My Husband Is About to Marry Our Girlfriend for Tax Reasons. The Kids Are Confused.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I live as part of a throuple with my husband, “Kevin” (43), and our girlfriend “Monica,” (37). Between us, we have three children, ages 8, 6, and 2. We’ve done a lot of math with an accountant and determined that it would be best for the household finances if Kevin divorced me and married Monica (with a bunch of other paperwork filed to make sure we stick as a group when it comes to parental authority, medical proxies, power of attorney, etc.). We wouldn’t actually be living any differently day-to-day. This is basically a matter of how we file taxes.
That’s all well and good, and we’re going to have a small ceremony with some close family and friends about it. Not a grand wedding or anything, just a brief meeting with a justice of the peace and then a meal together at a restaurant we like.
I don’t know what to say to our children. It came up in one of the discussions, and we were all a bit awkward about explaining this to them. Especially since the reason for this is how to arrange our taxes, not anything romantic or familial. To be honest, “Clark,” our oldest, already has some trouble with having three parents, and we’ve always assured them that the three of us are a unit, with no divisions between us. Can you offer any advice here?
If this divorce and marriage is only a matter of finances, there’s no need to involve your children at all. You can explain to them why you’re making these moves if they bring it up again, but if not, I wouldn’t say another word to them about it—and I wouldn’t involve them in the wedding or post-ceremony lunch. This is just a mundane aspect of the relationship the three of you have built that has no bearing on the children, so just leave them out of it. If you feel strongly that you want to have your kids at the ceremony and at lunch, then use the latter as a celebration of your triad. Give speeches where you talk about the family that you’ve built and what it means to the three of you to have each other (and your kids.) It may be good for your children to see other members of your village outwardly supporting your unique tribe.
There aren’t many children’s books that cover polyamory in detail, but How Many Grownups Do You Have explores various types of families, including those with more than two parents in the home. You’ll likely be dealing with questions from your kids about the makeup of your home for years to come, and that’s OK. If they aren’t in community with other folks living under similar circumstances, it’s only natural that they will be curious about you and your other partners’ choices. Be patient with them and hold space for their feelings if they complain about being judged by peers. You’ve chosen a way of life that most people don’t quite understand, so be sensitive to how that may impact your children. Constantly reassure them that your family is grounded in love, respect, and understanding, even when the world outside can feel otherwise.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I know Christmas is still a ways off, but I’m already having an issue with my sister “Carol,” her 8-year-old son “Eric,” and her 7-year-old daughter “Jolie.”
Carol raised her kids not to believe in Santa Claus. I have a 4-year-old son, “Zander,” whom my husband and I have told that Santa is real.
Whenever Zander brings up Santa, Eric and Jolie tell him there’s no such thing as Santa. Zander is now very confused and has been asking my husband and me whether Santa is real or if we “lied” to him. When I asked Carol to tell her kids to just play along with the Santa story, she responded that she “isn’t going to encourage living in a fantasy world.”
My sister and I grew up believing in Santa until we were around 7 or so, and I have wonderful memories of it and would like the same for my son; I don’t think there’s anything harmful about it. How can I get my niece and nephew on board with helping make Christmas a little more magical for my son, even if it does involve a little white lie?
Dear Dealing with Grinches,
I went through this with my daughter (a Santa believer) and my nephew (a Santa denier). As much as kids love to lie, for some reason, they have a hard time doing it when it’s for a good cause! You can kindly ask your niece and nephew to refrain from telling your son that Santa isn’t real—you don’t need them to tell him that he is real, you just need them to avoid the topic with her to the best of her ability. Acknowledge that we generally encourage them to tell the truth, but that there are rare occasions where we deviate from that and this is one of them. Tell them this means a lot to their cousin and that you would really appreciate them keeping their mouths shut.
If they say something again, or if your son brings up their disbelief to you, explain to him that some people simply don’t have the magic of Santa in their hearts. Let him know it doesn’t matter what his cousins believe because he knows that Santa is real and that he brings him presents each Christmas. I’ll be honest with you, it’s difficult to keep a kid from learning the truth about Santa and the only way to do it is to just tell bold-faced lies. If you’re like me, you’ll agree that the lies are worth the excitement your little one gets from thinking a jolly man from the North Pole came down a chimney that you don’t have and delivered the gifts you spent your hard-earned money on.
More Parenting Advice From Slate
To start, I am as child-free as they come, but I have a terrific 9-year-old niece. My sister-in-law has introduced an Elf on the Shelf and my niece has taken to sending me photos of where she finds it each morning. I HATE the idea of these toys. I still remember the day I learned about Santa. It shattered my trust in my mother.