My Daughter’s Friend Had a Bat Mitzvah Themed After an Adult TV Show. This Is Totally Inappropriate, Right?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 12-year-old daughter, “Abigail,” is very friendly with a girl from school, “Molly.” My husband and I have met Molly and her parents several times, and while they’re not exactly our cup of tea, they always seemed relatively harmless, just a bit pompous. Molly has always acted older than her age, not necessarily in a good or bad way, but I’ll admit I’ve never been a fan of that quality. For example, she’s been caking on makeup since the start of middle school, wears belly shirts to class, and talks constantly about Love Island.

Recently, we attended Molly’s Bat Mitzvah, which had a theme: “Molly in the City,” modeled after Sex and the City. They served mocktails to the kids in martini glasses and called them “Molly’s Virgin Cosmopolitans.” The tables were named after the designer brands Carrie wears on the show. The girls were invited to take a “fun” quiz to see whether they were a Miranda, Carrie, Samantha, or Charlotte. My daughter got Samantha—which is admittedly kind of funny—but also, she’s in middle school and has nothing in common with that hyper-sexualized girlboss of a character.

Isn’t a Sex and the City–themed party totally inappropriate for what is essentially a kids’ event? Should I say something to Molly’s parents? Can I do anything to discourage this friendship? I really don’t love the idea of my daughter being close with this girl, especially since they’ll soon be in high school and Molly will likely be interested in trying some real cosmopolitans.

—Kids Should Be Kids

I don’t think it would be worth it to try and confront Molly’s parents, especially considering that you guys don’t have much of a relationship. I also don’t see reason, at this point, to try to end the friendship. Yes, a SATC-themed Bat Mitzvah is crazy pants like corduroy, but it’s not uncommon for kids to have a friend who are being raised with different values than what they are exposed to at home.

You can talk to Abigail about some of the obvious differences between her and Molly (the heavy makeup, the belly tops, and the content she consumes) and explain why you’ve raised her to make other choices. (I will warn you, though, that Love Island is probably more popular with girls her age than you realize—my 12-year-old watches it with her stepmother, but it doesn’t bother me, largely due to the fact that she seems to recognize it as entertainment and is very clear that it’s a show about adults doing things that are not appropriate for someone her age.) Let your daughter know that it’s important to you that she continues to behave her age, even in the presence of peers who have more mature interests, and that there will be time in the future for a full face of makeup and SATC reruns. Do not make Molly, or her parents, out to be somehow “bad;” identify the things you take issue with without vilifying them. Allow the friendship to continue, but also encourage her to spend time with the buddies you feel more comfortable with. If Abigail starts to take an interest in things you don’t want her engaging with, address that as it happens. But I wouldn’t worry too much unless you see your daughter changing to keep up with Molly, in which case you should politely redirect her towards age-appropriate behaviors.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I teach at a music studio, and I’ve had the same, worsening issue with one homeschool family for a few years. “Lydia” has her four kids, ages 8 to 13, enrolled in everything imaginable: piano, guitar, violin, choir, ballet, jazz, tap, art class, theater, sewing, horseback riding, church, knitting club—literally every activity under the sun. The kids are exhausted. They hate lessons, cry constantly, and never practice. They’re always complaining about being too busy and not having any downtime.

A coworker and I are genuinely concerned, not just about their exhaustion, but also about how behind they are academically compared to our other students. Our studio manager doesn’t want us to say anything that might cost business, so: Is there any way to gently tell Lydia, “Your kids shouldn’t quit, but they have to cut activities,” or should I just keep struggling through lessons and tears?

—Not Having a Party In Piano

There’s the right thing to do, and then there’s what your boss wants you to do. I think your heart will guide you towards the former. Pull Lydia to the side and politely tell her that her children seem to be overwhelmed by the volume of activities they are enrolled in. Emphasize that they are great kids and that you love working with them, but explain that they don’t seem happy and they do seem exhausted. Kindly share that you think they’d be happier if they had a little less on their plates and could choose the classes they like the most. Hopefully, she’ll take your words seriously and will give her kids a break. Other than that, you can encourage her kids to talk to her about how they are feeling. Your studio manager won’t be pleased if she finds out about this, but I think it’s unconscionable to watch children suffer without at least trying to help.

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