Help! My Girlfriend Just Broke Our No-Gift Rule in the Meanest Way. I’d Like to Return the Favor.

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My girlfriend and I have been together for more than 20 years and we almost never buy each other presents because we’re both opposed to needless consumerism. So, I was a little surprised when she gave me a birthday gift—a fancy nose hair trimmer—and a bit hurt by how pointed it was. With Christmas heaving into view, I am incredibly tempted to break the habit of a lifetime and return the kindness with some lovely deodorant or perhaps a cook book (she’s an awful cook and barely follows recipes).  That instinct is making me wonder about how much her gift upset me. Why does it bother me? And should I say something, perhaps repay the “kindness,” or just make like Elsa and let it go?

I think I actually understand what happened here. You two agreed that consumerism is bad, but last year she somehow stumbled upon a nosehair trimmer without spending any money (Amazon shipped it by mistake and said not to worry about returning it, or she won it in a white elephant gift exchange, or her mom inexplicably gave it to her) and she thought, “Well, everyone has a nose. Let me give this to my boyfriend since [this is the key thing] neither of us really cares about gifts anyway.”

I think she gave it to you because the baseline was no present at all, so a practical, impersonal present didn’t seem like an insult. It’s not as if you two typically make each other beautiful handmade gifts, and she gave you something thoughtless instead. This isn’t a huge problem. Unless! Unless you know something I don’t about your relationship—like, for example, she is always nitpicking your appearance and hygiene—that makes you think there was a non-festive, negative message behind the nose hair trimmer. If that’s the case, you’re better off talking about that pattern of behavior than getting back at her by wrapping up some deodorant.

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My wife and I are regulars at a local brewery. It’s a welcoming and inclusive space. The owners and all the staff are fabulous, loving people who would give you the shirt off their back. Most of the customers are great as well. It’s known as a local hang out for progressives and Democrats, hosting fundraisers and regular meetings. But, we’re in semi-rural Pennsylvania. There are idiots and bigots. Last evening, a guy came in wearing a MAGA hat strutting like a peacock. We ignored him. Everyone did. But, at this point, late 2025, continuing to ignore these blatantly racist, bigoted, misogynistic assholes doesn’t feel right. What’s a polite person to do when they’ve had enough with the openly hateful people amongst us?

I don’t want you getting into bar fights. Even if they are technically brewery fights and even if they are inspired by your legitimate anger over racism, bigotry, misogyny and the people who use their votes to support these things. I actually think the key here will be to remember what you’re really mad about. It’s not about the fact that selfish and hateful people exist. You’ve known that long before this political era. It’s that the consequences of the current administration’s policies are causing suffering for so many. A confrontation—even just a verbal one that didn’t lead to anything physical—wouldn’t help the children who are dying of hunger and preventable diseases throughout the world, the women miscarrying in ICE detention, or any of the countless others who have been harmed. It probably wouldn’t make you feel better. And it wouldn’t infuse the strutting MAGA peacock with compassion or a different approach to voting.

Don’t get me wrong: A long blink, a judgey stare, and subtle shake of your head that’s enough to convey “What a shame” are all fine. You’re allowed to use your face to show how you feel when you’re in public. And make sure you parade around in t-shirts that communicate your values. But, as much as you want to, please don’t yell “Get out of here with that crap.” I don’t think it would ultimately feel that great, it could escalate in dangerous ways, and your political nemesis might even enjoy the confrontation.

Instead, add something to your life that makes these moments more bearable and keeps you focused on what you actually care about. Consider dedicating your non-brewery free time to a structured effort (joining an organization, volunteering, protesting, etc.) working to create a world that this guy would hate—one that’s moving toward equality and justice instead of away from these things, where democracy is intact, where it’s uncontroversial to want a better life for people who aren’t white and male and straight. The catch is that your efforts will actually benefit him, too. But that, if you remember what’s at the core of your reaction to his MAGA hat—that you really want everyone in this country, even the jerks, to be —is actually a good thing.

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I was a train-hopping crust punk in my teens and 20s, and as you can imagine, my friends and I were all pretty stinky. In that community, wearing the same clothes every single day for years and never washing them is a point of pride.

In the few decades since then, most of us have settled down and lead normal lives, although a few of my old friends have maintained a more vagabond-esque lifestyle. “Warren” is one of my old friends who still considers himself a crust punk. He moved overseas many years ago, but has recently moved to my city. We reconnected, and he is still as pungent as ever. He came over to catch up, and my furniture stunk for a full 48 hours after he left.

I’m sure most people without any subculture experience won’t understand why I want to maintain a friendship with Warren, but he’s a kind, funny and interesting person, and we have a lot of shared history. I just can’t handle the filthy clothes and body odor anymore, and I don’t want to have to steam clean my furniture after every visit. How do I tell Warren it’s time to hang up the crust punk pants and take a shower, when it means compromising on his identity?

I feel like it would be hard for you to impose a huge lifestyle shift toward cleanliness on Warren. It doesn’t make sense for him to embrace hygiene in his everyday life if being dirty is still a source of pride for him. And it would be tough to ask him to change for his visits with you, too. What are you going to do, get him to agree to strip down and shower while you wash all his clothes the next time he comes to see you? Sniff him to make sure he doesn’t stink before he sits on the couch? It’s too much! Just let him be who he is, don’t invite him to sleep over, and hang out outside the house.

Or you could take the nonconfrontational route and cover your couch with one of those things meant to protect it from pets.

When I bought my car, the salesman swore up and down that he’d be fired if we gave him anything less than a 5-star review to Honda corporate. I don’t want that on my conscience, but it wasn’t 5-star service. What do I do?