My Boyfriend Is Married. That Wasn’t a Problem—Until I Stayed Over at His Apartment.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman in my 30s and I recently stayed at my boyfriend’s apartment and I’m feeling conflicted. Some context: He is in a happy open marriage, and they have been married for about a decade. I’ve never met his wife. They respect each other’s privacy when it comes to other partners. I’ve slept over at his place while his wife is out of town before. But this is the first time I’ve stayed at their joint home while they were both gone.
They’re currently on a trip, and I agreed to dog sit for them while they were away. I thought I was really happy with this arrangement, but seeing all the traces of their life, their pictures together, and all of her things has made me feel insecure about not getting all of him. Or rather, that she’s getting a better version of him than I am: the deep commitment, a shared life, etc. Honestly, I felt I was pretty happy with where we were before this. But seeing the evidence that our relationship isn’t really progressing on a traditional track is hard to contend with, and I’m not sure what to do with this tangle of feelings. How do I figure out what it is I want?
Before we dig in, I want to note that while asking you to dog sit would be fairly common in a kitchen-table style polyamorous arrangement (where everyone knows each other and usually has some sort of a relationship, even if that relationship isn’t romantic or sexual), it strikes me as a bit odd for an open marriage where the spouses prefer not to meet each other’s partners.
Sometimes, established couples choose and enforce a hierarchical structure where the spouses are the priority by far, to the point where secondary partners’ feelings aren’t considered as thoroughly as they deserve to be. As long as everyone involved is aware of and reasonably consenting to that structure, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. But, if commitment and sharing a life are important to someone who isn’t one of the spouses, which, it sounds like, is the case for you, then yes, the spouse truly is getting the “better version.”
Take stock of the relationship. Are you being treated like a whole person with value of your own? Is your time being respected? Is your boyfriend fully present when you’re together, and mostly keeping his dates with you? Does he engage with your emotions, thoughts, and desires for the future? Does he share profound parts of himself? Is there a fairly equitable balance between you doing the things a girlfriend might be asked to do (such as dog sitting) and him providing the support one could reasonably expect of a boyfriend?
Take stock of yourself, too. What do you want in a relationship right now? What do you want for your future? Do any of those desires feel like they’re driven by the “should” of cultural expectations? If so, think about what else might be motivating each of those desires and how heavily informed by outside pressure they are. Why did you start dating this man in the first place, and why were you open to allowing things to get fairly serious? What qualms did you initially have? Have any of them turned out to be issues?
It might be the case that you want something far more traditional and monogamous in the future, or that you want to be one half of the established couple who is the utmost priority (while hopefully being a bit more sensitive to the needs of any secondary partners). It may be that this relationship fits in your life moving forward if a few things can change. Or you might want a more decentralized structure. Once you’ve got some idea of what you need and the direction you want to go, have a talk with your boyfriend—whether that’s a renegotiation or a “thanks for the memories.”
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Dear How to Do It,
The first guy I ever became sexually involved with was 27 when I was 17. We mostly did a lot of virtual sexting and some heavy petting in person. He was careful to refuse taking things all the way until I turned 18, but when I did, he was the first person I had sex with at the time.
He was awful for many reasons, chiefly among them how emotionally hot and cold he was with me, and things fell apart as I moved away for college. I thought about him on and off for years, and always felt a bit stunted in the sex department despite diving into it so young, something I imagine largely has to do with this.
I just turned 27, and I’ve been thinking about him a lot more, namely, about how messed up it all was now that I’m at this age and realize how different we actually were at the time. As much as we both pretended I was an “old soul,” I was a kid! And now I’m an adult and see it a bit more clearly. But I can’t wrap my head around how someone would do something like this. How do I make peace with this and finally let it rest? I’d like to move on with my life without having that “first” haunt me forever.
You may never be able to wrap your head around how someone would take sexual advantage of a minor. Whether the effort to understand him is worth it or not is something I can’t know, but I’m certain that getting a sense of why you want to is worthwhile. What do you hope you’ll gain from the knowledge of how this person could sexually exploit a child? The answer should help you decide whether to keep thinking about that particular facet of what you went through or not.
As for how you make peace with it and move on, again, I can’t say for sure what that will take, and I so deeply wish I could. The path forward is different for everyone—and “everyone” in this context is a tragically large group when we’re taking sexual abuse and assault in all age groups into account. Some people heal a lot through therapy, whether that’s mostly talk therapy or more of a trauma-focused intervention. Others find satisfaction in confronting the person who harmed them. Still more go into some kind of social service or activism, working to prevent the same things from happening to others. People often find that focusing on the present gives them relief. Mostly, it seems to be a combination of approaches, which means it’s hard to know which exact tactic was helpful to what extent. When you add in the fact that every person is an individual, there’s no way to know what the most efficient route is for you. Start with what feels best and is most accessible. If you’re able to work with a therapist regularly, they can often help you evaluate and explore additional resources.
Take care of yourself. You didn’t deserve any of the harm this man caused you. You’ll always be who you are, which will always be informed in some way by your experiences—all of them, including this and including the ones that were mundane, beautiful, or otherwise positive—but you can get to a point where you no longer feel haunted.
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Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend and I enjoy sex regularly, and we are generally very compatible with our likes and dislikes. I completely enjoy and crave oral sex, particularly giving. I’ve tried several times, but she always gently pulls my head up, indicating she does not want it. What’s the best way to discuss this topic? I thought all women enjoyed this activity.
—Longing to Go Down Under
Lots of women do love oral sex, with many requiring it to be able to orgasm, but still more feel neutral about it, tolerate receiving it, or even actively dislike it. There are so many reasons for actively disliking oral, including discomfort due to not knowing how to give their partner feedback on technique; embarrassment from having been told that their vulva tastes, smells, or looks bad; having an extremely sensitive clitoris and finding direct stimulation painful; and more. Some simply don’t enjoy it and are either unmotivated to understand why or genuinely have no underlying reason. I’m glad you’re asking for tips on talking about it, because that’s the only way to find out.
With that context of the vast differences in sexual desires among women in mind, approach your girlfriend from a position of curiosity. Put aside your frustrations about not being able to give your girlfriend oral, and focus on gathering information. Your exact phrasing should be tailored to how the two of you most successfully discuss sex. If you’re best with a direct approach, go for it. If she needs a warm-up, proceed accordingly. When it’s the right time, ask your question—is your perception that she doesn’t want to receive oral sex accurate? Listen and ask follow-up questions. If there are barriers to her enjoyment that can be addressed, ask whether she wants to work through them. If she simply doesn’t enjoy it or is not interested in changing her experience, accept that. You’ve got this.
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