I Was Really Into the Guy I’m Seeing. Then I Saw What Was on His Walls

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have been going out with a guy for about a month now. He’s great, and I thought this might actually be going somewhere. Then I went over to his place for the first time. His entire house is decorated with, for lack of a better term, “art” featuring women’s pussies. He claims he finds them beautiful to look at. Is this within the bounds of normalcy, or is it a red flag?

“Normalcy?” I mean, I’ve never been to a house wallpapered in vulvas before, and it seems like you haven’t either. I don’t believe that most of us have. I would say this is unusual but not necessarily a dealbreaker. I’m not so quick to judge because I’ve seen what gay men put on their walls and it can sometimes be very penis-forward. I mean, The Birdcage has an extended bit about how the central couple loves to dress their home in dick. I know the power dynamic is at least a bit different when we’re talking about men who are into men versus men who are into women, but I don’t really get creeped out by erotic art on queer men’s walls. I just figure they really like dick and almost always it checks out. And when people like dick, they tend to be really into pleasing it.

Regarding your guy, in the worst case scenario, his decor could signal an objectification/fetishization of a single part that will leave the rest of the person it’s attached to ignored. Perhaps for him, the hole trumps the whole. That can be fine if you’re into it, but most people like to be appreciated for more than just their genitals.

On the other hand, maybe he’s a kind, compassionate person who truly loves women and especially their vulvas. If he’s that into pussy, he might be really good with it. Maybe his oral/fingering skills are exceptional and/or he’s great at intercourse. Have you noticed anything along these lines in the month you’ve been seeing him?

Another potential option is that this is merely an aesthetic thing for him that has little bearing on his regard for actual bodies. Then you could just chalk it up to a quirk. You say he’s great, but is spending time with him at his house worth being surrounded by depictions of genitalia? Let the answer to that question guide how (and whether) you spend your time with him.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been invited to the wedding of a good friend’s sister. The trouble is that some people think my husband is something of a sex pest, and I’m worried he may do something offensive. Should I leave him at home, or just bring him and hope he behaves himself?

Dear Roll the Dice,

You are oddly detached from this potential problem. Some people think your husband is something of a sex pest? Well, what do you think? Do you see where they’re coming from? Have they cited the evidence that prompted them to draw this conclusion and do you doubt it? Has your husband done anything sex pest-y with you? Even if not, you should hear people out—numbers behind allegations like these usually only strengthen the case.

Unless these people are totally off the mark and you know that verifiably, I think you should err on the side of caution and consider leaving him at home. Your husband represents you, at least to a degree, and if you bring him into social situations where he is offending people, harassing them, or worse, you are complicit.

There was once a recurring character in my life who was such a bad drunk that I was embarrassed for him practically every time I saw him. He was mean and insulted many of our mutual friends, as well as me. He brought the entire mood down and created scenes. Even when he wasn’t hostile, he was unpleasant. He was a friend of a few friends and I never understood why everyone thought it was appropriate to bring him around. They knew what he was capable of, they watched it happen, and yet they were OK with it. I don’t blame them for his mess, but I do blame them for exposing people to someone who they knew would create a bad time. I’ve never held it against them because I know friendship can be complicated and maybe they’re just all optimists and were hoping that he would refrain from getting drunk or, failing that, behave himself, but I do think that everyone who introduced him to people were at least a little ridiculous for doing so.

In other words, you can’t control your husband, but you can control when you bring him around. You being worried that he might do something offensive suggests that you suspect there is something to the scuttlebutt on his behavior. Leave him home and tell him why you’re doing it. Maybe he’ll reconsider and act accordingly. If not, suggest he pursue therapy.

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Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my wife for four years now and our sex was great in the beginning. It’s gotten boring since then. My wife doesn’t like any form of foreplay: No kissing, no fingering, no touching her breasts, no toys, and she also doesn’t like oral—receiving or giving. We have spoken about bringing someone else into our bedroom but I have trust issues with our business being open to gossip. We have had a threesome before and we have gone to a nude resort, so she is somewhat adventurous, but it seems like she doesn’t enjoy sex as much as I do. She complains that I want sex too much, but I think if I were having passionate sex with her, I would not want sex as much.

I love my wife and I don’t want this to cause mistrust in our relationship if we bring someone else to give me the pleasure that I seek. We are both in our early 50s. What can I do?

Dear Sex Without Passion,

Did something change between when sex was great and what it’s become? Was your wife previously more open to foreplay or the other activities you point out are lacking? Or maybe sex was simply more exciting back in the beginning because it was new, and the new relationship euphoria overshadowed the actual nuts and bolts of it? Probing for these answers may give you some clarity for help moving forward.

If it is newness that you seek, certainly bringing in another partner can scratch that itch. It is true that people talk and there is certainly the possibility that someone will share sensitive information about you with others after being exposed to it. You also rightly point out that adding a third could also cause trust issues. None of this will be clear, though, until it actually happens.

However, you’re in a rut and you have a pretty good plan for getting yourself out of it. Disappointing as it may be, your wife is under no obligation to participate in any of the sex acts you desire. You could talk to her about what she finds unappealing about them, but the end result of that conversation might very well be her maintaining all of her nos.

Getting someone else in bed who is interested in foreplay, oral, toys, etc., could be a way of getting to experience what your wife refuses to do while keeping the relationship intact. It’s a risk, but given the stasis of your situation, I think it’s worth taking. You can talk to your potential third ahead of time and request discretion (or try to set it up for when you’re traveling or far from your place of business to reduce the risk of word getting out). You can talk to your wife about your triggers for trust issues as well as hers. Neither of these are guaranteed to banish all problems that might arise, but a lot of times, those problems are solved with open communication after (for example, revisiting what went wrong with the situation to know what to avoid going forward). Might as well get ahead of it now.

More Advice From Slate

I enjoy my husband and love him with everything I am. He’s kind, gentle, and a great father to my kids and our kids. The problem I’m having is I’ve never really enjoyed sex. I can’t feel anything internally except pain, my vagina always “snaps back” to the point of feeling like I’m losing my virginity again, and the only way to reach an orgasm is to play with my clit but even that is frustrating. I always feel guilty for faking it and for being able to enjoy sex. What do I do?