I Caught My Wife Draining Our Savings Account. What She Did With the Money Makes Me Sick.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

After noticing withdrawals of several hundred dollars from our savings accounts multiple times a month, I learned that my wife has been doing something so shocking that it could end our marriage.

She has been seeing a sex worker. She says that I am “too vanilla” in bed and this is the only way she can satisfy herself and her kinks (it turns out she is into BDSM). I feel completely humiliated. Should I end the marriage, or attempt at some sort of reconciliation?

—Normal Isn’t Good Enough

Dear Normal Isn’t Good Enough,

This is not a simple yes/no scenario. Your wife lied by omission and cheated, and all you have to show for it is an indictment of your particular way of having sex. If you imagined never being able to trust her again after that, it would be completely understandable. The story, as you portray it, has no mutually satisfying conclusion. You caught her and instead of contrition, she gave you a critique. It is disappointing, disturbing even, that instead of talking to you about exploring kink with her, she judged you as too vanilla and went around your back to find relief.

At minimum you need to figure out what this means for your sex life. Could she incorporate you into her BDSM interests? Are you even interested in participating in them? Could she be satisfied with having vanilla sex with you and kinky sex with others? Are you interested in exploring non-monogamy? If she never wants to have sex with you again, is there enough of a connection/bond to keep you in the relationship? A conversation with her is essential but you also have a lot to figure out on your own. If she didn’t show remorse, that’s a big red flag, but either way, she may be open to negotiation. Decide if you are as well.

More Advice From Slate

I’m a woman in my mid-20s who’s had a pretty high number of sexual partners, and I have never orgasmed with any of them. Not from oral, fingering, or PIV. But when I’m by myself, I can orgasm manually or with toys in a matter of minutes every time. So, in looking for solutions, I’ve been reading a lot about a vertical clitoris hood piercing. Apparently, it can help! What do you think?