My Wife Said the Cruelest Thing Possible to Our Young Daughter. I Can’t Un-Hear It.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife “Jamie” and I have been married for six years and have a 4-year-old daughter, “Lara.” Last weekend, Jamie had too much wine and said some horrible things to Lara.
She told our daughter that that having her “ruined her life” and “wrecked her body.” I don’t think Lara is old enough to understand what she meant, or at least I hope she isn’t. I told her Mommy wasn’t feeling well and said some things she didn’t mean. Once Jamie sobered up, I repeated to her what she had said to our daughter. While she was upset, she seemed to be more upset that she had let it slip than about the effect it might have on Lara.
Jamie doesn’t ordinarily get drunk like this, but now that I know how she really feels about Lara, I’m not sure I want to continue the marriage. Should I ask my wife to attend counseling, or is it time to look for a divorce lawyer?
Dear In Vino Veritas,
As careless and upsetting as your wife’s words were, I wouldn’t assume that something she said while upset and drunk is the sum total of “how she really feels” about your daughter. To be clear, I’m not making excuses for her—she shouldn’t have said what she did to your daughter. But whatever she feels as a parent, it’s got to be deeper and a whole lot more complicated than what came out. And I’m sure she loves your daughter, too.
You don’t seem to believe that Jamie has a drinking problem. If she has a pattern of saying such things or otherwise being cruel—or if you and she are dealing with serious marital issues above and beyond this incident—I would understand why separation would be on the table. But if this was a (very unfortunate) one-off, then I think you need to try talking with your wife about what she was thinking and feeling when she said it. You can’t approve of what she said, obviously, and you may never understand it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to understand what feelings or issues might be at the root of it.
We all have terrible parenting days. Sometimes we might feel a way about how our lives have changed since kids came along. That does not mean we don’t love or want our kids. I know you’re angry with your wife, but if I were you, I’d also really want to try to grasp what she was thinking and feeling that day. Was she having an awful day, or is there something else going on—something about parenting or something else that feels especially hard or unsustainable to her, and her frustration about that came out sideways? Does she need some kind of support she’s not currently getting? Are there any steps you could take as a couple that would help her?
Nothing can make what Jamie said to Lara okay. But depending on where it came from, there may be something you both can do to address the way she feels. You might decide that individual or couples therapy is something to try. It could also be that your marriage is unsalvageable for some reason you haven’t shared here. But I think you really need to have a better understanding of what’s going on before you start calling lawyers.
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