Help! My Brother Went to Prison for an Unspeakable Crime. He Might Be Released—and I Know What He’ll Ask Me to Do.

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I have a brother who is currently incarcerated for sexual abuse of a minor. He actually abused more than one, and most (that I know of) were his nieces. At that time, he was addicted to drugs and alcohol and was an all-around terrible person. During his whole life up until then, his motto was pretty much that if he wanted to do something, he was going to do it, and if he didn’t want to do something, he wasn’t going to do it. He never had any kind of self-control.

He was sentenced to 45 years in prison and will be coming up for parole in two years. At this point, I think it is actually possible that he has changed since he’s been in prison. He’s written quite a few very thoughtful articles and also had some published in the prison newspaper. I talk with him regularly on the phone, and I think he’s telling the truth when he says he’s been clean and sober for several years now.

Here’s the problem: He’s been hinting around to me that he’s hoping he can move in with me when (and if) he gets out. He mentions offhandedly that he could do my yard work, home repairs, etc. I’m not excited about that, for several reasons. For one thing, he’ll take up a lot of space, physically and emotionally, in my house. For another, I have neighbors next door and across the street who have young daughters. They’ll all receive notifications that a convicted sex offender has moved into the neighborhood.

I really do want him to have a chance at making a new life, but I also really worry about whether he’s actually developed any self-control over the past 20-something years. It seems to me that incarcerated people have every aspect of their lives under the control of the prison system, so developing any self-control may be difficult. Additionally, he doesn’t have any work skills at this point that would allow him to support himself. He does some beautiful hand-tooled leatherwork in the prison craft shop, which he sends out to sell on a craft-based platform, but that’s never going to pay his rent. Should I allow him to move in with me, with all the upsets that’s likely to bring, or should I try to find some other solution?

Dear What to Do,

Don’t do it. Your brother hasn’t even asked to move in at this point and you obviously don’t think it’s a good idea. You’re getting ahead of yourself. My role here is to quiet the voice inside of you that’s saying you can somehow fix everything for him by making yourself massively uncomfortable and ignoring your gut feeling about how poorly allowing him to live with you would go.

I’m not delusional enough to believe there’s another great solution. And I cannot promise his transition back to regular life will be easy. But there must be options. Maybe you can dedicate some time to helping him research them or covering costs that could smooth out some of the potential bumps in the road for him. Your goal should not be to take responsibility for the next stage of his life, but to assist him (if he wants) with finding an arrangement that doesn’t include someone who is already pre-upset about his presence. That’s going to be best for both of you.

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I went to Thanksgiving dinner at my ex-husband’s, along with my mother, because this was his year to have our two boys, ages 7 and 9, with him for the holiday, but we wanted to have the family together for them all the same. My mother is 70, and she carries a purse the size of a small suitcase wherever she goes. When we left, I was putting it in the trunk of my car and noticed it felt unusually heavy. I made a joke about her having enough stuff in there to survive for a month on a desert island, but didn’t think anything of it.

When we got home (my mother has mobility issues and lives with me), it was then that I discovered the reason why her purse was so heavy: She had pilfered a bottle of expensive cognac from my ex’s bar! When I confronted her, she said he had several of them and wouldn’t miss it, plus she saw nothing wrong “with a little compensation” for him breaking up the marriage. I am horrified and humiliated by my mother’s actions. My ex and I are finally on cordial terms, and I am afraid that if this comes to light, our relationship will be torpedoed. Based on that, would it be OK to look the other way in this one instance?

—Mortified by Mom’s Sticky Fingers

Your mom is out of control, but it’s fine with me if you pretend you don’t know she is a cognac thief. She has her own relationship with your ex, and I assume, if this ever comes out, he has some idea about what she’s like, given your many years of marriage, and won’t let it affect the way he interacts with you.

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My husband (of many years) and I recently returned from a very enjoyable vacation. On the return car ride, out of the blue, he made the accusation, “You just can’t help yourself, can you?” I had no idea what he was talking about.

He went on to criticize me for my behavior in one of the lovely restaurants we had visited. As we left after our meal, I briefly stopped at a nearby table to tell a woman that I had been admiring her dress and that it was beautiful. Her face lit up, and she thanked me. Her husband had a big smile, too, and he wished us a nice vacation. The whole interaction took less than 30 seconds, and I caught up with my husband to leave the restaurant. He described my behavior as intrusive and unwelcome, and said that it was embarrassing to be with me. I was stunned at his impression of the moment and said that she was clearly pleased by the compliment, to which he replied that she had no choice but to appear pleased.

I am a friendly, outgoing person in public, but am very aware of the cues people give that they do not welcome interaction, and I always respect those. My husband, though polite, is very reserved in public. I told him that we are very different in this way, and that neither of us is right or wrong, but that I am not going to change my outgoing nature simply because he is not. I confess that this incident has made me assess my willingness to travel with him. To me, part of the pleasure of traveling is the incidental connections you can have with people. Am I misunderstanding the etiquette of interacting with people in public?

Dear Friendly or Intrusive,

My generous reading of this situation is that this trip possibly involved so much closeness that your husband was just super irritated with you, and he needed a good night’s sleep in his own bed and some space. He lacked the maturity and kindness to handle that like a normal adult. So he lashed out instead, which doesn’t reflect very well on him.

If you’ve been together for many years and this is the first time your husband is lashing out at you for the crime of being outgoing, though, he may be having an affair. People tend to get super critical of their partners or spouses when they’re developing an interest in someone else—I think it helps to justify the infidelity. Take a step back, look at any other evidence, and just think about it. Hopefully I’m wrong. But whatever it is, this isn’t about your decision to be friendly to a stranger, I guarantee it. Keep being you.

My 42-year-old son has recently filed for divorce from his wife of 12 years, over her inability to have biological children. Personally, I feel that this is horrible and petty, and while I love my son, he’s not behaving well here. That is as it is, I have spent 17 years getting to know “Jasmine,” and had we met as coworkers or at the gym, I would have considered us friends, not mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. We get along well, and previously went on frequent outings together, in which we did not talk about her relationship with my son, but about everything else…