Help! Our Son Is Getting a Divorce. But We Didn’t Expect We’d Lose This Very Important Person in Our Lives.

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“Sean” is my son’s former stepson. He married Sean’s mom when Sean was 6, and the same year my granddaughter was born. They got divorced when Sean was 12. Sean is 15 now. My husband and I have bent over backwards trying to stay in touch with Sean after the divorce. We called, texted, and sent gifts. We live out of state, so seeing both our grandchildren is hard.

Sean rarely responds to any calls, and his mother will not even tell us if he likes the gifts we send him, let alone make him say thank you. My son just shrugs and says that is the nature of divorce, and we are setting ourselves up for failure.

This breaks our hearts because we did our best to embrace Sean as our grandchild. He is still in our will with our other grandchildren. My husband thinks that we should stop trying so hard and step back. Sean is old enough to be able to decide if he wants a relationship with us or not. It isn’t like his mom monitors his phone, and Sean is always “busy” when we visit. He thinks we need to rewrite our will and take Sean out. I understand going through another divorce is hard, but Sean has even cut off his cousins, and those boys were as thick as thieves. What should we do? Wait? Push? Stepback? The divorce was mutual, as far as we know.

Dear Sean Doesn’t Say,

Having a relationship with a little kid under 11 or 12 is easy because they have yet to figure out that you’re not as cool or interesting as their friends. A relationship with someone over 23 or so is fulfilling in a whole new way because they’re beginning to share your adult perspective on the world and embrace social graces like checking in on others. Having a relationship with someone between those two ages often requires a lot of pushing and getting little in return from a person who is, in an age-appropriate way, kind of self-absorbed and clueless. This is the case even when there’s no divorce complicating things. Teenagers generally just aren’t great at holding up their end of relationships that are not with their peers. It’s not personal.

I say all that because the standard to which you should be holding Sean, even if your son were still married to his mom, would be pretty low. Now add the divorce that turned his life upside down, whatever trauma that may have included, and the confusing messages he may be getting from his family. It’s understandable that he has retreated. I imagine he’s trying to manage his feelings about the whole thing in addition to just being a teen, and you’re out of sight and out of mind.

So if you love him, remember that he didn’t create this situation and has no experience living through it. And give him a pass. A long one! For the next three years, continue to reach out from time to time, warmly and without any guilt trips. Then, when he’s 18, initiate a conversation about how you still consider him your grandchild and would like to have a relationship if it works for him. Make a specific request, like, “Can we come visit you at your college and take you to lunch?” or “Can we FaceTime you this weekend?” If he outright rejects you, you’ll have to accept that. But if he’s just evasive or flaky, keep trying. Then continue for a while longer, until he’s out of college or even until he’s 25. At this point, he’s a real adult, operating outside of his mom’s influence and making his own choices. If he wants nothing to do with you, stand down and let your husband tweak the will. But I’m really hoping Sean will eventually let you back into his life, maybe even begin to share what the split was like for him, and express a lot of gratitude for your patience and unconditional love. Your reply will be, “Of course! You’re our grandson.”

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I need advice on how to address a sensitive topic with my anti-woke parents. Long story short, earlier this year, they moved to a new place, and they seem happy there. This Thanksgiving was the first time I’d visited the new house since it’s a little far from my home, and I carpooled with a sibling, so I wasn’t given the address beforehand.

After I arrived, I overheard my mom relaying the address to another sibling over the phone. Part of the name of their street is a slur for indigenous people! However, I don’t think that they know that it is. I only learned of the word’s existence recently because I happen to be taking an indigenous history course at college. I feel like this is information they should know, given that this is their home and they’ll probably be telling people this address for the next couple of decades at least (and their new area has a lot of Native American folks). However, I’m worried about how they’ll react if I bring it up. I’m not making a moral judgment against them (for this); they didn’t know! It’s whoever named the stupid street’s fault. Do you have advice for how to tactfully broach the subject?

—Up Slur Creek Without a Paddle

Dear Without a Paddle,

It feels unrealistic to me that having the information about the name’s racist origins will change anything for your parents. If they are “anti-woke,” knowing their address includes a slur might make them like it more! And I assume the people  they invite over are aware of their values and agree that anything related to non-white Americans having a problem with being treated or talked about like crap is just part of an epidemic of over-sensitivity (and probably also something about how everyone shouldn’t get participation trophies and there are only two genders). So you can let it go. Your problem with your parents is who they are, not the name of their street.

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Last year, at the urging of his possessive then-girlfriend, a close friend decided to end our friendship. He did this when I was in the middle of a major mental health spiral and believed no one loved me, and, convinced of it, I considered suicide. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

After breaking up with his girlfriend, he reached back out, and I tentatively responded. He sincerely apologized multiple times, and while I doubt we’ll ever be as close as we used to be, I feel ready to put that episode behind us. The problem is my entire family now hates him! My parents have made it clear he’s not welcome in our house. I want things to go back to normal, and I feel that if I, the person harmed, can forgive him, then surely they can too, right? Are they being unreasonable, or am I being naïve?

Dear Forgive and Forget,

Both. Your parents are being unreasonable by holding a grudge on your behalf. But I get where they’re coming from. Even putting aside the mental health spiral and suicidal thoughts, if this guy ended your friendship before, he’ll do it again. You are too vulnerable to set yourself up to feel betrayed in that way again. You only have room for so many friends in your life. Instead of replacing your previous relationship with him with a less close, less trusting one, leave the space open for someone who hasn’t hurt and abandoned you.

A few years ago my wealthy, eccentric friend asked if I’d be willing to be the guardian of her three spoiled Shih-Tzus if anything ever happened to her. I laughed and said sure. Well, my friend must have been psychic, because she recently passed away from an aggressive form of cancer. I was surprised to find myself in the will as the new owner of the dogs, plus a hefty trust for their care, the remainder of which will pay out to me once they’re gone if they’re still in my care. It could potentially be enough to pay off my student loans. The only problem is that I HATE these dogs.