Help! My Mother-in-Law Painted Us an Anniversary “Portrait.” What the…?
Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.
My mother-in-law “Pam” fancies herself a talented painter. She isn’t. Like, Not At All.
That didn’t stop her from giving me and my husband a butt-ugly portrait of us for our anniversary last month that makes us look like something out of an acid trip. If that weren’t bad enough, she insisted on hanging it up in our family room right after she presented it to us. My husband now expects us to live with it, since Pam comes over regularly to visit our 4-year-old, citing that it would be too much trouble to take it down when she leaves and put it back up before she comes back over. The thing is a fucking eyesore and I want it gone! Can I just tell Pam what I think of it already?
—It Would Make a Fine Dartboard
Jenée Desmond-Harris: It might actually be a crime in some jurisdictions to hang something up on someone else’s wall. If not, it should be. That’s shocking behavior!
Lizzie O’Leary: Ugh, I mean, I think every person has had to deal with some kind of unwanted gift (usually of the handmade variety), but dear lord, PUTTING IT UP ON SOMEONE’S WALL takes this to another level! Oh how I wish your husband had backed you up in the beginning with some little white lie about how “oh it looks better over here” blah blah. Because she’s his mother, she should have been his responsibility. But he chickened out. Jenée, as you know, I pretty much always advocate talking things out. But even I struggle with how to do that in this case. I see three routes here: Husband has a convo about how it doesn’t work with the room’s vibe or whatever (this is a lie and the MIL will know); take it down and put it up only when she’s visiting; or … uh … maybe stick it in the kid’s room? Is that deranged?
Jenée: Yeah, the letter writer cannot tell Pam how much the portrait sucks, unfortunately. I can’t endorse that. I think there are two possible plans: the brave and totally justifiable plan and the avoidant passive-aggressive plan.
Brave plan: Move it to a hallway or some weird corner. Tell your husband you’ll deal with the fallout. If MIL complains, say “It wasn’t what I had in mind for the family room so I moved it.” The end. If she throws a fit, say “Yeah, I know you were hoping to see it hanging there. I wish you would have asked if that would work for us before you got attached to the idea. We really appreciate that you thought enough of us to paint the portrait and that makes it really special but like most people, we like to be the ones who decide on our home decor and where it goes.”
Avoidant plan: Go buy a few cheap throw pillows or a new lampshade, maybe move a chair, and get a new mirror or piece of art. Then announce that you redecorated and a lot of things have moved around and the painting has a very special new home (in a part of the house you don’t care about).
Lizzie: LMAO I am chuckling alone at the avoidant plan. I think this also depends on the husband a bit. Maybe I am reading too much into this but it seems like he just doesn’t feel like dealing or rocking the boat at all. I guess that’s why I want him to initiate the conversation with his mother, but maybe I am a shit-stirrer (I am). But I guess if he is not going to participate, I like the brave plan. But! You have to know that you’re not going to break and blurt out “because it’s ugly, Pam!” Which is the kind of thing I might do, thereby causing even more drama. You didn’t like my “make your 4-year-old have it in their room” plan?
Jenée: Okay that’s actually good. Because who could argue that their grandchild’s room isn’t a place of honor?
And yeah, you’re right that the husband is a problem. If he’s acting like this, I can’t imagine this is the only way in which his prioritizing his mother’s wishes is interfering with the couple’s life. I already know there are some holiday stories to tell …
Lizzie: We can’t fix all their problems today, sadly. I think either avoidant, brave ,or letting your kid take the fall are all workable options! Hopefully she will not give them another painting anytime soon!
Jenée: I mean, I’m sure she has plans for even more inappropriate stuff, like to go in and rip up the carpet while they’re at work as a surprise. Which is another argument for the husband growing up and telling her no.