My Wife Always Says the Same Thing After We Have Sex. But Her Actions Don’t Match Up.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

Sex with my wife seems so fraught these days. There’s so much baggage.

It has to be scheduled. OK, fine. I came on to her last night, but she said, “No, wait until tomorrow when it’s scheduled.” Then, when the scheduled time arrived, she said she couldn’t do it because she had a work call. She also said she doesn’t want to do it, but she will do it later to make me happy. That (not enthusiastically consenting sex) doesn’t make me happy.

She also wants me to read a book she got me on sex. The book is neither great nor terrible. So I’m going to force myself to finish it. Actually, I would prefer to read the book rather than have sex with an unwilling partner. When we do have sex, we both enjoy it. The act itself and the emotional connection, which lasts longer. Afterward, she’s always like, “We should do this more often. It’s good for our relationship.” And I agree.

She also only wants to do it in bed. We have a whole house to play in! We could be doing it on gym equipment, the stairs, outside in our secluded yard, in the kitchen, or in the guest bedroom, etc. I’m a little frustrated with the rigidity. Any suggestions, beyond reading the damn book?

I’m extremely curious about this book on sex that your wife gave you. Which book is it? What does it say about sex? Why might she have wanted you to read it? If you don’t have any sense of what your wife was hoping you’d get out of the book, are you able to ask her about it with a tone of genuine curiosity? My thinking here is that she almost certainly was trying to communicate with you through this book, and that knowing what she wants you to learn will motivate you to continue reading.

Here are a couple of sample questions: “What should I be focusing on as I read this?” and “Was there anything in particular that made this book seem useful?” In the event that your wife was trying to communicate something very specific, starting a conversation might lead to a discussion of the issue that is productive enough to exempt you from needing to read the thing, too. Crucial for success, though, will be adopting a posture of open listening and resisting any urge to defend your prowess, litigate, or remind her of your own frustrations. Focus on getting the information that will likely help you solve this situation.

I’m also curious why your wife prefers the bed and only the bed. Every location you listed, aside from the guest bedroom, is physically demanding. Yes, pornography is often filmed in these types of places. The people who perform in studio-produced pornography are often quite young and have a professional interest in maintaining peak physical function—specifically, flexibility, endurance, and strength. And that still doesn’t make sex on hard and awkward surfaces exactly comfortable. So your wife might just not be up for that kind of physical strain. There might be other reasons why your wife has the preferences she does. Much like with the book, ask her. It’s probably best to make this a separate talk, though, for the sake of time management and preservation of nerves.

And now we’ve come to enthusiastic consent. Why do you need enthusiastic consent? What does this do for you? Are you envisioning what the BDSM community would call praise or verbal worship? If so, you’ll want to consider how to broach that kink with your wife. Is it about fearing that having sex when there’s anything other than enthusiastic consent is sexual assault or rape? In that case, let’s talk about basic rules versus nuance.

Enthusiastic consent is the equivalent of “use a condom,” which is to say things we tell people—usually minors and young adults—who aren’t yet able to handle complexity. If you and your wife are both grown people, and you can both be trusted to understand your own feelings and motivations and make complex choices, some other kinds of consent are likely valid.

Do a little check first. Is anyone drunk or high when these conversations are happening? Does anyone have a fever or other ailment that might interfere with mental faculties? Does your relationship involve shouting or guilt-tripping, which might set up the conditions for coercion? If the answers are all no, ask your wife to tell you more about how her statement that she’d have sex with you to make you happy sits next to her post-coital statements about wanting to have sex more often because it’s good for your relationship. Listen carefully to what she’s saying, and ask for clarification and reflect back what you think you understand for confirmation. It’s possible that your wife is expressing that she’s not aroused but open to having sex because of your enjoyment, or is otherwise open to having sex because of what it does for your intimacy and closeness. Again, barring elements of coercion, that’s a choice she is within her rights to make. But you’ll want to be standing on the firm ground of having had a real discussion about it, rather than acting on assumptions.

More Advice From Slate

I love my husband. We’ve been together for 14 years. The issue is before we were together, I had an avid sex life. He has never really cared about sex. We haven’t had any in five years (he has a bad back and no sex drive). I’ve tried talking to him; we’ve tried therapy. No changes. Last year, I started sleeping with someone else. It’s amazing. Husband has no clue. My issue is that I don’t feel guilty…