I Worked Hard to Befriend Our New Neighbors. My Trespassing Sister-in-Law Ruined the Relationship in One Afternoon.

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My husband and I just bought a new house in a rural area that is increasingly becoming suburbia, much to the dislike of the older residents. We tried to put our best foot forward with our nearest neighbors who are retired and run a small hobby farm. They have goats, chickens, and a few rescued horses. We became friends, and they encouraged us to bring our nieces and nephews over to teach them about gardening and farming. Their grandchildren are all grown and live far away. The rules were to not show up unannounced or wander around unsupervised—especially with the horses.

Our neighbors are full of horror stories of new “city people” acting like these properties are public areas and private amusement parks for them. One of their friends had to shoot a dog that the owner let off its leash after it went after some sheep and killed a few lambs. The dog owner tried to get the farmer arrested and ended up facing trespassing charges instead.

Well, my sister-in-law and her 6-year-old were staying with us while her apartment was under repairs after a fire. We repeatedly told her not to go over to the neighbors’ property without us or talking with our neighbors. She didn’t listen and was stupid enough to trespass into the paddock of one of the rescue horses. Then she tried to put her daughter on its back for a picture. The horse bucked, and it was very lucky my niece wasn’t killed or paralyzed. She escaped with a concussion and a body-sized bruise. Our neighbors came out after the screams started and called 911. My sister-in-law was hysterical and threatening to sue my neighbors over their “monster” horse. We got this all secondhand after we got back from the city.

Our neighbors sent us a certified mailed letter stating that no one from our property was allowed on their property and that they would be seeking legal action against my sister-in-law. My heart sank at getting this letter. My sister-in-law was still staying with us and went on a tirade about how awful our neighbors were and they are going to pay the hospital bill and ambulance ride if it kills her. I told her that she nearly killed her own kid and needed to start packing. She wasn’t going to stay with us any more after her actions. I was so angry I was pulling out her suitcase and throwing her clothes in while she was shouting at me. My husband was away and maybe I should have waited, but my sister-in-law just nuked our relationship with our neighbors. My sister-in-law and her daughter went to stay with my father-in-law two hours away. They don’t get along, and it is very far from her job, so more blame got thrown at me. My husband supports me but wishes I went about it a different way.

Is there any way to repair our relationship with our neighbors now?

Let’s start with thanks that no one died or was permanently injured due to your sister-in-law’s recklessness. She ignored repeated warnings, trespassed, and endangered her child with an extremely large and unpredictable rescue animal—and then threatened legal action against people who called 911 to help.

Were you right to kick her out once you got the letter? You might have waited to consult with your husband, as it is his sister and she was still staying with you. It seems your reaction was more from the shame of being outed as being just like all the other “city” folk than from the furor over your sister-in-law’s bad behavior.

What could have been your next step? Even if you were going to ask her to leave, you might have insisted she and her daughter first walk over and apologize to the neighbor for trespassing. If they couldn’t step onto their property, they should have written a letter. If they refused, you and your husband, together, could have presented a united front in showing her the front door.

Now, damage control. Write your neighbors a sincere letter. Apologize profusely, acknowledge that your sister-in-law violated their clearly stated boundaries and endangered her own child through her actions. Emphasize that she’s no longer welcome in your home and will never step foot on their property again. Don’t make excuses for her. Make it crystal clear you understand the gravity of what happened.

Importantly, inform them that your sister-in-law will not be pursuing legal action (make sure this is true—talk to her or have your husband do it). If she’s already retained a lawyer, your neighbors need to know immediately so they can protect themselves.

Then give them space. They trusted you, and that trust was shattered. They may never fully restore the friendship, and you need to accept that possibility. But over time, if you prove yourself to be responsible neighbors who respect boundaries, they may soften.

Rural communities have long memories, but they also value accountability. You showed accountability by immediately removing the threat from your home. That matters. Focus on being the kind of neighbors they hoped you’d be, and let time do its work.

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My boyfriend and I like to garden but don’t have our own space. Last year, a friend introduced us to someone that has a large fenced in garden but doesn’t have the time to garden it. Let’s call him “Alexander Ranaldson Macdonnel of Glengarry.” Well, “Alex” was really happy we wanted to garden there and last year went well. The agreement was we could garden, and he would maintain the infrastructure. He fixed the fence and did other things he said he would do for the most part. We grew 117 lbs of winter squash, lots of flour corn, potatoes and other things on this 2000 square foot garden. We remediated his depleted soil, gave him some vegetables and he bragged about us to his friends. I think he liked having us there for ideological reasons — like supporting small farmers and a more just food system, even though we’re just gardeners (not farmers) and we only really grow for ourselves and friends. The praise always seemed kind of misplaced but I guess it was flattering.

This year, everything was looking amazing, but while we were gone for a week, he left the gate open, and the deer came in and ate everything to the ground. We were devastated. We had repeatedly told him the importance of keeping the gate closed since he had left it open before, although previously resulting in minor damage because it was over the winter and we only had cover crop planted. Then, some vines pulled the fence down, plus a tree fell on it. We cut the tree up and did temporary fixes to the fence even though it’s not our responsibility, but asked him repeatedly to fix it himself. He did not, and everything left that had started to recover (which is to say not much) was completely annihilated. Hundreds of dollars, hundreds of hours of labor (after our full time jobs), much of our food for the year and a rare sweet potato variety we can’t buy anymore down the drain, because this dude couldn’t keep the gate shut, and didn’t do the things he said he would do.

My boyfriend went over there to clean up a few things, and Alex came over to talk to him. The gist of it was that my boyfriend said we’re not going to garden here anymore, and Alex, surprised, literally said “welcome to farming” and said that “farming” is all about setbacks. He did not at all realize that it was his fault, and basically said that we were too fragile and too new to “farming” to be able to weather a setback. He has always been pretty arrogant, but nice enough and relatively reasonable, so we were pretty shocked he said these things. I am the angriest I have been in years. Not only did he totally screw us, but this rich land-owning jerk also insults us to our face. I would like to emphasize that this guy is not, nor has ever been, a farmer. Considering his dubious suggestions and the results from a soil test, I question his reputed success as a gardener.

Obviously, we are ending this relationship, but my question is: Do I text him and try and make him understand that he screwed us and that it’s his fault? Do I try and make him feel bad? My boyfriend thinks there’s no point and we should just walk away, but I want to write something along the lines of “We won’t be gardening there because you can’t maintain the fence or shut the gate. Thanks for the opportunity, but we just ask that if you have someone garden there in the future, you understand the importance of closing the gate and maintaining the infrastructure so that future gardeners can avoid an incredible waste of time, resources and food.”

—Back from the Land

Dear Back from the Land,

As a hobbyist gardener myself, I understand the frustration of finding your much-loved garden eaten to the ground. You lost hundreds of hours and a season’s worth of food because a wealthy hobbyist couldn’t close a gate, then had the audacity to lecture you about resilience. He got to cosplay as a food justice hero while you did the actual work, and now he’s reframed his negligence as your inexperience. You’re entitled to your rage.

What do you think will happen if you tell off the rich, entitled Glengarry? Do you think he’ll learn from the error of his ways? Probably not. Do you think he’ll ever realize it was his fault all along? I doubt it. If it makes you feel better, write out what you’d say to him and then set it aside.

But he’s already shown you who he is—someone who destroys your work through carelessness then blames you for not being tough enough. Ugh. And you learned it was never really your garden. You knew Glengarry was unreliable at best.

Take a deep breath and listen to your boyfriend. Your energy is better spent finding a new garden space, owned by someone more reliable and who holds similar land management views. Or, try exploring community garden plots with actual accountability structures.

This guy wasted enough of your time. Don’t let him waste more by living rent-free in your head.

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