The Entire Family Has Officially Banned My Sister’s Stepdaughters. They Deserve It.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I love my sister, but I don’t want her stepdaughters around. They are 12 and 14 and pure mean girls. They never say anything kind or considerate. They routinely tell my sister to shut up or insult her to her face. Their dad never gets off his phone to address their behavior.

My sons are 8 and 6. These girls have openly mocked them for being fat in front of my husband and me, and then they throw fits when we don’t invite them to the museum, zoo, or movies. This summer was the last straw. The girls were down at the pool where my mother has a summer place and started oinking at other girls and making loud insults. A staff member told them to cut it out, and they took it as a challenge. They went after a girl who was physically disabled, so the girl’s brothers dumped ice water on them and picked them up and dumped them in the pool. Everyone was banned by the staff, but the girls kept lying and crying, insisting that they didn’t do anything.

My brother-in-law believed their lies despite multiple witnesses. My mother is an ever-peaceful person, and she later told my sister and her husband that their actions were vile and inexcusable, and that they were not welcome back. The rest of our family agrees. We tried to be welcoming, and this was the result. This was just the latest in a long list of incidents.

My brother-in-law refuses to parent at all, and his kids are horrid bullies as a result. He expects my sister to be the motherly doormat and always accept the emotional manipulation (my sister “hates” his kids when they insult her and treat her like a servant). My family lives closest, so we have gotten the brunt of everything. My sister is decidedly unhappy and mistreated in her marriage, but is convinced that if she tries enough, it will work out. She and her husband are fighting about the family ban, so she wants me to host Thanksgiving because that is their holiday with the girls. My husband says he would rather swallow broken glass, and I agree. Is it worth an honest conversation, or should I just lie and say we have other plans?

Dear No More Mean,

You absolutely need to have an honest conversation with your sister, but first, I do want to remind you that these are children. Children can behave badly, yes. But it means something more. And if you want to have a productive conversation with your sister, you’ll need to approach this from the root issue, which is that her stepdaughters are behaving poorly for a reason and not just out of nowhere.

I know they are 12 and 14, but this behavior has seemingly been going on for a while and seems like it might stem from some deeper issues. Their parents aren’t together, their dad—by your account—doesn’t really engage with them, and they probably know that their stepmother is frustrated with it all. So what power does a child have other than acting out?

With that being your basis for the conversation, you need to do two things when you talk to your sister: explain that you want to help her figure out this deeper issue, while also expressing that you aren’t able to invite her and her family to your home to be around your own children until things improve. You can emotionally support your sister and also not be responsible for any chaos in her home. Both can be true!

Be solutions-oriented and come to this conversation armed with resources: recommendations of therapists, family counseling centers, books, suggestions of how Dad can spend more time with his daughters, and anything else you can think of. But don’t lie. This situation won’t magically solve itself, and given your closeness with your sister, the next holiday season could be totally different if you confront it now. Good luck!

Get parenting and family advice—submit a question!

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Thanks! Your question has been submitted.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a woman in my late 50s, and I come from a big family. I spent much of my younger years hosting big dinners for Thanksgiving and Noche Buena. Now, much of that extended family has unfortunately passed away, and for one reason or another, those of us who remain can’t gather as much as we once did. So for about the past 10 years, it’s just been my immediate family, including my kids, plus my cousin, her husband, and their two kids. This has worked well for a long time. But this year, there’s an issue.

My son got engaged two years ago, and we’ve gotten closer to his fiancée’s family. They also come from a very big family—and it feels good to have that dynamic in our lives again. They’ve welcomed us completely. This Thanksgiving, I decided to extend the invitation to them, and they accepted. It’ll be about 30 or so of us in total, which is not a problem—I’ve already arranged to outsource some of the cooking, and the logistics haven’t been stressful. The problem is my cousin.

When I told her about the growing guest list, she started giving me an attitude about everything: quipping about who would cook all the food (I will cook or purchase additional already-cooked food at my expense), complaining about the start time (every year she wants to start dinner earlier and earlier), and just generally dampening the mood during our entire conversation. I get that it’s a change, but it’s one I’m entitled to make! Of course, I cherish her and our connection and don’t want to push her away, but I think there should be room for everyone—and this family is here to stay in our lives. My cousin and I were both raised in big families and always included everyone. It’s strange to see her retreating this way. I’m not sure what I should say to her, if anything at all. Help!

—There’s Room for All of Us

Dear There’s Room for All of Us,

Being part of a growing family can be so exciting! It means there’s more love to go around. But I totally understand how it might be awakening a certain fear in your cousin: that your family is going to grow so much that there won’t be space for her. Since it’s just been you two and your families for so long (out of your original extended family, that is), she’s probably gotten used to being your number one family member in a way. It’s a feeling that is not exactly the same as when a best friend or close sibling gets married, but it’s close. You can sort of feel like: Well, where do I fit in here if you have these new people who are also important to you?

I don’t think your cousin’s problem is with the bigger celebration, the timing of the dinner, the cost of the food, or any other surface-level issue. It’s what they could mean for her. So, reassure her that she is a priority and that changes in celebrations do not mean a change in your relationship.

The good thing about holidays is that they are long! Since you want to have a later dinner for the whole family, consider having an early brunch that’s more intimate. You can go out or grab catering, and it can just be the original crew.

My family on my mom’s side has switched to Thanksgiving breakfast, and it’s so fun! The cooking is easy because it’s breakfast, so we all pitch in. I also bring the apple cider mimosas and make pies using my late grandma’s sweet potato pie recipe. There also isn’t really an end time. Breakfast usually flows into dinner, and people can stay or go to other people’s houses that they need to visit. It’s really become one of my favorite holidays to spend with everyone.

So, There’s Room for All of Us, rethink your celebrations like you seem to like your family: growing, overflowing with fun and love, and full of people. And in the process, bake in some special traditions that make sense for you. Happy early Thanksgiving!

We Want to Hear Your Petty Work Drama!

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 4-year-old has a strong preference for me. I think it’s related to the fact that I’m a furloughed federal employee—I used to be gone 12 hours a day for work, but I’ve been home for a month now. My husband is very involved, and when I worked long hours, he had alone time with her before and after school, and it was great. But now she wants nothing to do with him, and only me. Food, drinks, playing, bedtime, changing clothes—you name it, only Mommy.

I feel so bad for my husband. He’s trying to put on a good face, but I’m exhausted, and he keeps making comments about feeling slighted. Last night, she woke up crying, and he went to comfort her, and she just kept crying, “No, I only love Mommy!” How do we survive this phase?

I’m so glad you know it’s only a phase—a difficult one at that! But, I think you should try to be physically away from your daughter a bit more and encourage special daddy time during those moments. For example, if you like to go for a walk or to the gym in the evenings, your husband and daughter can take that time to read a special book together—one that only the two of them share. Or maybe there’s a part of dinner she can help him prepare while you’re out.

Make whatever you decide be part of your daughter’s daily routine and try, if possible, not to break it for a while. Many kids thrive with routine in a way we don’t often give them credit for. My son is non-speaking, and I really don’t give him credit for how well he knows and appreciates the routines he has established with different people in our family. Just give it a shot and stay persistent. I’m rooting for you!

More Advice From Slate

I (34F) recently had a friend accuse me of being too strict of a parent, and even a couple weeks later, I’m still bothered by it. I have two boys, 2 and 3, and I have to keep a tight rein on the chaos for the sake of my sanity. My oldest is more reasonable and doesn’t need my eye constantly on him, but my younger one is a tornado and requires constant check-ins and reminders. If I don’t, he’s (and I wish I was joking but I’m not) swinging from the kitchen light or trying to ride the dog—and that was just this morning…