Help! I Know My Son and Daughter-in-Law Are in the Throes of Wedding Planning. But What They Did on Thanksgiving Was Seriously Unhinged.

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My son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law are engaged and are currently planning their wedding. They graciously agreed to host Thanksgiving this year for the first time, something that I and many others in our large family were very excited about. They told everyone that they would be providing all of the food, but that if anyone wanted to bring drinks, that would be welcome. A lot of us offered to bring additional dishes to share, but they politely insisted that we not in order to “minimize leftovers” (which I consider to be one of the charms of the holiday, but I didn’t want to press the issue).

The day of, we were shocked at what we found.

There weren’t any traditional dishes, but instead a variety of basic options, and most shockingly, it was all catered! We have a lot of family members who love to cook and were undeniably offended that they hosted a catered Thanksgiving. We were upset, but agreed not to talk to them about it until the next day so as not to ruin the evening.

While relaxing after dessert, my daughter-in-law gave us all what I can only describe as homemade comment cards and told us what their intention behind the catered dinner was. They had chosen a variety of dishes from different caterers that they were considering for their wedding, and they were asking all of us to rank the dishes from best to worst and explain why. She explained that they were feeling overwhelmed by food options for the wedding and wanted to get some additional opinions from family to help them make a decision. I filled it out obligingly, but since the day has passed, I am at odds as to how to handle this.

I think it’s somewhat gracious that they want to consider other people’s opinions as to what they will be eating at the wedding, but I don’t think this was the right time at all. My brother thinks they made the day “all about them” and wants to tell them so, and some members of the family are already telling them how upset they are and that they “ruined Thanksgiving” and are demanding apologies. I do think this is a bit extreme, but I also think they were deceptive and essentially gave everyone an assignment they didn’t ask for. Prudie, do you think what they did was completely out of line? Is this something people do that I missed the memo on? Do they owe us all an apology (most of us think they do), and if so, how can I request that while recognizing that there seems to be some positive intent here?

Jenée Desmond-Harris: I could do a 4,000-word column on the idea of being owed an apology, which is just such a pointless concept to me. What is the value of hearing, “I’m sorry,” from someone because you decided that was required? Is the real question whether the son and daughter-in-law should feel sorry? In that case, I have to offer a reminder that we can’t force people to feel things they don’t feel!

All that said, using Thanksgiving for a secret wedding caterer cook-off was absolutely nuts.

Lizzie O’Leary: Oh my God. Is eating home-cooked Thanksgiving food that important? Why would they owe you an apology for that? I mean, I agree that being surprise taste-testers is weird, but like, OK! You will have a weird story to tell your co-workers. You can shake your head at something strange that people who are in the middle of wedding planning (who are by definition nuts) did. There was food, you ate it, no one starved. Sometimes I really think people want to be mad. They probably should have given everyone a heads up, but I do not think this veers into apology territory! You can have dry turkey next year.

I do detect a small note of blame toward the future daughter-in-law and not the son, though. And I just want to make clear that whatever this couple did, they did together.

Jenée: You know, I had that impression too. I re-read the letter, and to be fair, the letter writer did use “they” except when she was talking about the things the future daughter-in-law specifically did and said.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that she should have put the focus more on her son, who is the person who knows about the importance the family places upon turkey and cranberry sauce. Just like we tell married people to take things up with their spouse instead of their in-laws, I think she should be thinking about this in terms of her relationship with her own kid.

Also, you make a good point. They got professionally prepared food instead of a turkey that someone tried and failed to keep moist!

Lizzie: Maybe I am over-analyzing here, but I feel like this is kind of looking for a fight (perhaps with a new daughter-in-law) that doesn’t need to happen. LW, I agree that this was a strange move, and that they should have prepped you in advance for it, but people do weird things all the time.

If you really must, I suppose you could say you were disappointed. But I wonder what that would achieve. It would make your son and daughter-in-law feel bad, and I don’t know what you would get out of that. I guess it depends on how close you are. If you are the kind of family that talks over every little thing on the phone three times a week, then I (grudgingly) guess you could say it. But if not, just offer to host next year and cook the things you really want. Or make a very clear plan in advance and divvy up who will cook what.

I myself enjoy a weird story to hold on to and talk about much later when everyone has more perspective.

Jenée: It was a very weird choice; the secrecy around it was unnecessary, and you didn’t like it. But nobody hurt you. Your family has the rest of the wedding planning season and the wedding itself ahead, and there are going to be many times when different people want different things.

You have to pick your battles very carefully. If you make things a big deal, you’ll be taken much less seriously if you want to push back against paying for three different dresses, being asked to care for all their pets during the honeymoon, or something else that is a hard no for you.

Lizzie: One of my cardinal rules of wedding planning is that someone always goes a little bonkers, and you can never predict who! It’s a fun surprise. I also vote for keeping your powder dry right now. You can thank us when you are asked to a rave at their house to rank DJs.

Jenée: And when they make you learn and perform a ridiculous dance at the reception, I’ll answer in advance: Yes, you’re owed an apology. But you don’t get it.