I Was Staunchly Against This Present for My Kid. My In-Laws Bought It for Him Anyway.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have been in an ongoing argument since our son “Nate” turned 12 last month. Over the summer, my in-laws took Nate to a paintball course (without telling us until after the fact), and ever since, he has been begging for his own paintball gun and to be allowed to play. My husband was on the fence, while I was staunchly opposed for all the reasons you can imagine. Well, what did my in-laws buy him for his birthday? A paintball gun. WITHOUT clearing it with my husband and me.
I waited until after the party was over to take the paintball gun away from Nate. Now my son hates me, my in-laws are saying I “ruined” their gift by “coddling” him, and my husband is trying to convince me to let Nate keep the paintball gun. He says we can keep it in storage and only allow him to use it when we take him to the local paintball course. I don’t want a gun of any kind in my home! Please tell me I’m not being unreasonable.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, it’s incredibly important for parents of boys to discourage them from becoming fixated on guns. “No guns in the house” is an entirely fair, common-sense rule in a country that can’t go a day without a mass shooting.
I do think you should decide whether you want Nate to go paintballing at all, as allowing him to go to the local course regularly may send a mixed message about whether or not it’s okay to play with toy guns. Is this something he can do on occasion, or would you rather he never did it at all? Either way, stick to your metaphorical guns on refusing to keep a toy gun in your home. Let your husband and your in-laws know that this is non-negotiable for you, and that you do not intend to raise a child who takes gun play lightly. Your son has likely been having mass shooter drills as long as he’s been in school; talk to him about why you’re taking this stance, allow him to express his discontent, but stand firm. Politicians won’t take action to keep our kids safe from guns, but the least we can do as parents is to resist the culture that teaches kids to idolize them.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter, “Jade.” We share custody, trading off every other week. Jade absolutely cannot stand her stepmother “Janet” (and in fairness, neither can I).
Well, last week after Jade returned to me, my ex and Janet’s place was filled with a terrible odor that they could not find the source of. When I questioned Jade about it, she finally admitted that she had hidden some shrimp in various locations around their house. She said she did it because she had overheard her dad and Janet making jokes about how I had supposedly slept with every man in town (no small irony considering that it was my ex’s cheating that caused me to end the marriage).
My ex and Janet are furious and are demanding that Jade be grounded and have her phone taken away for the next three months. Jade says she doesn’t want to go back to their place anymore. I’m torn as to whether I should punish my daughter, considering the motivation for her actions. But more importantly, I am uncertain whether to take up her request to stay with me full-time in family court. Is she at an age now where she should be able to decide where she lives?
Jade should be allowed to weigh in on where she lives, but ultimately, that decision will have to be made either by you and her dad or by the court. What she did was wrong, but it is understandable why she would be upset with her dad and Janet; they should never have been talking badly about you if there were a chance she would overhear.
It would be fair for you to decide on an appropriate punishment for your home, if you see fit to punish her at all, without agreeing to let her go three months without a phone. If this incident is any indication of how Jade is made to feel at her father’s house on a regular basis, and if her views on Janet are based on her stepmother’s treatment of her (and not resentment over the divorce), it would be fair of you to bring up her concerns in family court and propose an arrangement that is more favorable for her.
An equitable division of time between Mom and Dad’s house is usually considered ideal. However, if your daughter is being mistreated or otherwise made to feel unwelcome or unloved, you should advocate for her. I’m assuming that things are contentious between you and your ex, but you should still talk to him about how his and Janet’s comments made Jade feel and ask them to apologize to her. This is particularly important if it’s going to be a while before you can bring this matter up before a court. Document this and any other occasions during which your ex and/or Janet has said inappropriate things around her or otherwise treated her poorly.
In the meantime, let Jade know that you’re sorry she’s having a difficult time at her dad’s house and that you will do what you can to make her living arrangements more tenable.
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My 9-year-old son is “one of the best behaved” kids in class, never gets in trouble at school, does all his homework and schoolwork, and practices his instrument (though with some prodding). Sounds like a great kid, huh? So why do I feel like he’s being a jerk when he seems to be so uncooperative at home? He won’t help around the house and finds excuses to not do what we (husband and I) ask him to do (“I’ll do it later,” “in a minute,” “after I do this”) ALL. THE. TIME. I’m finding it personally offensive because I feel like he doesn’t care about the family unit. Are we being too strict, or is he an early sociopath?