Help! One Night, I Sent a Slightly Unhinged Text to My Husband’s Best Friend. He Still Hasn’t Forgiven Me.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

During a particularly horrible argument with my husband, “Bob,” I sent a mildly unhinged text to his best friend, “Kyle.”

I asked him to help my husband be kinder to me. The next day, I very sincerely apologized via text for dragging Kyle into an awkward situation, apologized directly for my part, and added some context on how I thought my marriage might be over. Thankfully, Bob and I have worked on things, and our marriage has improved a lot.

Kyle never responded to either text, has ghosted me since, and when Bob explained to him that I actually have been subjected to some of Bob’s awful behavior, Kyle didn’t believe my husband. Kyle said that I could call him up and explain myself. I don’t have any desire to defend myself to Kyle. Bob and Kyle are still very close friends; they text several times a week.

It’s been over a year, and my husband is turning 50. I gave Kyle and his wife six weeks’ notice for Bob’s surprise birthday party, sent multiple reminders, and received no response. I sent another reminder to him and his wife separately, and his wife RSVP’d no for both of them. I’m very surprised that my husband’s closest friend won’t be participating in a special moment. I still have no desire to defend myself for things I haven’t done. I understand that Bob is not being a good friend, and the situation feels really unhealthy. It also feels really weird that an adult is unwilling to have any contact with me over one lousy text message and cannot just suck it up for an hour to have a slice of cake with his BFF. What now?

I don’t think this is just about “one lousy text message.” It sounds more so that Kyle (fairly or unfairly) can’t get over the way you treated his friend during the “awful fight.” Or he (or his wife!) thought your texting him to talk about the potential end of your marriage was wildly inappropriate. Maybe he (again, or his wife) worried you might be coming onto him. Or perhaps he just found the whole exchange to be so unhinged that he’d rather keep you at arm’s length.

It’s also possible that although your marriage has improved a lot in your opinion, the version of the story that he’s getting from your husband is different. There’s a chance he finds it upsetting that you’re still together, and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.

I want to stress that I don’t know if you are the villain in your marriage, or if Bob is the villain and Kyle just happens to be on his side. But it doesn’t really matter. It’s actually perfectly healthy for Kyle to interact only with the person in your marriage who has his loyalty. It would be best for you to accept it and move on to planning a party for the many other people in your life who are looking forward to the event. I’m confident that Bob and Kyle will get together for their own celebration, which may or may not include Bob venting about his marital problems.

My husband recently took a promotion that caused him to change work locations within the same organization. About a week into his new position, he forgot to bring his lunch with him. One of the guys he eats with offered up what he had brought because he had been out in the field for the morning and had stopped to get something on the road instead. He thanked him and told him it was delicious. Apparently, that night when the co-worker went home, he told his wife how much my husband had enjoyed it…