But don’t sink to her level. It will do you no favors.

Yes! “The moment you lose your cool, you’ve lost all credibility” is what I’m always trying to tell people who report something absolutely awful that a friend or relative has done, followed by a description of how they called that person every name in the book. It’s just a bad idea—especially at work.

It sounds like Preferably Punctual’s wife may be experiencing some “time blindness,” which can be a symptom of ADHD. Of course, this isn’t the case for every procrastinator, but if the wife’s behavior is severely negatively impacting this and several areas of their lives, it may be worth investigating. In the meantime, there are some strategies the letter writer could try, such as setting alarms on his wife’s phone to help have a visual and auditory cue that it’s time to leave or even setting the clocks in the house ahead by 15 minutes.

Another thing to consider is that perhaps the wife just might not want to attend these events. Maybe her procrastination on getting ready is a kind of passive resistance (whether subconsciously or not) in order to spend less time at social gatherings. I get the impression that the LW is not really referring to things like, say, doctor’s appointments when he says he will leave without her (doesn’t make sense to leave without the patient, and if her presence is necessary at his appointments, again, it doesn’t make sense to go without her). This suggests that the events in question might be more enjoyable or important to the LW, rather than his wife. If that’s the case, does she even want to attend, or does she feel obligated? The latter could explain her reticence towards getting ready in what the LW would deem a timely manner. It’s definitely worth a conversation to suss out.

Oh wow—this is very insightful. It reminds me of that t-shirt that says, “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.” They should definitely talk about whether she’d rather stay home (and use a timer for the events that are actually important).

In your answer to Good Son, you wrote that it “didn’t quite sit right” with you that the LW was asking his mom, the actual victim, to adjust her behavior for his comfort while his dad, the perpetrator of verbal abuse, didn’t have to do anything. YES! This is the ultimate answer. Firstly, the LW read his mother’s private thoughts in a “random notebook” and he felt “traumatized”? Bro should’ve stopped at reading his mom’s notebook. But then the victim blaming really takes this to new levels of ick for me, someone who A) actually witnessed terrible fights between my parents that drove me to hide in my closet, B) experienced sexual abuse as a kid, and C) experienced domestic violence at the hands of an ex. Dude really would’ve been better off confronting his dad with his awful behavior at some point rather than blaming his mom.

Sorry. I just needed to vent.

—Not Another Victim Blamer

I couldn’t agree more, and the fact that the letter writer was snooping when he learned about the abuse makes the victim blaming even worse.

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Re Phone Fracas: I’m an extrovert. I love to talk with my people and with strangers. I’m also a social worker and have been for decades. By the time I get out of my car at the end of my work day, I have been listening, talking, greeting, smiling, empathizing, educating, laughing, holding my ground, sometimes crying with, focusing on other people, using my drive to catch up with friends and family for 10 consecutive hours. The last thing I have interest, energy, and patience for on my way from my car to my apartment is a neighbor who is not one of my close friends. And I have even avoided them by entering through another door. Well-meaning LW and I would have had words about boundaries a long time ago.

—Being a Good Neighbor Goes Both Ways

I mean, I once set off the fire alarm and had an entire office building evacuated because I made a frantic, quick turn to avoid riding the elevator with someone I didn’t want to chat with. I didn’t realize I’d opened the door to the fire stairs. So I get it!

I think you let Phone Fracas off way too easy. Community building is one thing, but this lady sounds less like the neighborhood glue and more like the neighborhood glue trap. I doubt she’s as central to their happiness as she imagines.

She scoops up packages: helpful, or just presumptuous? She brings leftovers to people’s doors—did they ask for that? (Nothing screams “bon appétit” like an unrequested casserole on your doorstep.) She hollers for attention even when someone’s clearly on the phone. And why exactly is she the self-appointed messenger for the landlord?

To me, she sounds like a nosy nightmare, forcing contact whether people want it or not under the banner of “looking out for everyone.” I’d do the phone trick too, if I saw her camped outside waiting to pounce. And her over-the-top reaction says it all: she’s outraged that her efforts aren’t appreciated and her unsolicited goodwill isn’t showered with applause. The irony is, her icing the neighbor out is probably the exact peace offering she was hoping for.

Even though I think there’s real value in knowing your neighbors, I can personally be kinda bad about things that require being outgoing and chit-chatting a lot. It’s possible that knowing that about myself caused me to overcorrect a bit and congratulate this woman for the warm and fuzzy, community-building (exhausting) vibes she brought to the building. Maybe a little bit more than she deserved. She is indeed a major busybody and probably annoys a lot of people.

A college friend has long been an “uncle” to our two children. He has been there for school events, milestones, vacations, etc. Our daughter went away to college this year, to a town about 45 minutes from this friend’s house. He volunteered to look out for her, take her off campus for movies, send her mail, and drive her to and from our house for various events. The other day, our almost-50-year-old friend admitted that, for the past five months, he has been “falling in love” with our barely 19-year-old daughter. He says this is not OK and that he’s been trying to prevent the feelings, though he has not reduced his interactions with her.