I Somehow Ended Up in Bed With Two of My Guy Friends. Then Things Took an Unexpected Turn.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

A few months ago, I went to the funeral of a close friend with two mutual friends, both men. The wake was very boozy, and we ended up at one friend’s apartment for another drink and then somehow had a threesome afterward.

We’ve known each other for a long time and never even flirted before this. I’d thought they were both straight, but there was touching and kissing in every combination that night, even if technically they only fucked me. We were all wasted and grieving, and it was a bad idea, but it was also very hot. The next day, they both checked in on me, asked me if I was OK or needed the morning-after pill, and then we all had walks of shame at 30 years old. I took it to mean that even though it was hot in the moment, it was a mutual drunk grief comfort soothing thing, and no one was interested in anything else.

But things have been very weird ever since. They’re both suddenly in my life a lot more often than they used to be. They both text very often, invite me to stuff more often, and want to hang out more. It doesn’t seem outright romantic or sexual, just intense? And while I’m trying to put everything back into the friendship box, this experience showed me that I‘m attracted to both of them, and I love threesomes. But they now don’t talk to each other, or go to things the other one is invited to. It’s this big, weird, unspoken thing. I know the only way to figure this out is to talk about it, but I have no clue how. Or if I should, since I don’t know what outcome I’d be looking for. Do I need to let this go, or is it worth having some kind of messy conversation with them?

As much as it’s lovely to imagine that you can let this go and have the whole set of relationships return to how they were before, that’s extremely unlikely. If you want to stay friends with these men, as opposed to becoming people who see each other at social gatherings and perform a version of emotional intimacy, your best move is to discuss what happened before a new norm crystallizes.

I’d start with each of them separately. Keep the focus on what they experienced and how they feel about that night. Leave the fact that the two of them no longer interact out of it, unless the person you’re talking to broaches the subject. The exact tone, language, and setting will vary depending on the person and how you usually relate to them. Generally, though, you’ll want a comfortable amount of privacy and a low chance of interruption. Convey that the night of the funeral was pretty intense for you, in complicated ways, and that you want to know how they’re feeling about what happened. If one or both of them want to make any sort of decision during this initial talk, repeat what you’ve said here—you don’t know how you want to move forward.

Be prepared for the possibility that both of them have no interest in romance or further sex, and are overcompensating by reaching out to you so much because they’re hoping to prevent you from feeling used or objectified.

If one or both is trying to develop a long-term relationship with you, question how much of this is related to the mourning you’re all going through. Do the same in the event that both of the guys want to form a triangle. If those desires are largely grief-driven, you still might pursue the relationship, but it’ll be best to do so with your eyes open and everyone on the same page.

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Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I’ve always been obsessed with how sexy she looks, and for the past couple of years, I’ve found myself fantasizing about watching her with another man. About a year ago, during foreplay in bed, I mentioned it to her as a sort of joke fantasy, and to my surprise, she also got really turned on by it.

Now, almost every time we have sex, we fantasize about her flirting with a hot guy at a bar and them having sex in front of me. It always guarantees a huge orgasm for both of us. I’m curious about taking it to the next stage, but also hesitant and nervous. My wife seems like maybe she would be open to it, too, although it is still just in the realm of fantasy. Otherwise, our marriage and family life are great. What do you advise our next steps be?

Dear a Curious Couple,

We’ve had a couple of letters recently from men who were in your position, took the leap, and now have regrets. We’ve also heard from plenty of people over the years who have a lush and fulfilling life that involves consistent cuckolding, voyeurism, or one of many options on the swinging scale.

Jesse Bering’s book Perv, describes the ways that arousal can repress disgust during sex, and articulates the phenomenon where that disgust comes flooding in directly after orgasm. When you and your wife have had your huge orgasms, imagine yourselves at the same post-coital point in the fantasy. Do your best to avoid actively eroticising it, and aim for more of a mental rehearsal. Build out the image, individually or together, and spend some time dwelling on the details that might be a turn-off. Make note of your feelings. When you’re finished, look for emotions and responses that point to areas where you can set up mitigation strategies. And, of course, if either of you reacts negatively and wants to leave this fantasy in the realm of imagination, listen to that.

When it comes to enacting the fantasy, go slowly and keep in mind that things might be harder to set up than you’d like. There’s absolutely a chance that the first bar the two of you go to will contain the exact right guy, who will be completely up for this adventure. That chance is very small. It’s much more likely that you and your wife will have to go to a few bars on a few different nights, and that she’ll flirt with several men before you find someone who finds both her and the whole situation appealing. There are a couple of upsides to taking the slow route, whether that’s your choice or due to happenstance. The longer and more drawn out the process is, the more small opportunities the two of you have to eroticise and enjoy—think, “OK, so the guy turned out to be monogamous and married, but did you see the way he was looking at you before you went over to him?” Additionally, the more chances you have to feel slightly in over your heads and correct the course.

Do have some kind of agreed-upon signal to let each other know that you want to bail, and keep that signal clear and concise. Pay attention to each other’s body language throughout, as well. Use condoms, and keep the lights on bright enough that your wife would be able to spot any visual signs of ill health. Remember that your third is a person—treat them with the same amount of respect you’d treat any other human. And enjoy.

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Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and have lived together for the past few months. I feel like our sex life has decreased ever since we moved in together, which is not what I expected. Usually, he doesn’t initiate unless over a week has gone by with no action. Ideally, for me, we’d be doing it maybe like three times a week, so I feel like something is missing.

I also recently found out he’s been looking up other attractive women’s social media profiles. I asked him to stop, and he agreed that he would, saying it’s a “hard habit to break” and he doesn’t know why he was even still doing that since we’re in a monogamous relationship. I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s not as physically attracted to me as I am to him, which kills my confidence. I feel like I need to be with someone who pursues me regularly in that way, but at the same time, I’m not ready to break up with him because our relationship is good in a lot of ways. I’ve explained to him that I would like more sex and also that I don’t like to be the initiator, but things haven’t changed. Where do I go from here?

Dear Insecure and Deprived,

For you, monogamy extends to where a person points their gaze. That’s not uncommon, but it’s important to look for partners who share a similar vision for reasonable expectations. The way you describe the interaction leaves me unclear on whether your boyfriend is volunteering that looking at social media is out of bounds, or if you’re adding that part. If he’s wholeheartedly on the same page as you, that’s wonderful. If not, consider whether the two of you can work out a compromise that satisfies you both—this is one of those Big Important Issues for sustainable relationships.

Meanwhile, you’re describing your confidence as predicated on the appreciation and desire of another person. This is, again, not uncommon, but it’s pretty precarious. Working on this could shift your “need to be with someone who pursues you regularly” into something less ego-affecting or an entirely different stance. Yes, for some people, taking a passive role in initiation is part of how their sexuality manifests, but your letter as a whole leads me to suspect that your desire to be pursued is more to do with basing your security on whether someone wants you. Even if you have some combination of responsive desire, submissive leanings, and this centering of worth on the desire of another, the latter is worth changing. No matter how aesthetically attractive you are, you will never be to everyone’s taste. Some people are not swayed by physical appearance whatsoever. Even with access to healthy living, high-tech skincare, and cosmetic procedures, aging eventually affects us all.

Start building confidence and self-esteem that comes from the parts of you that will develop and grow stronger with time. Generate your sense of confidence from your own feelings about who you are and what you do in the world. It’s sturdier, which is the most important part, but it also tends to be more attractive to others. Additionally, physical attraction is usually a response to a combination of visual and tactile appeal, along with scent, emotional involvement, and mannerisms. I hear that it feels like a simple situation where your dude is looking at other women, so he must not be into you, but the reality is often more complex.

One thing that’s conspicuously missing from your letter is any indication of what your boyfriend’s baseline desire for sexual interaction is. Is he generally happy with twice a month? Is he really busy with work, or deriving most of his intimacy and connection with you from non-sexual interactions? Get some information about that. Large gaps in desire for frequency of sex are manageable, but they usually take a lot of effort to navigate, and you’ll want to include that in your evaluation of whether to continue the relationship.

More Advice From Slate

I worked as a bikini barista for two years and it made me feel repulsed by sex. At first, the money was good and in some ways, it felt empowering, like making lemonade out of lemons where the lemons are a society that disproportionately sexualizes women. I worked close to the highway near a truck stop and about one in 10 customers behaved inappropriately, but when you serve hundreds of customers a day, it adds up.