My In-Laws Have a Mean-Spirited Habit When It Comes to My Husband. I Want to Give Them a Piece of My Mind.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Almost two years ago, my husband and I had our first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and a traumatic birth, followed by a surprise spine surgery for my partner, and—just six months later—a broken leg for me. We live across the country from our in-laws, so their support is limited. However, my husband is deeply hurt by how little effort his dad and stepmom make for us, especially for him, compared to what they do for his three siblings and four stepsiblings. Granted, most of them live nearby, but three live overseas and still receive far more visits and support than we do.

Normally, I’d be glad not to have overbearing in-laws, but I feel for my partner and our daughter—I always hoped she’d know her grandparents and have a relationship with them. We try to initiate and support a relationship (sending pictures, inviting them to her birthday party, and so on) to no avail. They always have an excuse not to visit, usually involving other family members or their own busy social calendars.

Some of the things they’ve done that have really hurt include not meeting our daughter until she was six months old, even after we’d asked them to visit when I broke my leg. They mail us terrible gifts once or twice a year—the same ones they give to all the other kids and grandkids—which only display how little they know us or understand our values. They never call or text first. And probably most hurtful of all, they exclude my husband from family functions.

Lately, I’ve noticed he is being completely left out. For example, his dad recently planned a family trip to Europe but didn’t invite him (his siblings were invited). He is the youngest, and there is some residual pain from a childhood in which he often felt uncared for, so it is not only painful but also triggering to be left out as an adult. While I appreciate healthy confrontation, my husband avoids conflict. I want to call them and tell them how we feel, but my partner doesn’t want me to do this, and I want to respect his boundaries with regard to his family. Still, it’s not only about him anymore; it’s about our daughter, too. How do I support my husband, encourage my daughter’s grandparents to do better (or at least be less obvious about favoring their other kids and grandkids), and deal—if at all—with my in-laws?

I strongly suggest you stay out of it. You can support your husband by letting him vent to you, by listening compassionately (and not adding fuel to his distress by piling on to it), and by encouraging him gently to express his hurt and anger to you, friends, or a therapist if he can’t or won’t talk to his parents directly. There is history here that long predates you, and it is between him and his parents. You can be compassionate, sympathize, and even be angry on his behalf without stepping into the fray between parents and child.

Also, I’m afraid you can’t get your in-laws to “do better.” And it would seem that they don’t care about being obvious about favoring your siblings-in-law and their children, so I don’t see how asking them not to will get you anywhere. I know you’re disappointed (heartbroken? Furious?) that they’re not much interested in your child. I sympathize with that as someone who had a set of grandparents who couldn’t have cared less about me, and then in-laws who visited only twice during my daughter’s entire childhood—it feels awful. But you can’t force grandparents to be good grandparents, you can’t force love, and sometimes you have to give up on something you once wished for. Since you rarely see your daughter’s aloof grandparents, I would urge you to let this go. They are who they are. Your child won’t miss what she never had.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 3 ½-year-old daughter, “Carla,” has been in a very strong “daddy phase” for the past year. At first, she was rejecting only me (her mom), but now she’s rejecting her grandparents, too.

When they visit (and they don’t live nearby, so it’s not like they get to see her every day), she’s mean to them: She pushes and pinches them, and repeatedly says things like, “Go away, Granny,” and, “I’m not talking to you—only Daddy.” They don’t take it very well and are quite hurt by this. We have tried telling Carla to be gentle and to be kind, we’ve tried removing her from the situation—literally carrying her out of the room—and we’ve tried scolding her, but nothing seems to work. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this?

—When Will This End?

First: I can‘t tell you when it will end, only that it will. Small children are weird creatures; they have their phases. They pass. But not on the grownups’ schedule; only on their own. Making a fuss over whatever weird stage they’re in is more likely to prolong than shorten it.

Sure, if she pinches Granny, tell her not to (calmly). Remind her to use her words. (But then don’t punish her when she does!) Three and a half may be a little young for her to make the distinction between gently and kindly expressing how she feels and being “mean,” so although it’s worth a try (“If you don’t want Granny to hug you, let’s think about how you can tell her that without hurting her feelings”—then brainstorming some nice-ish ways she can send that message), the odds are not in your favor.

A much more useful way to “deal with this” is for you to talk to her grandparents, reminding them that she’s only 3, she doesn’t mean to hurt them, and this very common phase will pass. You can even point out that they’re not the only ones she’s temporarily opposed to—that she’s been rejecting you, too. Then pass along some of the lessons I’m sure you’ve learned: not to take it personally, not to put the emotional burden on her (don’t say, for example, “Oh, you’re hurting my feelings!”), and being patient.

If one of your concerns is that they will (or already do) blame you and/or Carla’s father for her “bad behavior”—well, you’re going to have to let that go. If they blame you, they blame you. You know it’s not your fault, right?

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Dear Care and Feeding,

“Beth” and I are next-door neighbors and got pregnant at the same time. We always said it was fate that our daughters would be best friends. The problem is that Beth’s daughter, “Zoe,” has grown up to be a very shy and antisocial kid, while my daughter, “Anabel,” is the polar opposite.

The girls are fine when it’s just the two of them, but Zoe gets bossy and demanding of Anabel’s attentions when other children are around. It has caused problems in their afterschool activities, where the girls had to be separated because Zoe would not leave Anabel alone. I tried to talk to Beth about this, but she insists that it’s not a problem, that Zoe is just my daughter’s best friend. But Anabel doesn’t feel the same way; she’s told me that she doesn’t want to hang out with Zoe anymore.

The girls start middle school next year, and I know Zoe is not going to make the transition very well. Zoe has no friends other than my daughter and her cousins. How do I talk to Beth about this?

I don’t think talking to Beth is the way to go. She knows that Zoe has no other friends besides her cousins, and she has already dismissed your complaint about Zoe’s behavior toward your daughter when other children are present. The only thing left to tell her is that your child no longer wants to be friends with hers. But that is not your message to give, nor hers to receive.

What’s going on between the two girls is their problem to solve. If your child is telling you—and not Zoe—how she feels about her, the best thing you can do for Anabel is help her find ways to deal with this, not to try to deal with it for her. I understand that you want to spare your child the pain of breaking off this friendship herself, but even if I didn’t think it was a bad idea for you to do that for her, I’m unsure what you’re hoping to accomplish if you deliver the message on her behalf. (Is it your hope that Zoe’s mother will forbid her to approach Anabel? That outcome, which seems unlikely to me anyway, would almost certainly backfire.)

Has Anabel asked you to solve this problem for her? I suspect not. But even if she has, the way forward is to encourage her to talk the situation through fully with you—how she feels, how she used to feel, how she thinks Zoe feels, and how she imagines she will feel if her friendship with Zoe comes to an abrupt end (“I don’t want to hang out with her anymore,” said in frustration to one’s mother on a bad day, does not necessarily mean she’s through with her friend). Ask her what she wants to do about Zoe’s demands for her attention. Ask her what she thinks will happen when they start middle school. Let her lead the way.

Helping your daughter problem-solve a relationship is a great way to prepare her for future relationships. If she is being mistreated, she will need to learn how to stand up for herself. If she has outgrown this friendship, she will have to learn how to disentangle herself from it. And if she has no empathy for Zoe, who has been her good friend for some time, it would be good if you helped her develop some. I’d start with not characterizing Zoe as “antisocial,” even in the privacy of your own mind. If you feel compassion for this shy, lonely child—which, I hasten to say, does not mean forcing your daughter to continue to be her friend—you will (without even trying) model it for Anabel. And having compassion for others is one of the most important lessons you can teach her.

One last thought: If you are telling yourself that you want to talk to Beth about Zoe’s neediness and bossiness for Zoe’s sake—because you fear her mother hasn’t a clue and needs to be warned about the difficult transition to middle school—I am here to say that this definitely isn’t your job. Your unasked-for advice will not be welcome.

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