My Husband Has “Perfected” His Specific Sex Routine. Great, I Hate It.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a heterosexual woman, in my early 30s, and am happily married and monogamous with my similarly-aged husband of 10 years. In terms of a life partner, I hit the jackpot: He is truly my best friend. We both feel our marriage (though not perfect) is all around an “A-plus.” For me, though, there is one area that’s a solid “B”: our sex life. And it’s because of a very specific pattern.
During penis-in-vagina sex, he usually comes within less than 30 seconds of penetration. This has been the case since our very first hookup. When he came so quickly the first time, I was surprised, but he was a “PIV virgin,” so I didn’t catastrophize. I assumed that with time and desensitization, he would last longer in bed.
Well, he hasn’t. Ten years later, he still comes within just a few thrusts, and that’s when sex ends. It happens in every position, though he does last five to 10 minutes with a blow job. Thankfully, he’s great about bringing me to climax before PIV with oral (he’s amazing at it) or touching, and he seems very satisfied with the order of things, but the abrupt end leaves me feeling physically restless since penetration is what feels best to me. I know I’m only one to two minutes away from climaxing with him.
While we have great communication about our needs in every other area of the relationship, talking about sex has retained a certain awkwardness for us both. I’ve tried indirect approaches like, “You feel so amazing inside me, I really want to try to come with you inside me,” or “I could do this all night with you,” but I realize it’s unfair for him to read my mind. I’ve tried edging him, but he just comes as soon as I start moving again. Also worth saying, I’m in the medical field and can attest he has not/does not have any physical/mental health conditions to cause premature ejaculation.
I am worried that telling him my desire directly or suggesting workarounds like pacing, the squeeze method, or toys to help me “finish up” too would be totally devastating and communicate that I’m disappointed in him. We’re also quite vanilla, and I would bet money that he’ll balk and find these suggestions awkward or emasculating. The last thing I want is to ruin his enjoyment of sex with performance anxiety. I love my husband, our sex is “good-enough” for me if nothing changes, and I’m not asking to be jack-hammered for 30 minutes—I’d just love to get a couple more minutes out of the most pleasurable part of our intimacy without wounding his ego or inducing performance anxiety. What can I say or do?
—Left on the EdgeDear Left on Edge,
I’m going to push back on the idea that since you’re in the medical field, you’re well-positioned to say that your husband has no physical or mental health conditions that might be at play here. You know that specializations exist for a reason. The human body and mind are so complex and nuanced that no single person can know everything about even one section of it, much less all the aspects that could relate to premature ejaculation. You and your husband will both be better served if you can put aside any feelings of responsibility to handle everything medically related. If your husband is on board with attempting to last longer, and the usual quick fixes don’t do the trick, you’d do well to consult with one or more of the various experts who focus on this issue, such as a urologist or a sex therapist specializing in premature ejaculation—if only to get an outside opinion and avoid an unnecessary dynamic where you’re wife, partner, and caretaker.
It sounds like you were your husband’s first and only penetrative partner. Which would mean you’re the only person who could possibly give him direct feedback, and, so, of course, he’s seeming very satisfied with the sex the two of you have. Unless he’s had exposure to pornography and believed it was a documentary (which is something we fight so hard against), he has no way of knowing that a few pumps isn’t enough—you’ve given him no reason to suspect otherwise.
You might wound your husband’s ego by making it clear to him that there’s something you’re missing. There’s no way to guarantee that it won’t happen. You can set yourself up for success by going slowly (but directly) and taking things in small chunks. Start by coming clean about the fact that you’ve been trying to warm up to letting him know you’d like more penetration. Let that statement sink in, give him time to process it, and allow him to respond before you consider diving into problem-solving mode. When you do get into possible solutions, make that a collaboration.
Speaking of problem-solving, I’d like to throw another suggestion onto your list of possibilities. Often, a second round of sex fairly shortly after the first orgasm lasts much longer. That’s where I’d start.
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