Help! My Sister Is Getting Married to Two Men at Once. My Husband’s Reaction Has Thrown Me.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
My sister, “Sally,” and I have always been close, which means I’ve had a front row seat to her formerly chaotic dating life. There was an era all of Sally’s friends called “the soap opera year” because her romantic life was unbelievable. I was so happy when she finally got into a stable, loving relationship, although I was surprised that it wasn’t a monogamous one. It’s a relationship between two guys who are also with each other. It’s unusual, but they’ve all seemed very happy for five years. Everyone treats each other with love and thoughtfulness. Last year, they bought a house, and this summer, they’re planning legal documents and a traditional but symbolic marriage ceremony. Our extended family was slightly chilly in the first year they were together, but everyone has warmed up, or so I thought.
My husband never gelled with Sally or her fiancés, but they’ve always been friendly. But when she asked if our girls (5 and 7) could be flower girls in her wedding, he instantly said no. They were at his cousin’s wedding this past summer and loved it. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said the relationship was going to fall apart, and he didn’t want our kids to be part of that. But plenty of marriages end in divorce, and we don’t skip weddings for that reason. Also, I think this one is pretty stable! When I pushed back, he claimed it’s because it’s not a real wedding and it will just confuse them. How do I talk to him about whatever’s going on here? It feels like he’s judging Sally and her fiancés for no reason. These people are my family, and I love and support them. They’re in a serious and committed relationship and planning a very PG event. My church-going grandma will be there! I don’t know how to talk to my husband about this.
—Sister of the Bride
Dear Sister of the Bride,
Who says no to their kid being a flower girl?? Come on! Your husband really wants to pass on a sweet memory and adorable pictures because this marriage, like all marriages, might fall apart?
I have several theories about his stance on this, and they all involve words ranging from “hater” and “homophobic” to “judgmental” and “jealous.” But you didn’t ask me to rate how terrible he is being (on a scale of one to 10, at least a seven) or whether I think he’s a bad spouse (there’s no way this jerk move is an isolated moment). You asked me how to talk to him about this. That obviously won’t include telling him that you think he’s being an irrational jerk.
So, instead, really try to get him to open up. Your goal should be to make him feel heard and ease any anxiety he might be experiencing about his little kids being roped into a situation that feels overwhelming, confusing, and unfamiliar to him. A good opening question might be something like, “We talked about it briefly, but I want to hear more about how you feel about Sally’s ceremony and your concern for the girls.” You might even add, “I’ve thought about what you said about the girls being confused. Do you think they might be having some kind of emotional struggle that makes it hard for them to deal with new experiences, and if it is something we should be cautious of in general?” Or, “Have Sally or her partners done or said anything inappropriate or not child-friendly?” We know the answers to these questions are no.
But my hope is that if he believes you’re taking his position really seriously, he’ll be a bit disarmed—and also be confronted with how difficult it is to explain his stance. The goal is to inspire him to go, “No no no, it’s not even that big of a deal. They can be the flower girls, I just don’t think we should tell them it’s a ‘symbolic’ wedding,” or “I’m actually fine with it, it’s just that I don’t know how to explain Sally’s relationship to my mom so let’s leave out some of the details when we talk to her.”
My final suggestion only works if caring for the kids alone would stress him out—and it’s kind of risky because if he agrees to it, you will not be happy. But you could just say, “I thought about what you said, and maybe the girls shouldn’t go to the wedding at all if we don’t want them to be confused. I’ll just attend on my own, and they can stay back with you.” Hopefully, he replies, “No, it’s not that serious! They can go!” Then you can take that opportunity to point out that throwing rose petals isn’t going to do anything to change their understanding of the institution of marriage.
Regardless of whether your daughters end up being on flower girl duty, it wouldn’t be the worst idea to give your husband a pass and let him make an excuse and stay home. I know that if I were Sally, I wouldn’t want someone with such negative thoughts about my marriage to be there, giving off bad vibes on my special day.
Get advice from Prudie—submit a question!
Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Thanks! Your question has been submitted.
Right now, I am raising two of my grandnieces, ages 10 and 12. I am on a fixed income, and even with the government benefits, I depend on extended help. I am at the end of my rope with the oldest, “Zoe.”
She would lose her head if it weren’t screwed on, as my mother would say. Zoe will lose not only school supplies but also very expensive items like water bottles, dance shoes, and winter coats. A relative gave both girls very nice water bottles as a gift. They are usually around $40 and are considered a trendy item. Zoe lost hers in a week and threw a fit that it wasn’t magically replaced, and claimed that it wasn’t fair that her sister still had hers. We tried reminders, lists, and are on the waiting list to get Zoe tested.
I can’t deal. Zoe seems unable to understand the value of her stuff with regard to how much I’ve spent, just the value to her peers. So I get a lot of flea market and thrift store finds because Zoe needs to be clothed and not freezing to death! Zoe hates it and picks fights with her sister over being the “favorite.” Her 10-year-old sister isn’t getting anything Zoe hasn’t; she just remembers to take care of her things.
The girls are doing well enough in school. My nearest relative is my second cousin, and she has a family of her own. They are available in an emergency or if I need a ride into the city, but I am struggling here. Frankly, I don’t think Zoe will suffer if she has to wear unfashionable coats or clothes if they are clean and fit her. I am just trying my best. Help!
Dear Aunt in Idaho,
Your life is not easy right now, and I understand why you would have such a strong reaction to Zoe losing valuable items while you’re so stressed about how to afford the basics for her and her sister. I don’t know if her being scatterbrained is just her personality or a reaction to whatever trauma led to her separation from her parents, or an undiagnosed issue like ADHD (which I’m glad you’re looking into). Whatever the source, I think you can agree that this kid has been through a lot, and the least stigmatizing or humiliating solution to her tendency to lose her belongings will be the best way forward.
So keep getting her the same stuff you get her sister. Within your budget, of course. What she has should reflect what you can afford (and there’s absolutely no problem with flea market and thrift store finds), not your frustration with her past mistakes. If she loses an expensive water bottle and gets a super cheap one as a replacement, that’s fair. Just make sure you explain it in a neutral way with a focus on your budget, not on her character and your frustration with her. And while it’s impossible to know what will delight or horrify a tween, there’s a way to spin hunting for treasures at a second-hand store that might actually be kind of fun. Plus, who knows, maybe she’ll do a better job of holding onto things she found herself.
I’m troubled by Zoe’s sense that her sister is the favorite. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be without her parents and to feel a sense of rejection on top of that. Even if her belief is baseless, the effect is the same. I know you’re stretched thin and don’t have a lot of extra time or energy, but please go out of your way to show her some extra love and attention and let her know that you are just as concerned about her happiness as you are about her belongings.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!
My son and his wife just had what may be their first child. I say “may” because the baby has red hair, and neither my son nor my daughter-in-law nor anyone else in the family is a redhead. I’m convinced that she slept with another man. How do I persuade him that a DNA test is in order?
—Baby Is His Maybe
Dear Baby Is His Maybe,
Do you have a really good friend who doesn’t know your son well? Someone who you can call up and really dig into this issue, sort of like the phone call version of a true crime podcast? Go over everything you’ve observed about the hair color of all family members, what you know about genetics, and all of the awful qualities that make you believe your daughter-in-law is someone who would be unfaithful to your son. Lay it all out. Explore how things might unfold if a DNA test reveals that some other man really is the biological father of your grandson. Get it all out of your system because you are absolutely not allowed to say anything to him!
Plenty of people are the only redheads in their families (you can hear from dozens of them here!)—and it has a lot to do with genetics, which is explained nicely by geneticist Dr. D Barry Starr in his column. Read through these resources, and maybe you’ll be convinced.
But just remember: You do not have access to evidence of infidelity that others don’t have. Your son has eyes and can see his son’s head. What he chooses to think about what he sees is his business. Most importantly, really take stock of whether your suspicion will make you treat the child poorly, and if you don’t think you can be loving to him, keep your distance.
Nearly 50 years ago, my older brother gave me a nickname based on a fictional pig that was relatively close to my given name. It stuck until I put my foot down (and fists up) in my teenage years, and I had hoped that it was largely forgotten. My brother died four years ago, however, and my other siblings have somehow decided to “honor his memory” by reviving what was a cruel and hurtful jibe from a not particularly pleasant person…