Help! My Future In-Laws Have an Aggravating Holiday Tradition—And This Year They Want to Include Me. No Thanks.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
My fiancé’s family has an aggravating annual tradition. His parents included their new son-in-law when their daughter got married. And since this is the first holiday since my fiancé and I got engaged, I know they’re planning to include me.
Every year, they take a portrait together and mail it out as their holiday card. They have already commented on needing a bigger lens to fit everyone in this year. However, I have no interest in being in their picture this year or any year. They sign the card “The Smiths,” but I have no plans to change my name and don’t feel this last name would be mine. I plan to decline to be in the photo since I have always looked forward to having my own family and sending our own pictures to family and friends. How can I gently say to my husband’s family, “Time to cut the umbilical cord” and let your children start their own holiday family traditions? The thought of the upcoming family photo is making me sick and filling me with anger.
It used to be said that when certain hunter-gatherer tribes were first exposed to photography, they believed that if a picture was taken of them, it would steal their soul. You’re probably aware, however, that a photograph of you with your future in-laws will not forever capture your image and make it impossible for you to send a photograph of yourself for your own holiday card. Speaking of which, your fiance’s family is going to conclude that you’re quite the card when you tell them you’re not going to be in their picture, you will never consider yourself to be part of the “Smith” family, and that you believe your future mother- and father-in-law are infantilizing their grown children. Everyone will be filled with seasonal joy that you’ll be around for the holidays for the rest of their lives. There are two approaches you could take here. One would be to vent the rage you are feeling over your fiance’s family wanting to include you in their tradition. That might solve everyone’s long-term problem by making you a short-timer. (However, if your fiance hasn’t figured out by now that you have some issues, he must have issues of his own.) Or you could spend some time figuring out why a gracious and inclusive gesture from your in-laws-to-be makes you act like a petulant baby and work on growing up yourself.
From: Picture This! (Nov. 19, 2009).
Recently my mother, who was my best friend, passed away suddenly at a fairly young age. A few weeks later, my fiance abandoned me a month prior to our wedding because he couldn’t handle my grief. He belittled my mother’s death, called my father a drama queen for his despair, and accused me of not paying attention to his needs. During the final stages, he depicted me as irrational and needy to our mutual friends. By looking through his e-mails, I have discovered some things about him that I have kept silent about. Most important was my discovery of a sex-doll perversion. He is part of a group that learns how to make dolls at home. (There are also videos of men doing questionable deeds with Barbies.) In addition, he communicated with escort services and through online personal ads for bondage enthusiasts. My problem is that in my anger about his behavior and timing, I feel a strong compulsion to send this information to almost everyone in his contact list. Could you please talk me out of it, since I would very much like justice to be served?
You were just rescued from a future in which you come home to find your husband violating your daughter’s American Girl doll collection! Stop being angry and start being grateful. Consider that in the great cosmic scheme of things, this was your mother’s final gift to you. Her loss made it possible for you to find out what a thoroughgoing creep you almost ended up with. Don’t worry about what your friends might think. If they took the side of a man who said he dumped his fiancee a month before the wedding because her grief over her mother’s unexpected death was bumming him out, then you need a new group of friends. You don’t want to wallow in his gutter by sending out a mass e-mail telling them that if he ever gives a homemade doll to any of their children, they should make sure to wipe it down with Germ-X first. Stop looking for retribution, and sing “Hallelujah” that you made it out before you set up a new household with him, only to find out he preferred playing house.
From: He’s Not Doll. (Sept. 24, 2009).
I enjoy a great relationship with my mother-in-law and, thinking we had every reason to trust her, my husband and I shared some personal and sensitive health-related issues with her. Due to the sensitive nature of what we shared, we requested that the information remain confidential. Nearly a year later I have discovered that she has shared these details with at least a dozen people, some that I don’t even know. Because she was out of town at the time of this discovery, my husband, in fear that she would share this information with those she was visiting, sent a respectful but firm text message reminding her of our request for privacy. Her response was completely juvenile and absurd. We would like to further clarify that our privacy is important, but her response is leaving me feeling like we’ve done something wrong. Should we pursue this?
She violated your trust, got caught, and now she’s acting out. Of course a text message is not an ideal way to deal with this, but I understand your desire to make sure she didn’t go blabbing to a new set of people. You’ve asked her not to talk about your health matters, and there’s nothing more you can do right now. But when she returns, your husband has to sit down with her and say that she may have talked to friends out of concern and anxiety, but that you two won’t be able to have confidential conversations with her in the future if she doesn’t understand that private information has to stay private.
From: Leave the Kids at Home. (July 15, 2013).
I just found out that my ex-boyfriend is running for state legislature. I have potentially damaging information about him that he told me himself while we were dating and was not ashamed for others to know. I believe voters need to hear.