My Boyfriend Did Something Unhinged When I Dumped Him. My Parents Say It’s My Fault.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m 19 and in university. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, “Jason.” He’d been acting weird for a few weeks, but when I ended things, he completely flipped out.

It escalated to the point where he slipped into my family’s home, stole our cat, “Flibble,” and tried to hold him for ransom. We did get Flibble back, and Jason is now facing charges. I just want to put this all behind me.

My parents, however, are furious. They keep telling me I should “have better judgment” and promise I’m going to get an earful this Thanksgiving about “choosing appropriate partners.” I get it, this got bad. But Jason wasn’t showing signs of being unhinged when we first started dating, and I did break up with him as soon as he started acting erratically. Still, my parents chew me out every time we talk and have started calling two or three times a week specifically to lecture me.

It’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to block them or cut them out of my life, but I also don’t want to deal with this anymore. What can I do to get them to lay off?

Dear Stepped In It,

I’m sorry that your parents aren’t able to freak out about this (warranted!) while also showing you the empathy you deserve. I can’t speak to what Jason did beforehand, but the act of sneaking into your family’s home and stealing your cat was abusive, full stop. And while it certainly impacted—and targeted—your parents, you are the one who has to come to terms with being treated this way by someone you once trusted and cared for.

If you can, avoid discussing the incident with your parents until you see them in person. When you do, let them know (again) that you would have never partnered with anyone who showed the capacity for behaving like Jason did, and that you have learned some things to look for from this experience. Express your regret at the fact that he dragged them (and Flibble) into his shenanigans, and acknowledge how frightening this must have been for them. And then ask them to consider how painful this has been for you to experience this treatment at the hands of your former partner.

Remind them that many other young women might look past some of Jason’s strange behavior in the name of having a boyfriend and that it’s a good thing that you knew to break up with him as soon as you felt uncomfortable. Let them know that you are doing your best to move on and heal, and that in order for you to do so, you need this to be the last conversation between you all about this matter. Politely refuse to engage in any future discussions about what happened, unless they are related to Jason’s case. Hopefully, in time your parents will realize that you aren’t the one they should be holding accountable here.

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