There’s Only One Gift I Need. We Can Afford It, But My Husband Outright Refuses.
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My husband and I are doing very well financially. We both earn six figures and I even out-earn him by a significant amount ($50K). He came from a large poor family who survived on food stamps and donations, while I am an only child who was brought up by well-off parents. We have been married for 13 years and have one child. I suffered from severe postpartum depression after having our child. I tried therapy and medication, but neither were working, so I tried horseback riding. After five years of riding, I finally feel like my pre-baby self again. I have come out of my postpartum depression haze, I’m more confident and healthy than I was before having our child, and I have decided that I would like to take my riding to the next level and buy my own horse. Money isn’t a problem—but my husband is.
I quarter-leased a few horses off and on since I started riding, but I reluctantly stopped leasing when my husband had a fit about costs and time involvement. Our child also rides and absolutely loves it; most weeks we ride together and have a fantastic time bonding. I have mapped out all of the horse-owning financials, pros and cons, but my husband is a firm no. He hates horses, he hates the idea of owning a horse—he would be happy with me and our child riding one day per week and that’s it.
He even said, “What if I spent multiple days per week at a strip club while you were at the barn/riding?” I said that would be an unhealthy habit, and it’s an immature comparison. He also asked if I could find a different, cheaper hobby, like running or knitting?I am a grown-ass adult, I work hard, I fulfill my family responsibilities, I can afford my own horse, and riding makes my child and me happy! His bad attitude about horses and horse ownership is ruining the fun of riding for us. I’m almost at the point where I want to quit riding altogether and hide in a cave.
—Just Want to Feel the Wind in My Mane
Dear Just Want to Feel the Wind,
I really don’t understand your husband’s objection to this. You make plenty of money, and riding is something you and your child enjoy. Your husband should not be able to veto your ability to do it solely on the selfish basis that he does not appreciate it himself. I’m sure there are things your husband does that you believe are boring or pointless or a waste of money, but I doubt you tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot do them. He needs to understand that he is doing that to you.
His strip club analogy is also very silly. He knows that strip club visits are more loaded than a hobby and have far wider-ranging implications than whether they allow him to relax or take the edge off anxiety and depression. A better comparison would be if he were to seriously take up golf or sailing, neither of which is cheap at the middle and high end. How would he feel if he loved golfing at nice, expensive golf courses and you threw the same temper tantrum about it?
It might be a different story if your finances were tight or your hobby was something unhealthy or dangerous, but it doesn’t sound like you’re living off ramen or have taken up sword-swallowing. So his insistence that you and your child abandon something you love and can afford sounds like a control issue. He needs to understand that if he cares about your happiness and mental health, he cannot stand in the way of something that brings you joy simply because he, personally, does not understand it.
From: My Husband’s Resisting A Big Purchase That Would Make Me So Happy. (April 28th, 2022).
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My mother passed away five years ago and left her small estate equally to her four children. Her estate consisted of a house and about $40,000 in cash.My mother had a long-term partner she never married. In her last few years, he moved in with her and helped care for her. For years, my mother supported her retirement by renting out rooms in her five-bedroom home. It was her hope that he could continue living in her house and rent out rooms. This would pay for maintenance, property taxes, and insurance and give her partner a place to live, as he has never really worked and lives on disability payments.Unfortunately, this person is a hoarder and since her death has filled the house with piles and piles of stuff. The front yard is also full of stuff now. The house is so full he is only able to rent out one room, and he uses the rent from that room to support himself. The minimal payments we have asked for my mother’s surviving partner to pay (only $400 a month, just enough to slow the drain on the estate) have been paid less than half the time. The $40,000 that was originally in the estate’s account has dwindled to less than $20,000. The house, which my mother always kept clean and organized, desperately needs repairs and paint. Very soon we will no longer be able to cover the insurance and taxes, and there will be nothing left for repairs.We are very fond of this person, and he has many wonderful qualities. We don’t want him to become homeless. However, it is not sustainable for him to continue living in the house without renting out rooms to cover the expenses. And I do not think that this person is capable of cleaning up to the point where the house can sustain itself with roommates. How can we address this in a way which treats our mother’s long-term partner in a humane way, but also protects our inheritance? He doesn’t have enough income to live on independently but also isn’t doing his part to sustain the arrangement.
I say this with respect and love: Just because your mom wanted to take care of somebody doesn’t mean you have to. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, and your mom had her reasons, but that doesn’t mean you have to take him on, especially if he isn’t holding up his end of the bargain and is trashing the place. So you have two options. You can allow him to live there, with stipulations put in place, or you can evict him, but both of these options require you to meet with a real estate attorney, stat.
If you allow him to stay, you need to have a formal landlord-tenant lease agreement put into place. This is to protect you, your siblings, and him, whether it seems like it or not. He must abide by the rules put in place per this agreement or face eviction. This might be enough of an impetus for him to start cleaning the place, but it’s hard to say if it will work—it sounds like this person has a lot of mental health issues, as well as some physical limitations that may make this difficult. If you want to extend kindness even further, you might offer to help him do some of the initial cleaning—make it a project, while also making it evident that this is a transformation that has to occur, and represents the last stop on the way to eviction.
If you choose to evict him now, I wouldn’t blame you. Real estate laws are different in every state, and instead of taking this on by yourself, please consult an attorney. He has rights, due to having lived there for as long as he has, and the lawyer will need to walk you through the formal process to make sure this is taken care of in the right way. Godspeed, friend.
From: My Mom’s Hoarder Boyfriend Is Ruining Her House. (May 4th, 2022).
More Money Advice From Slate
We are a gay couple updating our wills. Over the years, we’ve had some nieces and nephews on both sides of the family who we have helped out financially; always sent gifts to for Christmas, birthdays, and life events; and (most importantly) enjoyed their company when they came to visit us or vice versa. There are 13 nieces and nephews altogether, all of them in their late teens or 20s. The issue is that seven of them have always acknowledged us, thanked us for our gifts, invited us to events, etc., while with the other six it’s radio silence.