I Want to Invite My Sister, Her Guys, and Their Kids to Visit for the Holidays. But My Parents Have Issued a Big Threat.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister “Sheryl” is in a polyamorous relationship with three men. She has two kids who are 2 and 4, and they all live together as a family unit. Our parents have never accepted Sheryl’s arrangement with “her guys”, and refuse to refer to them as her family (they use a derogatory term instead). I’ve tried to stay out of the conflict, but now with the holidays coming up, I’m being forced to take sides.

My husband and I have just moved into our first house, and we will be hosting Christmas for our families for the first time and are excited. The trouble is that my parents have made it clear that if I invite my sister and her family, they will not be attending.

Truthfully, I’m sick of the way my parents treated Sheryl and effectively disowned their own grandchildren because of their closed-mindedness. My husband thinks we should tell them that Sheryl and her family are coming and if they don’t like it, they’re free to piss off. It’s tempting, but I know it would cause a war with them. What’s the right call?

Dear Walking a Tightrope,

As you know, your parents have no right to try to keep you from seeing your sister just because they’ve decided to cut her off. If you want to try to avoid a war with them, though, I think there’s probably some ground between uninviting your sister and telling them to piss off.

I would simply tell them that just as they’ve made their own decisions where your sister is concerned, you get to make yours. Let them know that you love Sheryl and aren’t willing to forgo a relationship or holidays with her just because they refuse to see her. You’ve already invited her and her family for Christmas; if your parents choose not to attend because she will be there, that’s their choice, not yours. Assuming you still want to see them another time, you can arrange for that. In the meantime, they should know that you accept and love your sister and will continue to be part of her life.

Your parents might still get upset with you, or accuse you of choosing your sister over them. But just because they say it doesn’t make it true. It would be their choice to react that way, to misunderstand, and to make unreasonable demands of you. You don’t have to feel guilty for loving and trying to include your sister. Your parents’ feelings about her and her family are unfortunate, but they do not have to become your burden.

A larger question, one you might want to reckon with in the future, is how frank you will be with your parents about how you feel regarding their treatment of Sheryl. I understand not wanting to be in the middle. But I also understand wanting to stand up for your sister, her children, and her family. It could mean a great deal to Sheryl. In any case, I think you’re well within your rights if you decide to let your parents know what you think of their behavior, regardless of how they may choose to react.

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