I Stumbled Across My Wife’s Secret, Sexy Writing. I Had No Idea She Wanted … That.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My (30s M) wife (30s F) and I are both bi. We have a fun and active if pretty vanilla sex life. My laptop broke, so my wife and I have been sharing. I work from home so she made me a user on her laptop until I can get a new one. However, one day she forgot to close a document and I discovered this massive sci-fi/dark fantasy story she has been writing. I wasn’t so surprised because I know she has submitted to magazines in the past and has an interest in sci-fi. What really surprised me was the explicit and highly varied sex scenes.

Same-sex couples, different-sex couples, threesomes, public sex, S and M, pegging, voyeurism, edging and denial, artistic bondage, and sex with androids and aliens, are just some of the sex scenes she has written about. It’s well written, spans across several documents and there are also short stories exploring the different characters’ motivations, personalities, and daily lives (it’s not just sex, there’s a pretty decent plot, too).

I think it’s hot that my wife is into these things! I don’t know how to bring them up to her because clearly, if she wanted me to know, she would have said something. We’ve talked about sex and 85 percent of this stuff didn’t make the list. Should I just say nothing? Or should I suggest trying some of these things myself as if I thought of them? I chose to close the documents and act like nothing happened, but while she’s out I’ve been reading them daily and sometimes use them to get off.

—Should I Just Keep My Mouth Shut?

Dear Keep My Mouth Shut,

Being “into” something is a broad spectrum of levels of interest. This can range everywhere from a desire to think about, view material depicting, or read and write about during solo time to a desire to enact these specifics in reality with other people. There’s also the possibility that she, driven by capitalism and what her editors are saying gets readers, is writing about sexual acts that she isn’t particularly interested in herself. And there’s a chance that she left this file open on purpose as a way of starting a conversation. You won’t know until you talk about it.Looking at a file she left open on a computer the two of you share is nowhere near, say, digging through her cell phone. However, she may not have intended to leave that story where you might see it, and feel uncomfortable. If this is the case, briefly—very briefly—communicate your enjoyment of her story and tell her the subject can be closed. Something like “I liked what I read, and we don’t have to discuss this further if you don’t want to.” Then, stay out of her writing files unless she invites you to read them in the future.

More likely, though, the two of you will be able to have a conversation about what you’ve read. You might ask her if the project is for anything in particular, whether she’s aroused by any of the activities she writes about, and share that her sex scenes get you going. You might ask if you can continue to read what she’s working on, and whether she’d like to engage in any role-play along those lines. Listen actively, engage in a back-and-forth, find out some facts, and see where the discussion takes you. I think transparency and consent will, at the very least, help you get to know each other a little better.

From: My Wife Left a Secret File Open on Our Laptop. Oh My God. (Oct. 18, 2022).

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Dear How to Do It,

Sometimes my boyfriend smells bad. Not all the time, but enough days that I’ve found myself here. The funny thing is that he actually told me about this column. Anyway, I think it’s a point of pride for him. He was the stinky kid in middle school that didn’t get the deodorant hint and was subject to years of teasing followed by years of insecurity-driven meticulous grooming. That was until he reached a point of nirvana where he had fully accepted his body and all the smells that come with it, the present. That sounds great, unless you run 14K every day without deodorant. He’s nice, smart, funny, sexy, and has a great zest for life. But he’s OK with his undies smelling like pee when he doesn’t shake his biddy out enough, and he’s OK with his armpits being riper than brown bananas. This is all to say that I feel grossed out when I smell it in bed, and it turns me off. But how do I say it without tearing down the prideful confidence walls he’s built up for the love of his body? I’ve definitely hinted at it, and it did not go over so well. For example, this morning things were starting to get frisky until I poked my head under the covers and breathed in through my nose. I tried to ignore it at first. But as we kept at it, all I could think about was the sweet, sweet smell of urea that was permeating my sheets. I lifted my head up and said, “Baby, ya gotta shake a little more.” It was a nonstarter. He felt I was being mean, and that cuddle foreplay was not the time to make these pointers. When is the time? I don’t think I could’ve kept going. I love him and I love his body, but I don’t love the very, very preventable smells that’ve made their way into my life.

Have the conversation when you aren’t about to have sex, and lead with compassion. I don’t think that asking him to shake a little more is severe or insensitive, but he did, so if you want him to work with you, you’re going to have to work with him. He clearly is aware of what it is to be judged for his odor; he knows what it is to stink. But I think he’s got an extreme, “You’re either with me or against me” attitude that’s actually not particularly reasonable. Many people enjoy their partner’s general smell without wanting to set up camp under their foreskin and make friends with smegma. Tell him that you love him and you love his body, but like all bodies, sometimes his gets a little too rank for your taste. Frame it as just that: your taste. There are people out there who would gladly accept his unshook biddy, but you aren’t one of them, and relationships are negotiations right down to the level of funk we wish to receive from our partners. Between his stink and your sensibilities is a zone where you can both feel comfortable.

From: My Boyfriend Is Nice, Smart, Funny, Sexy, and Smells Like Pee. (Aug. 17, 2020).

Dear How to Do It,

My 13-year-old trans son recently told me that a friend’s mom gave him, the friend (also trans), a vibrator. I know my kid thinks his friend’s mom is generally wacky and that she does not support her son being transgender and is generally ultra-religious, so I said something like, “Wow, that surprises me, and it seems kind of intrusive to get that from your mom.” (I was actually wondering if this was some kind of don’t-be-trans thing from the mom—like, clitorises are great! Here, have a vibrator! Look! Fun! I had no idea where this conversation was going.)

My son replied, “Yeah.” Then he went on, “Well, I guess it’s not illegal or anything. I guess it wouldn’t be hard to get one, even for a kid. They could probably figure it out … ” I wasn’t sure where all this was going, so I said again, “It seems like a weird thing for a mom to give a kid out of nowhere. I guess if a kid asked me for one, I’d get it for them.” At which point my kid made that pleading I-want-a-puppy face, and I said, “You want a vibrator?” And he said, “Yeah,” and I said, “OK, I’ll get you one.” So my questions are, is there any reason a 13-year-old shouldn’t have a vibrator? I can’t think of any special health hazard or anything—is there one? I guess I’m actually kind of happy he’s feeling that accepting of his body since I know with dysphoria, for a long time, he just felt like everything “down there” on him was gross and wrong. Am I crazy to think this whole thing is good, maybe? Am I crazy to get my kid a vibrator if he wants one?

Philosophically, I see nothing wrong with you buying your 13-year-old son a sex toy, as he will be masturbating anyway. Just as you wouldn’t try to stop a fish from swimming or a bird from flying, so should you not attempt to impede a teenager from masturbating. By providing a vibrator, you are not merely being sex-positive; you’re fostering efficiency. That is good parenting, if you ask me.

But I’m guessing that part of why you’re asking this question is because facilitating a teen’s sexual expression is taboo and may feel like a weird thing to do, given teens’ vulnerability to exploitation. I thought it might be useful to get a legal expert on the record here, so I talked to Larry Walters, a First Amendment lawyer who serves as general counsel to the Woodhull Freedom Foundation, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual expression as a human right. I asked Walters if you could get in legal trouble for giving your son a vibrator, and the answer is probably not. “If a law enforcement agency wanted to prohibit the gifting of a toy to one’s child, I think there are significant constitutional issues that could be implicated in terms of family privacy rights,” he told me.

Regarding your health concerns: I haven’t come across any compelling arguments against a teen using a vibrator, but I’ve heard quite a few anecdotes in favor of it (such as this one). The notion that vibrators will desensitize genitals is sex-negative fear-mongering. A vibrator is preferable to whatever makeshift aid not manufactured for the purpose of masturbation your kid would forage (and teens, they will a-forage). Advise him to pay special attention to instructions, cleaning, and care, and don’t start with something that seems too advanced or complicated. This seems to me like a healthy situation from a sexual and communicative perspective, but maybe talk to your kid’s doctor, just to be safe, about any potential dysphoria-related issues that may come up here.

From: My 13-Year-Old Son Wants Me to Buy Him a Sex Toy. (Jan 20, 2020).

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My husband and I have an amazing relationship, and I love him deeply. A few months ago, at my suggestion, we started trying threesomes (with another woman) and have really enjoyed it so far. It’s brought us even closer—it’s given me a chance to explore that side of my sexuality—and it’s been a really fun and positive experience. One of our boundaries concerns his orgasm, which we decided from the beginning should always be with me. This hasn’t been an issue until our most recent encounter.