My Mother-in-Law Is Always Around. What It’s Doing to My Family Is Breaking My Heart.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law has been a widow for a long time (since my husband was young). She retired right around the time we had our first child, and while she was always very independent, she’s been a lot more “needy” for lack of a better word and looking for something to fill her time since then. We live across the country from her, but she comes to stay with us whenever she can. These visits last for two-to-five weeks at a time. She’s not doing anything wrong on purpose — she’s kind, she means well, and she clearly loves being involved. But it’s starting to feel like she’s always here.

Meanwhile, my parents don’t get to see us nearly as much. Traveling is harder for them, and they can’t stay for long periods. It’s also a lot more expensive for them since they always have to get a hotel or short-term apartment rental  in our high cost-of-living city since our guest room is very small. It’s become an uneven situation where my mother-in-law is present for almost every holiday and major moment—she’ll even sometimes come to my parents’ house if we are in town and there spending time with them—and my parents are missing out on time with their grandchild. It’s really weighing on me because I feel like our child doesn’t know my family, and it’s breaking my heart.

I’ve tried bringing it up gently with my husband, but while he sees some of the things I’ve mentioned, he doesn’t fully see the imbalance the same way. He thinks it’s a no-brainer that one person would stay with us while two people can get a hotel together, or that we’d see her on a holiday even if we’re spending time with my family since she’d be alone if we didn’t, for example. I don’t want to hurt his mom, but I also want my parents to be a part of our child’s life in a meaningful way and get their own time. I’m pregnant, and she’s already mentioned how she can come out and stay to “help” and “just say the word.” Meanwhile, when our first child was born, I was sobbing in our bedroom while she was in the room next door and my own mom was down the road. Do you have any advice? I just want things to feel fair and I need my family more involved.

—Missing Out and Sad

I know you’re focused on fairness, but I’d really encourage you to put that aside and try to zoom in on what you actually want. Getting more quality time with your own parents, having your mother stay in your apartment for a bit you once you have the new baby, and getting more time in your own house with your husband and kids without your mother-in-law there all seem like doable goals to me in a way that “grandparent equity” just doesn’t.

I’m going to assume you and your parents are at capacity for the number of trips you’re taking. I think instead you should focus on quality times during those trips. Talk to your husband about how important it is for you that your parents have the ability to get to know your child and the new baby, and explain that it’s hard for that to happen if your mom is there during their visits. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t come to Thanksgiving at their house, or whatever, but maybe she just comes for the day and not the surrounding weekend. Same for when you have the baby. Tell him it’s important to you that your parents be able to stay with you a few days when you have the new baby, and ask for his help to make that happen. Maybe this means getting creative (they stay over while your husband takes your oldest to the rental for the night, your mom stays in the guest room while your dad stays in the rental) or being slightly uncomfortable (your parents in your bed, you in the guest room with the baby, your husband and oldest child in the living room). But there should be a way for you to be with your mom when you have your baby, and you and your husband can figure this out. It will also likely mean staggering your parents’ and mother-in-law’s visits. You just need to figure out what you want and ask for it.

As for the relationship between your parents and your child: Plenty of people have long-distance relationships with their grandparents. Yes, it’s different than having them around all the time, but it can still be meaningful. Have your parents read stories over video to your kids, or have them record themselves doing it. Create regular touchpoints to share photos or a quick call. For example, in our family we always have pizza on Friday, and each week, I’d send my mom a photo of my baby with the pizza. Then my mom started sending photos whenever she’d eat pizza. This is an easy, easy thing, but it’s a way to talk about her with my son regularly and really strengthens the relationship. (My mom is dead now, and we still talk about her every Pizza Friday.)

As for your mother-in-law’s visits, you and your husband need to agree on what the ideal visit length is and the ideal time between visits. Your ideal and his ideal may be different! You acn compromise, and then he can communicate with her about this. I don’t think it needs to be a terribly fraught conversation. I really think she will understand you need some space. Well, a reasonable person would. She might not be reasonable! But that will be your husband’s problem to deal with. Good luck!

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