Help! I Thought My Wedding Planning Was Going Great. Then a Simple Decision Revealed My Fiancé’s True Colors.

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My fiancé and I have been planning our wedding and want to keep it pretty traditional. We agree on almost everything, except when it comes to the wedding party and who’ll be in it. For context, we share a closely knit friend group consisting mostly of guys, which I don’t mind at all, but it means I don’t have my own group of girlfriends to be bridesmaids.

When discussing who we’d choose, my fiancé ‘claimed’ all of my close friends as the groomsmen and when I protested, he suggested I ask my friends from high school (who I haven’t spoken to in years) or my university friends (also all guys). I was taken aback by how unsympathetic he was, because he’s normally much more caring and considerate and this felt very out of character. It really upset me and I’ve avoided talking about it since.

As a kicker, my fiancé also has a best man lined up, but the person who I’d pick for mine is already one of the groomsmen. My position is that we either share everyone or forego the wedding party altogether, but I don’t know how to navigate such a non-traditional approach within an otherwise traditional wedding, especially in front of family members with a tendency to be judgmental. How do I untangle this mess so I can get on with the regular stress of wedding planning?

—Can We Pick and Choose?

Dear Pick and Choose,

As I’ve written many times before, the wedding planning process is a great testing ground for being married. You have to decide on shared values about how much money you’ll spend on the ceremony. The guest list is a reflection of the relationships that are most important to each of you. Everything from the menu to the favors to whether you put out a basket of flip-flops for people whose feet get sore from dancing requires alignment on the image you want to project, what you care about most, and how you want to treat your loved ones. There are tons of points of potential conflict, and many of them involve compromises that show you how you’ll handle the kinds of decisions that will come up again and again in your married life.

But I have never heard of a bride and groom battling over bridal party members.This is really not a great sign. The simple solution is right there: You can simply have a mixed-gender group of people who stand up to support both of you. The fact that you’re locked in a dispute in which you both want to put your desires above the other person’s is a concerning sign about the mindset you have going into this marriage. A life butting heads over who gets what is going to be a miserable one.

I doubt you’ll call off the marriage over this so I’ll make a ruling on the actual question, too: The person who met a friend first gets first dibs on that friend for the wedding party. Done. But unfortunately, that only covers the photos and the programs, not how you and your husband will treat each other long after all your friends have gone back to their regular lives.

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My brother is a narcissist and paranoid person who treats our mother with emotional and verbal cruelty. She is financially dependent on him and I am not in a position to assume that responsibility. Any advice?

—Casualty of Family Trauma

What would you do if your brother died? I’m guessing you would find a way to assume the responsibility for your mom, even if it meant a lifestyle downgrade for both of you. Saving her from abuse is worth it.

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I got married this year to a man who is truly my best friend, after several years of wonderful dating. However, I’m still finding that I have a hard time turning off my “single brain,” even years after being out of the dating pool. I would never cheat, but I’ve always been a naturally flirtatious, romantic daydreamer. I just love men and it’s hard to head off little crushes and attractions, even to people I absolutely wouldn’t actually be compatible with if I’m being honest. I’m comfortable with the notion that yes, it is completely natural for adults in committed relationships to have these experiences and it doesn’t invalidate their long-term relationship, but it just feels more inappropriate and guilt-inducing now that I’m actually married. Any suggestions on tamping this down? I just feel like it has the potential to hurt my marriage in the long run!

Make a set of rules for yourself that’s all about your actions, not your feelings. For example: No social media stalking crushes, no networking lunches or coffees that make you giddy, no texting or DMing with someone if typing the messages causes your heart to beat faster. Having these guardrails—or whichever guardrails you choose—in place will make it really unlikely that you engage in a physical or emotional affair that hurts your marriage. But the best part is, knowing that you’re not going to make a life-changing mistake, you can enjoy the harmless feelings you have without fretting.

Something tells me that when you decide your crushes are allowed and not taboo, they may decrease in intensity a little bit. Warning: You’re going to have to find a way to replace the thrill of crushing and flirting. It will depend on your interest and personality, but maybe something involving competition (train for a race?) or performance and attention (join an improv group?) or the sense that you’re doing something a little unsavory (legally betting on sports, with strict limits on the amount of money you’re allowed to dedicate to this?) would fill the gap. Bonus if you find something you can do with your husband. That way you’ll enjoy him in a way that doesn’t rely on activating your “single brain.”

Seriously, the diamond in my engagement ring is way too large! I know this sounds like a humblebrag or the rant of a crazy person, but it is true. My fiancé and I have been talking marriage for a couple of years, and he proposed over the holidays. I said yes of course. He didn’t have a ring and said he was going to surprise me with one. All good so far—honestly I love this guy to the moon and back so I was thrilled. Then two weeks ago he gave me the ring.