Help! I Don’t Approve of My Parents’ Lifestyle. They Don’t Want to Hear It.
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I’m struggling with something I feel guilty even saying out loud: Watching my parents age is breaking my heart. I’m incredibly lucky as my parents had me when they were young. My mom just turned 60, and my dad is right behind her. But despite their age, they seem so much older than they should be. They give everything they have to their jobs during the day, and then come home only to collapse in front of the TV, eating DoorDash night after night.
My mom still has a busy social life, but that means my dad is usually alone, scrolling on his phone, eating processed food, and barely moving from the couch. I’ve tried gently suggesting they take walks, cook at home, or make small changes, but they react as if I’m criticizing their entire existence. They don’t want to hear it, even though they have no trouble offering me unsolicited critiques of my life.
What hurts the most is a comparison I can’t stop making: At their age, my grandparents were vibrant, active, and fully engaged with life. I want that for my parents. I want them to be healthy enough to enjoy their grandkids, travel, and grow old slowly. But instead, it feels like they’re aging quickly.
I’m scared and sad. And I feel guilty for wanting more from them than they seem willing to give themselves. I don’t know how to help them without pushing them away or how to accept that I can’t make them take care of themselves. How do I cope with watching the people who raised me choose a lifestyle that shortens the time we have left together? What can I do, if anything, to help them help themselves?
Have you ever heard the idea that the qualities you find most disturbing in others may be the qualities you recognize and dislike in yourself? There have been many times in my life when it applied, and I wonder if it fits what’s happening here. Your parents sound fine. One way of looking at their lives is that they have a sad, boring lifestyle that’s aging them. Another is that they are peaceful and content. I’m sure they won’t win any awards for healthy living, but they’re scrolling their phones and watching television, not refusing all medical care and actively harming themselves.
So, that agitated feeling you get when you see how your mom and dad spend your days—could it be related to wanting more out of your own life? What if you decided not to worry about them for a few months and really turned your attention to things that make you feel vibrant, healthy, and engaged? If you were planning a big trip, committing to a yoga challenge, hosting a weekly dinner for your friends, or challenging yourself to read a book a week, you might find that the part of you that hates to see life passing anyone by is more satisfied. And when it quiets down, maybe you’d enjoy a really good show and a delicious DoorDash meal with your parents, accepting that happiness for them looks different than it does for you.
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How do I navigate a friendship group that feels polluted by a toxic ex-friend? About a year ago, I realized that this friend had been disrespectful and manipulative toward me and another one of our friends for a long time. All the while, she’s presented an increasingly performative version of herself to a friend group that I’d introduced her to.
When I communicated my feelings to her and received a “therapy speak” response with zero accountability, I cut ties. I explained this to some mutual friends, one-on-one, not to force them to “choose,” but to explain the change in dynamics. But … she still gets invited and shows up to group events. My friends seem to love her fake persona! I struggle with the ickiness of being around her, and with the fact that my friends don’t seem to care about how she treated me. Any thoughts on how to deal?
—Too Old for Friend Drama
Dear Too Old for Friend Drama,
To figure out what I think of this ex-friend, I need more details about the disrespect and manipulation. There’s a range of behavior that could inspire your accusations against her. Did she give you a weird look one day and pressure you to cat sit for her when she went out of town? Or did she send you a text full of insults and slurs, after making up a story about a cancer diagnosis and convincing you to start a crowdfunding campaign for her? Maybe the rest of the group needs to hear the concrete facts, too.
If what she did was indeed awful, and the others who understand exactly what happened don’t seem to care, that’s really bad, and you should drop the friend group. I’m sure doing this would upend your social life, so I don’t suggest that lightly. But what is the point of remaining close to this group of people if one of them mistreated you and the others are fine with that? You’d be better off with one genuine, kind friend who treats you well and makes you feel good about yourself when you’re with them.
My gut feeling is that you don’t like the way this friend operates, but she didn’t actually seriously wrong you. If she did something egregious, I imagine you would have just said it. She simply might just rub you the wrong way, and you wish everyone else would feel the same. You aren’t wrong at all for wishing that, or for feeling uneasy. But the uneasiness is an important sign that this situation isn’t working well.
You don’t have to figure out how to survive social situations that force you to stifle your feelings of “ickiness.” Friendships are supposed to feel good! This isn’t an apartment—there’s no penalty for breaking the lease without notice. Without trying to drag anyone else with you, move away from the polluted friend group and gravitate toward people who are good to you and understand you.
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My partner of nearly 30 years and I recently got married. We had a catered ceremony and reception, and people treated it like a normal wedding and gave gifts, mostly of cash and checks. My new wife is keeping her last name. One of the guests made out a check to “Adam and Eve” (not our real names) with no last name on the check. We don’t need the money (which is among the reasons we got married), but I want to honor them and accept their gift. It feels very weird to ask for a new check. My inclination is to just toss it without comment, but then we can’t honor and accept their gift. Any ideas?
—Thank You for the Gift
I have a theory. The guest didn’t want to give you a real check that could easily get misplaced during or after the reception, so they sent you an electronic transfer and included the check to represent the cash that was already in your Venmo account. Maybe? Is there a chance that amid all the wedding chaos, you overlooked a little windfall?
If not, just tell your guest, “Thank you for the generous gift,” and if they one day ask why you haven’t cashed it, explain that your bank (like all banks in the world! Why wouldn’t they know this?!) requires your legal name.
My (25, they/them) boyfriend (26, he/him) and I have been together for a little over four years and are really happy together! I love him and would (otherwise!) not question a future with him. But: kids. I’ve always been on the fence but am becoming more certain it will be important to me to have them…