When I Met My Girlfriend, She Had the Best Boob Job I’d Ever Seen. What She’s Done to Them Now Has Left Me Reeling.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while now, and she’s incredible—she’s my literal dream girl. I’m attracted to her physically, mentally, and emotionally. When we first met, she already had breast implants, and immediately, I realized just how much I adored them. They never got old—with clothes, without clothes, in sexy lingerie, in an old t-shirt, it didn’t matter.
Two years later, she had them removed. I’m still madly in love with her, but I think about her old breasts every single day. I keep a strict poker face, act like I don’t miss them, and pretend like they weren’t a huge turn on for me, but it’s driving me insane. I don’t want to say anything to her because I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like she means any less to me. Am I crazy? What’s wrong with me?
Dear Missing the Twins,
Are you thinking about your girlfriend’s old breasts erotically? Or is this more of a distressing recurring thought that you don’t want? I ask because “driving me insane” can absolutely be a nonserious colloquialism, but, in case it isn’t, I don’t want to dismiss the language you’re using. If you’re genuinely worried about your mental health, go ahead and start the process of finding a therapist.
Otherwise, you like the kind of breasts your girlfriend had when she had implants. As in, you really, really, really like them. That’s pretty typical. There’s a reason so many women get them, especially those with jobs where appearance and wide-reaching attractiveness are crucial. Even people who aren’t particularly into breasts tend to find themselves enraptured by a great rack. Your appreciation is a perfectly common reaction to having experienced a sexual relationship with a woman who had incredibly nice breasts. Try not to beat yourself up too hard over it.
When you say you’re keeping a strict poker face, is that in response to discussion of or questions about your girlfriend’s breasts? If these conversations are happening privately, she may be trying to find out how you feel about the change. In that event, do use the same kind of caution you’ve used in your letter when talking to her about it. Emphasize how much you love her and her less physical qualities, and express concern that she might be hurt or feel less attractive to you. It might help, though, to be able to say out loud that the body she once had was a huge turn on.
Directing our thoughts where we want them to go is one of the most difficult things. Consistency and patience are key. Meditation practices tend to help. Mostly, you’ll want to build the habit of responding to the thought you don’t want by turning your mind toward something you do want to think about, as well as the ability to calmly repeat this process when the thought returns. You might think about your girlfriend’s smile, how she makes your heart feel, or some other particularly sexy part of her body instead. If any mental health stuff is a factor, professional support will probably be necessary. Regardless of what it takes to get there, there is almost certainly a world where you can choose to focus on what you have right now.
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Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend and I have decided we want to have sex for the first time. During the course of our conversation(s) about doing it, she said that her past boyfriend was too impatient. She mentioned that it takes a while for her to get wet and aroused, and he couldn’t penetrate her without her being very uncomfortable as he tried to. I’ve assured myself and her that we can try by utilizing lubricant and lots of oral and foreplay, and going very slowly.
The bulk of my concern comes from my “bulk.” I’m on the large end of the endowed spectrum, while my girlfriend is very thin. During one of our passionate and playful sessions, I had a hard time inserting a finger. I am very concerned that if we do somehow manage to do this, it will be a very painful and unpleasant experience for her and, quite possibly, myself.
Are we too anatomically different for this to work? If it is possible for us, would there be anything that we could try beforehand (I’m thinking exercises or stretches?) to make this experience easier and something we would want to do again?
The fact that you’re already planning to engage in plenty of foreplay, use lubricant, and go very slowly signals to me that you’re being caring and gentle—two very important factors in this kind of scenario.
The fact that inserting a single finger is difficult signals that something might be amiss. Has your girlfriend ever discussed this issue with a gynecologist? If not, and she’s open to seeing one, ask her whether there are any ways you can support her in finding a provider or going through the visit. Then follow up with actual support. You should know that while some OB-GYNS are happy to have whoever the patient wants accompanying them in the exam room, others are fairly particular about the patient being seen alone or at least being separated from their sexual partner. So, if she wants you to be there to physically hold her hand, she should ask the person scheduling the appointment whether you’re allowed in the room. The thing about exercises and stretches is that when they’re done improperly, or if they’re the wrong tactic entirely, they can make the situation worse. An exam by a qualified professional will help establish whether treatment is needed and, if so, what to try.
When physical causes have been either ruled out or addressed, set your expectations and goals for the experience very low. Framing things as “tonight is the night we DO IT to completion” is nearly guaranteed to induce anxiety in both of you, and that anxiety will almost certainly make her more tense, including in her pelvic area. Approaching penetration from a stance of “if she’s wet enough, aroused enough, and relaxed enough, let’s see how a finger goes” and then increasing to two fingers, and so on, is going to be more manageable. If two fingers are going well, work up to the number of fingers that is fairly equal to the width of the head of your penis when erect, and, finally, the tip of your penis itself. Refrain from thrusting at first. If that’s OK, try a little bit of gentle thrusting and going slightly deeper. Communicate verbally throughout, and keep an eye on her facial expression and body language. Do make sure you’re communicating about comfort levels, but also feel free—encouraged, even—to express any happiness or other enjoyment you’re feeling.
If, at any point, you’re feeling so anxious or she’s feeling so anxious, tense, or uncomfortable that either of you wants to disengage, do that. Focus on what you were able to do together during that session. If you need to make comparisons, compare what occurred to what your previous baseline with your girlfriend was, and contextualize it as how far you’ve both come.
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Dear How to Do It,
I keep walking in on my boyfriend about to start masturbating! Let me explain. My boyfriend has a habit of masturbating in private in the bathroom before he takes a shower. It isn’t every night. We live in a pretty old apartment, so our bathroom door closes but doesn’t lock (I know—annoying).
I try not to go in there often while he’s showering to respect his privacy, but sometimes when you gotta go, you gotta go. And I seem to have a sixth sense for the night he plans to masturbate, because I’ll often walk in on him sitting, phone in hand, with a guilty look on his face. We laugh about it, and I’ve told him I’ll leave him to it, but it always kills the moment for him, and he doesn’t follow through. I’ve suggested knocking, but just the act of my knowing he’s up to something seems to kill the vibe for him. What can we do?
Dear This One’s Occupied,
Can he consistently let you know he’s going for a shower—any kind of shower, including one that is purely focused on hygiene—thus giving you the opportunity to use the toilet beforehand, if needed? Unless he’s running the shower the whole time, can you pause at the door to confirm that the shower is on before you open it? Lastly, what about you knowing that your boyfriend is masturbating takes the fun out of it for him? Is there some creative way for him to get the same thrill outside of the pre-shower scenario? Hopefully, one of these ideas can do the trick.
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