My Daughter Is Beginning to Notice Her Father’s “Oddities.” I Don’t Know How to Explain It to Her.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

How does one talk to an 8-year-old about a parent’s mental illness? My daughter’s father has some diagnosed mental health issues (and some that are not and probably never will be diagnosed). In terms of behavior, this looks like mood swings, shopping sprees, a lot of very elaborate plans that don’t come to fruition, periods of inertia, struggling with basic upkeep in the home, and anger (never directed at her).

Officially, we have 50/50 custody, although in reality, I do most of the parenting. Still, she does spend a fair amount of time with him and has told me that she wants to, although she wishes she were better provided for when she’s at his house. She’s old enough to clock some of his behaviors as “unfair” or just odd. I have talked to her about ADHD, which is one of his diagnoses. But I struggle to explain some of the more challenging behaviors without either excusing them or (at the other extreme) throwing him under the bus. My own therapist tells me it is very important to name these things for children so that they don’t feel like a dark secret. But what’s the best way to do this?

(Please: No custody advice. Trust that our current arrangement was arrived at under the guidance of multiple professionals, and that, while not ideal, is the best we can do.)

I would first ask the therapist who told you to “name these things” for some guidance on how best to do that. They’ll be a better source of advice on this matter than an advice columnist. But since you’ve asked, I’ll take a crack at it.

My instinct is that an effort to keep your child’s father’s behavior from becoming “a dark secret”—either something she perceives as a dark secret you’re keeping from her or a dark secret she is being obliged to keep (that her father is “odd”)—would not involve diagnoses at all. As a former child who was solemnly informed at the age of 7 that her mother was suffering from severe “depression” (which was supposed to explain what might otherwise have been considered odd behavior: days on end closed off in the bedroom; when present, exhibiting behavior that was alarming and disturbing to a child; being unable or unavailable to perform basic caretaking tasks), I can tell you that the naming of what was happening did not help me cope with it. Also, it was still a dark secret. I don’t know whether I was told to keep my mother’s “clinical depression”—as I recall the wording of it—a secret, or if I inferred that from the way this diagnosis was conveyed to me, but it was clear I wasn’t to talk about it with anyone but my father. (And even then, only in a narrowly constricted way, within the limits he imposed.)

It should not surprise you then to hear that I think it’s possible to talk to your child about mental illness without invoking any of her father’s diagnoses, and in a way that also touches upon all the undiagnosed issues your daughter’s father is struggling with, which consequently have no names for you to offer her.

So how do you approach the subject with her? I’d say, first, only in the moment, when she talks about a specific concern (“Daddy got so angry at his next-door neighbor! He just started yelling at him for no reason!” or, “Daddy spent the whole day just lying on the couch and he hardly even talked to me”) or asks a question (“Why is Daddy’s house so dirty?”). At her age, affirming her sense that something strange has happened, along with an acknowledgment that you’ve noticed this strange thing sometimes too, and a little nudge toward getting her to talk about how she feels about that particular strangeness (“I’ve seen Daddy get mad at what seems like nothing much too, and sometimes that can feel a little scary, can’t it?”) may be sufficient. I’d also make sure to note that you don’t know why he got so angry (or was so listless, or hasn’t been keeping house, etc.)—which is, of course, true.

I think what’s important here is to be sure she knows that her concern, worry, confusion, distress, and so on are understandable, and that it’s OK to talk about them. As she gets older, she will have more questions, and they may be more probing. You’ll want to have established that she can come to you to ask—or tell—you anything, and that you’ll listen without judgment (for her or her father), and without either minimizing her feelings or overreacting to what she reports.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex-husband and I have a 9-year-old son, “Leo,” whom we share 50/50 custody of. Recently, my ex bought Leo a couple of zebra finches. What has me furious is that he allowed our son to name one of them “Shithead.” Apparently, Leo chose the name because the bird has a patch of white feathers on its head that make it look like another bird crapped on it, and he thought it was funny. I think this is completely inappropriate. My ex says I don’t get to decide what our son names a pet that doesn’t live in my house. How can I get my former husband to understand that people will be offended by this and get him to make Leo choose another name?

You can’t. He’s right. You don’t get a vote on this. What you do get to do is make it clear to your 9-year-old that “shithead” is not a word (even when it’s his pet’s name) that he can utter in most circumstances (and particularly when he’s with you, if it offends you). He’ll find out quickly himself—the old, excellent Natural Consequences rule—that if he invokes his bird’s name in school (for instance), he’ll get in trouble. You would be wise to warn him about this.

As to “people” being offended: If there are specific people you’re concerned about (your parents, perhaps? His friends’ parents?), tell Leo that. Tell him why. Talk about why some words are inappropriate in some settings. But telling your ex to “make” Leo choose another name is a non-starter. (Also: If you think his dad encouraged him to choose this name just to get under your skin—and I’m thinking this might be the case, given your reaction—the less you react to it, the more likely it is that this sort of thing won’t happen again.)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Our son, “Dennis,” who is a month away from turning 5, has instigated four incidents in as many weeks at his preschool/day care. He’s been at this same location with many of the same kids and even the same teachers since he was a baby, so even though the preschool element is new as of this past June, it’s not a brand-new situation.

Twice, he’s hit another child over the head with a toy (causing bleeding both times), one incident featured scratching, and now he’s punched a child in the face. After every incident, we’ve spoken with him about better ways to handle anger (using his words, walking away, speaking with a teacher) and we’ve imposed escalating penalties each time (no TV, no candy, and so on; this time, we’re pulling him out of his out-of-school activities, which he loves, for the week—next time, depending on severity, we may consider cancelling his birthday party). But even though he’s repentant and upset, it keeps happening!

One thing that could be a factor here is that I got unexpectedly pregnant over the summer, and while Dennis is mostly excited about the prospect of having a new baby in the house, I’m sure it’s causing him some anxiety as well (he’s vocalized as much, and he started occasionally wetting the bed after the news, which he hadn’t done at all before this). But since he’s known about the baby for months, and this violent behavior is recent, I’m not sure how closely they’re linked.

We love his care center/school, and whenever something like this happens, they pull him aside, speak with him, and impose some light (and appropriate) punishment, like a time-out. As I write this, we’ll be speaking with his preschool teacher today, by coincidence—it’s a regularly scheduled parent-teacher conference—and we will certainly talk about this. But we feel completely blindsided by what’s going on (he’s never been violent before) and could use some help. Is this normal behavior? If it’s connected to the expected arrival of a new baby in January, how can we figure that out? And the million-dollar question: No matter the cause, how can we address it?

—Mother of the Menace

Dear Mother of the Menace,

I think it would help if you didn’t make jokes—even to an advice columnist, as you choose a “fun” pseudonym for your son—about your child being a menace. It’s not cute. If your son is lashing out this dramatically (punching another child in the face?), he is in pain. Punishing him will not lessen his pain. It will make (I’m pretty sure it has made) matters worse. If he is worried about being cast aside or replaced, or about there not being enough attention or love to go around (not that he’d be able to put those fears into words), then the kinds of punishments you describe only serve to solidify those fears: It becomes a vicious cycle.

I am also pretty sure that the impending baby is indeed the inciting incident behind all these “incidents” at school. That he’s known about your pregnancy for months does not undermine this theory. It tells you only that it has taken him some time to process the information you gave him early in the pregnancy. (He did show signs of distress before now! Bedwetting is not trivial. It is, however, rarely intentional. His body was responding to the news.)

In any case, since then, you have no doubt begun preparation for the baby’s arrival—making changes at home and perhaps hauling out some of his own baby things from storage and/or buying new ones. I assume, too, that you talk about the baby, both to your son and to your spouse (in your child’s earshot). Perhaps you are also beginning to show? So the reality is dawning on him.

Since by the time you read this advice, you will have had that meeting with Dennis’s teacher, I can only hope that you’ve already gotten some good advice that you have begun to put to use. But if his teacher didn’t suggest that you lead with love—reassurance, an openness to address his worries and all his questions about what the future will look like, attentiveness to his needs—I’m here to say that you must do that. Conversations with him about safe and healthy ways to express anger, while essential for all children, will not help your child with his anger or any of the other “bad feelings” he’s having. Conversations that give him the chance to express his feelings to you will. If another violent outburst occurs, get professional help with this. A good therapist who specializes in treating young children will help him sort out what he’s feeling, and a few sessions of family therapy (some therapists are trained in both areas) will help you help him, and also help prepare you for handling Dennis’s adjustment after the baby is on the scene.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m rooting for you all (new baby included).

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