Help! My Sister Is a Public Figure. Everyone Is Asking Me About Her Obvious Decline—But No One Knows the Dark Truth.

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My estranged sister, “Taylor,” appears to be at the end of her life, in her 30s. Taylor is intense, driven, and ambitious with an eye for detail. She was a teen athlete when she developed anorexia. Now, coupled with substance abuse, it seems to be taking a toll. She was in and out of residential treatment as a teen, but when she became an adult, no one could make her go. Two years ago, I tried again to talk to her about therapy, and she cut me out. Our family was never close, but I’m the last one she cut off. I go to a support group for the families of addicts, and I’m now on a therapy waitlist.

Taylor has a job with a public face, like a local newscaster or niche influencer. She presents a pretty image to her audience and often references family in a warm way. I imagine they think we’re all close. In recent months, she’s become so visibly unwell that acquaintances have started to reach out to me about her.

In the coming months, I’ll be attending a reunion and visiting our former hometown. I’m privately grieving; I don’t need advice on that. But I don’t know what to say when classmates, acquaintances, or our childhood neighbor ask me about Taylor. It’s visible to people with internet access that she isn’t OK. Someone I barely knew even scolded me for not getting her help. Believe me, if I could, I would! It hurts, and being randomly surprised by the topic popping up is so painful. I can’t even really talk about it verbally. How do I shut this down?

I’ve never thought about how hard it must be to be estranged from someone, but have a window into their life to watch their suffering. This has to be really hard. I do want to point out that suffering—and even doing really, really poorly in terms of health—is not the same as being at death’s door. You can’t tell by looking at someone exactly how serious their condition is or how much time they have left. That said, it’s normal to be sad that Taylor is seemingly not living the life she could—and hurt that you don’t have answers for people who ask about her.

You’re obviously free to say, “That’s a sensitive family topic that I don’t like to talk about.” But I hope you feel brave enough to tell the truth instead of trying to hide it. How would it feel to reply, “I agree that she doesn’t look well. I can’t really say any more because she hasn’t wanted to speak to me in recent years. It’s a really sad situation all around.” I imagine you’d get more sympathy and support than judgment. Very likely, someone will say, “How are you coping?” and you’ll burst into tears right there. They might tell you about their own loved one who is struggling, or a fracture in their own family. You’ll feel relieved when you stop keeping the truth—which, by the way, involves nothing that should make you feel ashamed—to yourself.

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I am a cis male, gay, left-leaning liberal who secretly watches YouTube videos by trans content creators who argue very strict views on trans identity. They believe that very few people are “truly” transgender and that trans identity today has become a trend/fad, and it is setting the transgender community back.

I watch for the opportunity to get a different (controversial) perspective. And because I agree with some of their points. I feel like it should be healthy to hear from the other side on any topic, but this one is extremely controversial, and I am terrified of my trans/nonbinary/gender nonconforming friends (or my boyfriend) finding out about my YouTube viewing. I’m scared that I would be “cancelled,” and that it would be seen as a betrayal by them. Is there a middle ground on this topic?

The liberal in me says, “You’re being brainwashed by the Right,” to which I can respond, “No, you’re being brainwashed by the radical Left.” How do “liberal” people talk to their liberal friends about controversial topics like this? Is it black and white? Do I care too much about what people think? Am I wrong?

I admit I laughed out loud at the way you slipped in “and because I agree with some of their points.” Listen, you can believe, be curious about, and think it’s worth using your precious free time to watch YouTube videos about whatever you want. But when you start talking about what “should” be seen as healthy and asking about a “middle ground”—as if I’m a court-appointed friendship mediator who can decide how people feel about you—you’re wasting your time and energy.

The way to avoid working yourself up into a frenzy about who’s being brainwashed by whom is not by willing your boyfriend and friends to see things your way. It’s by surrounding yourself with people who share your values. By values, I don’t necessarily mean they have to agree with “strict views on trans identity as presented by trans content creators.” I mean, they aren’t people who would look down at you for immersing yourself in this specific corner of the internet.

Oh, and about the corner of the internet you describe as being specific … it’s really specific. It’s not as if you enjoy sports, and some of the sports personalities you listen to have views on a range of different issues that would alarm your loved ones. Or that you watch two hours of Fox News a week to make sure you understand what’s being said in that world. Instead, you have made a hobby of taking in an incredibly niche perspective and giving it a lot of thought. So the more interesting question than “Will the people I care about judge me?” (it sounds like they would!) is “What about this argument appeals to me, and does it relate to anything I judge about myself?”

I have no idea what the answers to those questions may be, but out of all the people whose opinions differ from yours, you landed on these particular creators, and that wasn’t a mistake. Try being just as curious about your beliefs and motivations as you are about your friends’ reactions to them. That will help you to explain yourself and also to decide how much any judgment you receive matters to you.

I have been with my girlfriend for five months. After I got a big raise at work, I decided to splurge and upgrade my TV and computer. I knew my girlfriend was raised by a single mom, “DeeDee,” and that money was tight with the two younger brothers. I offered them my 4-year-old computer and TV. At first, my girlfriend’s mom was overjoyed…