My Husband Is a Stay-at-Home Parent. What Our Son Says He Does All Day Is a Problem.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a working mom and my husband is a stay-at-home dad with our 4- and 7-year-old boys. I work long hours so I usually get home in time for dinner and bedtime and can supervise homework occasionally. My husband was in the midst of a career change when we had kids so he’s never figured out what he wants to do, and for a variety of reasons it wouldn’t work for him to look for a job right now. We are really lucky to be able to make it on one salary. He works hard to take care of the boys and he does the majority of the cleaning and most of the cooking, plus most of the yardwork

But I had a strange encounter the other day that I’m not sure how to handle.

I was volunteering in my older son’s classroom, and another parent who was there said my son had told her that his daddy watches TV all day. I brushed it off and I really don’t care what this person thinks, but I’m concerned about the effects on our kids and how to talk to my husband.

He is very into space exploration and some of the newer technologies, so his hobby is to watch videos on YouTube about these topics. He’ll often have a video going as he cooks dinner, for instance. I already know that we probably need to work on our screen time as a family.

After confirming with my son that he did say that, I had a brief conversation with him about all of the things his dad does to take care of all of us. I know my husband gets burned out from tantrums, housework, and cooking and totally deserves breaks. But I don’t know if I should try to raise the issue about what kids will say or if he should take a break from the iPad.

—Perplexed—and On My Phone (During My Commute)

I think what’s difficult about this situation is that other people’s perception of your family is at odds with what you know about your family. You know your husband is a good dad. You know he takes care of your kids with love and attention. You know he’s doing a good job around the house. And yet you’ve been sort of put on blast by the idea that from the outside it may look like your husband is a good-for-nothing who sits around staring at screens all day, which of course reflects badly on you. That’s one layer of this problem.

The other is that your son saying, “My dad watches TV all day” may mean that he may not have a proper understanding of how the labor is divided in your home. He may think that his dad is doing nothing while you go off and do all the work. This also is a question of perception versus reality.

So, while it’s true that your family (and most families) could probably stand to cut down on screen time, it’s also true that you have a situation that is working wonderfully, and you don’t need to worry too much about what misconceptions others may temporarily have about it. You’ve done the right thing by setting the record straight with your son, but of course he’ll see the truth in the long run. And, of course, you can absolutely ignore whatever anyone else has to say about it. You are very lucky to have the family you do. It sounds like you are all doing a great job. Let your husband enjoy his videos.

From: Our Daughter’s Beloved Sitter Drank on the Job, and We’re Firing Her. (March 27th, 2019.)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 4-year-old son, Derek, has an absolute constant need for attention. He cannot go five minutes without needing attention from my husband or me. I promise you, he gets plenty—he’s home two days a week (the other three days are in day care, which he seems to really enjoy: He’s excited to go in the morning and always happy when we pick him up, so I can’t imagine that’s the cause), weekends are usually centered around family activities, we have family time every evening, we praise him often (when appropriate), but it never seems to be enough. He can’t sit and entertain himself—he is constantly asking, “Mommy/Daddy, come look at this, come watch me do this, play this with me … “

He interrupts us when we’re talking to each other or other adults, despite our constantly reminding him, Derek, I told you I’m talking to X and that I will look at your painting when I’m done, please stop asking me. If we tell him that we need to vacuum/clean/etc., and to please play with his toys (or watch TV, or whatever) until we are finished, he constantly runs up to ask if we’re done yet. The other day, two of my friends were over with their children, a girl who is three months older than Derek, and a boy who is six months younger than him. I wistfully observed how both of these kids played for a solid 25 minutes without once asking for Mommy. I almost cried in frustration every time Derek came running up for some reason or another (none of them emergencies or immediate needs). We love Derek so much, he is the light of our lives, but I can’t help feel resentful sometimes. I don’t know how to handle this and be more firm without making him feel bad. Please help!

—Can I Just Have 10 Minutes?

It can be tough for only children, because they don’t have a peer nearby to play with or share their accomplishments with. But as a parent, you need to lay down some boundaries, or you’re going to create a monster and lose your mind in the process.

Kids are resilient. They won’t curl up and die if they don’t get what they want at all times. You can say, “Sorry, Derek. I can’t play with you right now.” You don’t have to give reasons why to soothe his young ego; you can just leave it at that. He may cry and beg, but you have to be strong and ignore his wishes. Eventually, he’ll learn to become more independent, but it will never happen if you’re at his beck and call.

It’s also not at all unreasonable to tell him he’s going to have an hour of “alone playtime” in his room each day. Turn it into something fun and calming for him. What is Derek into? Dinosaurs? Sports? Art? Whatever it is, I’d ensure he has enough solo activities based on his interests—activity books, Legos, STEM apps for kids, etc. Put these options together in a bin, or in a spot in his room, and give him free rein to choose what it is that he wants to play with. Don’t budge on this. It may take him a while to get into the groove of the new routine, but I promise you that he won’t explode into a million pieces if you leave him alone.

Most importantly, you have to do this, or your mental health will be shot. How can you expect to be a good parent to Derek if you’re resentful and exhausted all of the time? The word no is the most powerful tool we have in our parenting toolboxes, and we shouldn’t be afraid to use it.

From: My Brother-in-Law Insists on Always Carrying His Gun, Even Around Kids. (Dec. 29th, 2020.)